How Are You Feeling?
by idon'tedit
Summary: When Bella is drugged and raped what will it spell for her coming wedding to Edward? How does her heightened state of emotion and emotional understanding alter her in the long run? What could happen that might make Jasper Bella's closest friend?
1. Chapter 1

Jessica invited me to go to a dance club in Port Angeles this evening, and I hadn't seriously considered it. She knew that I was too uncoordinated to dance without hurting myself, and that I was always embarrassing myself if I even tried. I laughed and brushed it off, and walked over to Edward's Volvo to leave with him. Who knew how quickly I would reconsidered Jessica's offer.

"Bella, why do you always refuse to hang out with anyone other than me?" he asked sounding haughty.

"I don't do that Edward," I said brisling slightly. "I just spent time with Angela the other day."

"The two hours you spent with Angela were over a week ago," Edward chided. "When is the last time you hung out with Jessica anyway?"

"Does it matter?" I groaned. "She always asks me to do things she knows I'm not interested in anyways."

"Bella, we only have a week left of school, and then it isn't likely other than the wedding that you will be able to see any of these people again." Edward said with a stern look on his face. "I think its time you tried to let go over your obsession with spending all your time with me and have one last good time with your friends."

"Obsession.." I repeated feeling the anger boil up inside of me. "You act like my wanting to be with my fiancé is some negative addiction. Am I annoying you Edward?"

"I am just making a point that you actively choose to only spend time with me rather than with any of your peers," Edward said coolly. "You are the one implying a negative context to the situation."

"Bullshit Edward!" I yelled at him, not caring at the shock that crossed his face briefly when I cussed. "If you are so sick of me being around then have the balls to say it."

"Watch your language Isabella," Edward scoffed.

"Fuck you Edward," I growled at him before I turned on my heel and stomped back the way I had come.

I was happy to see the Jessica was just starting her car, and had not left the parking lot yet. I picked up my pace just a bit and tapped on her window before she could drive away. She looked a bit surprised but she rolled the window down none the less.

"Yes Bella," she said, her previous annoyance and my refusal seemingly forgotten.

"I changed my mind, I would like very much to go dancing with you ad Lauren. Would you still like for me to come?" I said pushing a smile I hoped didn't look fake onto my face.

"Of course," Jessica beamed. "Hop in, we will go to my house and get ready!"

"Shouldn't we stop by mine to get some clothes first," I asked, ever the practical one.

"Bella," Jessica chided. "You don't own the right kind of clothes for clubbing.

I couldn't disagree with her their. None of my clothes would fit in many places other than Forks. I dressed for comfort, not to look stylish or attractive. I mentally growled over the fact that it would do no good with a fiancé like mine. Nothing I did could entice him to ravage my body. Perhaps Edward truly wasn't attracted to me. I forced myself to focus on only the music after that thought, not wanting to have to explain my angry tears to Jessica.

"Lauren is going to come too, and I think we are meeting some guys that she knows at the club." Jessica trilled on in the background. "This is going to be so much fun, I'm so glad you decided to come."

"Me too," I said, hoping I sounded enthusiastic enough.

Within a few minutes we were pulling into Jessica's driveway, and I couldn't help but laugh at her silly mailbox. It was a huge house, and it looked like you took the roof off to get the mail, it didn't seem very practical at all. Jessica gave me a knowing smile when she realized what I was laughing at and parked the car in front of the garage.

While we were stepping out of the car a basketball smacked onto the hood of Jessica's white prius, and she immediately started yelling.

"Joshua David, what have I told you about shooting hoops when my car is in the driveway?!"

"You JUST got there! I had already shot," I heard a young boys voice whine.

I turned and saw a boy who looked to be about nine retrieving the ball that had rolled into the grass. He looked just like Jessica, short with a head full of curly hair. How had I ever known that she had a little brother. Maybe Edward was right, and I really didn't pay enough attention to Jessica.

"Bull Josh," Jessica scolded. "Don't do it again, or I will tell mom what happened to her favorite vase."

"Fine Jess! I'm sorry, please don't tell," the little boy rushed, his eyes getting huge.

"Okay," Jessica said, her face softening. "Go inside and have a snack or something."

I followed Jessica into the house, and she told me about how her brother had broken the windshield on her car once with his antics and they had been having this argument ever since. She led me right up to her room, and I was surprised by what I saw. I had always figured Jessica for a pink lover, but there wasn't a stitch of pink in her room. She had three white walls with one lime green accent wall. She had a huge desk and book shelf contraption resting against the green wall that was painted white like the walls. Her computer was on, and playing music that she must have left on all day, and her desk was scattered with cds and random papers.

She had a full sized bed that was covered in a striped Tommy Hilfiger bed spread that I had seen the other day while Alice drug me through the mall. Her carpet was a bluish grey, and there were two addition white doors leading out of her room on the adjacent walls to the green ones. He room wasn't even very girly except for the white vanity next to her dresser that was covered in perfumes and a few pieces of makeup.

"Alright lets find something to wear," Jessica chirped bouncing a little as she led me to the door that was near the vanity.

She opened the door to reveal a walking closet that would impress anyone who wasn't Alice. She had clothes and shoes everywhere, and I could easily see myself getting lost in there. I stuck close to Jessica and she led me to the back where and an entire bar was hung with clothes that were either metallic fabric, had lots of sequins or glitter, or looked like something you would see some young actress wearing to and event in Hollywood. Apparently Jessica went out a lot.

"Alright, lets see here," Jessica said as she began pulling different dresses out and holding them in front of me.

I didn't look to closely at what she held after I saw how small the first dress she held up was. I was trying to psyche myself up for being okay with whatever she choose. I was going to prove to Edward that I could go out and have fun with Jessica and that I wasn't some love sick puppy without a life.

"This is the one," Jessica trilled, pulling my attention back to her.

I looked at what she had in her hands and hand to suppress a groan. It was cut so low I wasn't sure my chest would even stay in it, and the hem line was so high I was concerned about being able to sit down without showing my privates to those around me. The back was cut out in a way that I wasn't sure how I could wear a bra with the dress. It was made out of a silver metallic material and I was sure I would look like a rag doll wrapped in shimmering duct tape when I put it on.

"Um Jessica, what kind of bra would I even wear with that?" I asked, trying to keep all of my other judgments out of my voice.

"You won't wear a bra Bella," Jessica laughed. "Believe me the dress will be tight enough that you won't have to worry about it."

I shook my head at the girl before me and took the dress from her. She pointed me to the other door across the room and told me to get dressed in the bathroom while she picked out shoes and accessories. I went through the other door and saw that she had a small room with a sink and mirror that lead into a larger room with a tub and toilet. I hadn't realized that Jessica's family was well off, but I suppose in hindsight it makes sense with the nice clothes she always wears.

I quickly shed all of my clothing except for my underwear and slid into the dress. I had to work a little to get the shoulder straps on; Jessica wasn't kidding when she said it would be tight. I looked in the mirror and saw that it surprisingly looked good on me, and didn't at all showcase how tight it felt. The fabric was roused across my torso and thighs giving the appearance that I was thinner than I am, which made me chuckle just a bit. How the dress was holding me made my chest look much fuller and I found myself wondering if even this outfit would make Edward want me.

I stepped back out of the bathroom just as Jessica was coming out of the closet. She was holding a few different pairs of shoes and had lots of necklaces hanging around her neck. At first she didn't realize I was in the room, but when she looked up she dropped a pair of shoes on the floor.

"Holy crap Bella," Jessica gushed. "That dress looks way better on you. I am so jealous."

"Jessica," I groaned as the blush heated my face.

"So I was trying to pick shoes for you, and I found these great stilletos, but then I remembered how klutzy you are, so I brought you some other options." Jessica bubbled as she lay the shoes on her bed.

All of the shoes had heels, some looking more lethal than others. I sorted through the pile and found the ones with the lowest heal. It was still a good two and a half inches, but I hoped that luck would be with me. Alice would still be proud, they were very cute shoes. They were made out of a clear jelly material that had silver glitter imbedded in it, and a pointed toe. I held them up to Jessica.

"Perfect!" Jessica gushed. "I sort of hoped you would pick those ones, but I wanted to see which ones you liked. Now to pick a necklace."

I was about to groan about having to play fashionista when Jessica started holding different necklaces up in front of my and then tossing them on to the bed without saying anything. It only took a me a moment to realize she was trying to decide which one she liked best. She settled for a series of a rhinestone that was surrounded by braided wire loops to make it look like a flower.

"There we go. Run into the bathroom, and turn the curling iron on and brush your hair while I change." Jessica directed.

It sounded like she was going to do the hair and makeup portion of my outfit, and I was glad for it. The last time I tried to use a curling iron I burned myself pretty bad, and lets just say liquid eyeliner is not my friend. I plugged in her curling iron, and pulled my hair out of its pony tail and began dragging the brush through it. My pony tail had been wiped around by the wind a lot today so it was full of tangles.

Jessica came into the bathroom, and I had to do a double take. She was wearing what looked to be four inch black stilettos as well as a high waisted bright pink pencil skit and a white blouse. I hadn't even seen a skirt that cut all the way to the bust line worn by anyone in our generation, but it looked good on Jessica. She had a simply gold chain necklace that was wrapped around her neck three times paired with gold bangles and hoop earrings. It was simply yet elegant.

"Jessica you look amazing," I gushed while staring at her through the mirror.

"Not so bad yourself Bella," Jessica giggled.

She slid behind me and began curling my hair. I tried to watch in the mirror but she was moving through my hair so quickly I was sure I could never replicate her movements. Within about 15 minutes she had finished and my hair was hanging around my face in sultry curls. She turned me so I was facing her and began putting makeup on my face. She put quite a bit of black eye shadow and liner on my eyes, to give me a Smokey look, and then used a red lip stain and a clear lip plumper to complete the look. When I looked back in the mirror I hardly recognized myself.

"Wow Jess," was all I could get out.

"I know, I'm a genius," Jessica chuckled as she set to work on her own hair and makeup. "There is a pink clutch for you on the bed put your phone and money and stuff in it, and I will be out in a minute."

I went back into her bedroom, and grabbed my wallet out of my backpack and slid it into the clutch, it just fit. I grabbed my jeans and dug my cell phone out of the pocket and put it in as well before I sat down in Jessica's desk chair. I swiveled around in the chair for a little while when waiting before the pictures on her des caught my attention. There was a picture of her and her little brother laying in the leaves at the park that looked like a profession photograph. Next to it was a picture of them again, but with a small girl will blonde curls that looked to be three or four years old. It was another professional one, and I had the feeling that this was some sort of family portrait. The next frame held what looked to be a program of some sort, and there was a picture of the young blonde girl on it. At the bottom it said Ambernikki Stanely 2001-2004. My heart broke for Jessica when I realized that the girl was her little sister and that she had died.

I was wondering again how I didn't know this when my memory was jogged. I could remember the last summer I had come to visit Charlie here in Forks had been the summer of 2004. Charlie was still trying to find out who had run over a little girl and then drove off. He wouldn't tell me everything, but what I knew was that at the end of the school year their had been parent teacher conferences, and Ambernikki had wandered off while her parents were talking to a teacher. She had tried to cross the street to play on the swing set at the park and had been hit while crossing the road. The parents had search frantically around the school trying to find her, only to later find her in the road when it was too late.

"Lauren is waiting for us in the driveway," Jessica said softly breaking me out of my reverie.

"Ok." I said quietly not sure if I should say anything.

Jessica grabbed the silver purse off the bed and we walked quickly down the stairs. I was proud to say I hadn't wobbled once. We passed the den on the way out and Jessica's mother called out that her curfew was 1:00, and Jessica obliged without any argument before we continued on. I was glad her mother hadn't come out to talk to us because I knew I would blush twelve shades of read having a parent see me in this getup. Jessica ruffled her little brother's hairs on the way out the door and then skipped over to Lauren's waiting Saab. I slid into the back as Jessica climbed into the passenger seat.

"So Swan decided to come after all," Lauren exclaimed as Jessica closed the door.

"Yeah," Jessica said happily. "She turned out to be free after all."

"Is your husband out of town?" Lauren said in a bit of an unfriendly voice.

"Edward is at home tonight," I said in a stern voice.

"Well when Eddie's away the big girl will play," Lauren giggled. "Jessica there are sodas in my bag for everyone."

I thought I heard her add quietly that the one with a B on it was for me, but when Jessica handed me a B free bottle I decided I must be hearing things. I sat the soda on the seat next to me because I wasn't thirsty just yet and turned back when I realized Lauren was talking to me.

"Swan you should drink all of that before we get to the club tonight, you'll need to sugar to keep your energy up." she said with a huge grin on her face. "Maybe if we get you hoped up on sugar you will loosen up a bit."

"I'm not uptight," I said with a small frown on my face.

"Said the police chiefs daughter," Lauren laughed.

"Enough Lo," Jessica chided.

"Alright," Lauren conceded. "How about some Jams?"

On that note she turned up the radio and a rap song with a bumping beat filled the car. I was considering asking her to turn it down a bit because it was hurting my ears, but I remember my little stunt with the radio in Jessica's car during the time that Edward had been gone and realized that they were under the impression that I was a big rap fan. I tried to bop my head along to the beat, and when I saw Lauren giving me a pointed look in the mirror I cracked open the soda.

It didn't take very long to get to the club at all, it felt like we hadn't been in the car for more than 15 minutes when we came to a stop. I finished of the rest of my soda and wondered vaguely why I hadn't noticed how fast we were driving. I got out of the car and joined Jessica and Lauren in the line that was forming at the door. I noticed that now guys had joined us and was just getting curious about Laurens friends when Jessica spoke up.

"Where are the guys Lo?"

"They couldn't make it. Jeremy went and got grounded, and he is the only one with a car. I figure we can just meet some new ones tonight." Lauren explained.

"Okay, sounds good," Jessica said dismissively.

I found I had little interest in their conversation, and that the sounds of people talking around me was very nearly hypnotic. It was like they were all blending into some weird song, and I quite enjoyed listening to it. Before I knew it we were at the door, and I was paying a bouncer to let me in while another bouncer drew an X on my hand that meant I was underage.

The club was kind of awesome. There were couches along the walls and tables here and there with cushy looking chairs all around them. The floor had been painted with some sort of black light paint so all of it was glowing, and its brightness made the seating look dark and mysterious. From somewhere above there were lights flashing around creating designs on the dance floor, and illuminating the people that were already dancing. Everyone was in a group with all their bodies pressed together, and to me they looked like one living thing that had all sorts of moving parts.

For a fleeting moment I questioned how I was viewing the room, but it flitted so quickly from my brain it was as if I had never heard it. I liked everything about the club, and to my utter surprise I was the one dragging Jessica and Lauren out onto the dance floor when we had finished checking our jackets and purses with the coat check girl. Jessica and Lauren squished me in a sandwich between them while we danced, and again to my surprise I liked it. It was reassuring to think that their bodies would keep me from falling, and empowering to realize that the men in the room were very interested in what we were doing.

I let the two girls grind into me and didn't even mind when Lauren grabbed onto my hip while dancing with me. I mentally noted that the room seemed to be shifting around me, and rather that feeling worried I found it hysterically funny. I started laughing, and that sent Jessica and Lauren in t fits of giggles as well. After dancing with the girls for a few songs I realized I was terribly thirsty, and I told them I was going to go get a bottle of water or something.

I was headed back to coat check to get my purse when I ran into a guy. He caught me when I stumbled, and I looked up to see him. He was about 6'3" with shaggy brown hair and deep blue eyes. He had a strong jaw line and a little bit of scruff on his chin. He certainly wasn't bad to look at, though he was no Edward. I could feel myself blushing when I realized that he was still holding on to my waist.

"Sorry about that," he said in a deep voice. "Might I buy a beautiful girl a drink?"

"I'm not old enough to drink," I said as I stepped back a bit from him.

"I meant a soda, I'm only 19," the guy responded. "I'm Matt by the way."

"Bella," I said extending my hand. "Nice to meet you."

He shook my hand and gave me a smile. He kept his hand on the small of my back, and lead me to a sofa off to the side. It was in a corner and was cut off slightly from the dance floor. He told me he would be right back and went to get me a soda. I found myself glad for the privacy and slid my shoes off to massage my feet for a minute. When I saw him coming back I slid them back on.

"For the lady," Matt said as he handed me a soda.

"Thank you," I said as I took the drink and began to drink greedily. I was very thirsty.

I finished the drink quickly while he watched. He had a smile on my face and I realized I must have looked ridiculous, so I apologized. He said it wasn't a big deal, people get thirsty dancing, and then invited me to join him on the dance floor. It sounded like fun, so I joined him.

He grabbed my hips and pulled me so I was forced to straddle his leg while I danced and kept his hand on the small of my back. I was uncomfortable with how he was dancing with me, but my tongue felt thick and I couldn't force myself to say anything. I danced through the entire song with him before I started to feel dizzy. I reached both of my hands up to hold onto his shoulders, afraid I was going to fall on my face. He took it as a sign of affection and pulled me in so tight that my entire body was flush with his. I could feel him against my leg and it scared me, but I found I was starting to see less and less of the room.

"I don't feel so well," I nearly yelled in his ear before letting my head fall against his shoulder. "I need to sit down."

He nodded his agreement and lead me back to the couch. I went to sit down and wobbled on my feet. He grabbed my hips and lead me backwards to the couch before pushing me all the way down so that I was laying down. In the back of my mind I realized that something was wrong, and that I should leave, but my body wasn't listening when I told it to move. I watched as he closed a curtain that I hadn't even seen before completely hiding us from the rest of the room. That's when I started yelling.

He quickly covered my mouth, and pressed his body into mine as if to hold me down. Not that he needed to worry since my body wouldn't listen to me when I told it to move. He kept his hand over my mouth while the other slid slowly up my thigh. He started kissing along my neck, and that's when the tears started to fall. In horror I realized what his intentions were, and that I wasn't even able to fight back. The room was getting more and more hazy, and I was trying to fight through the confusion. I was loosing track of where I was or who I was with. When his hands moved I would become just barely aware again, and notice that I felt fear but that I wasn't sure why. I felt my underwear being torn off and I tried to get my body to move, but it still wouldn't listen to me. Just when I felt something being forced inside of me the world around me went black. My last thought before I lost all consciousness was that I was loosing my virginity in the back of a club to some guy who I was fairly sure had drugged me.


	2. Chapter 2

EPOV

I watched Bella traipse over to Jessica, and I was torn between wanting to kick myself for being an idiot, and to scream at Bella for actually deciding to go with Jessica. I threw myself into the driver's seat of the Volvo and tore out of the lot so I wouldn't have to deal with it. I was already turning into the driveway when my cell phone began ringing. I pulled it out of my pocket, and sighed when it was Alice instead of Bella.

"Yeah," I growled into the phone.

"Thanks for waiting jerk," Alice said. She was trying to sound mad but I heard the pity in her voice. "Sorry you fought with Bella."

"Drop it Alice." I said not wanting to speak with her.

"I know you are upset by the language she used with you, but you could have phrased your concerns differently Edward.."

Alice probably said more, but I hung up with her so I wouldn't have to hear it. I already knew that I hadn't handled the conversation with Bella properly. If I had we wouldn't have had a fight. She would have realized that I only wanted her to enjoy her human time while it was still here if I had phrased it better. Not that I thought it was necessary for her to speak to me the way she did either…

I pulled into the garage and parked my car. I slammed the door a bit to hard when I got out of the car, and I heard the protest of the metal, just as I heard Alice entering the house through the front door. She had run fast to beat me inside. I could hear that she planned to ambush me outside my room and force a conversation, so I made a beeline for my piano.

I sat down on the bench, and tried to control my seething so I could play something without breaking the instrument. After a few cleansing breaths I felt safe to play, and I began coaxing out the notes of Claire De Lune. I had to play it five times, but when I stopped playing, I felt considerably calmer. I was just considering going to find Alice and talk to her when her vision filled my mind.

Lauren Mallory was putting a clear liquid into a coke bottle, and then sticking a post it note with a B on it to the bottle. I was confused until I saw her double check a website she was reading about GHB. She was counting on her fingers and I realized she was doing the calculations of how long it would take for the drug to have an effect. I read over her shoulder that she had looked up how to use the drug recreationally rather than as a date rape drug. I was torn between being disgusted that such a website existed and that Lauren would want anyone to take drugs.

Alice's vision cut out for a second, and when I could see it again it was obvious that time had lapsed. Lauren was dressed in club wear, and was driving down the road with Jessica and Bella in tow. She told Jessica that there were sodas for all of them in her bag, and that the one with a B was for Bella. I could not contain my growl when I realized she was going to drug my Bella.

Bella took the drink and drank it greedily, not seeming to know what she was doing to herself. I watched as Lauren looked at her in the mirror evilly, and went on about not being uptight during the time at the club. I tried to convince myself that Lauren only wanted Bella to have fun, and that she didn't want her to get hurt but I just couldn't trust her. And drugs were certainly not the answer. I could see Bella becoming silly as the drug took effect, but she was staying with Lauren and Jessica and seemed to be safe.

Alice's vision cut out, and within a second she was sliding to a stop in front of me. Her face looked concerned but I wasn't sure if it was because of Bella being drugged or the anger that was radiating off of me.

"What the hell was she thinking?" I growled.

"I don't think she means to hurt her Edward," Alice said quietly. "Maybe we should just have Carlisle check Bella out when she gets home. Make sure nothing was damaged by the drug?"

"Of course." I sighed. "I'm of half the mind to drive to Port Angeles and pick her up right now."

"I don't think that would go over well after the fight you had today." Alice said kindly.

"You're probably right," I sighed turning back to the piano.

I was even less calm than before, but I decided to play anyway. I went quickly into Bella's lullaby hoping I could comfort myself while I worried about her well being. I had just finished playing it once, and was starting to play it a second time when I was pulled yet again into a vision from Alice.

Bella was walking with a guy who looked to be about her age to a couch. I felt jealousy arising in me, but I became confused when she sat down and the man left her. Alice's vision followed the man where he went to the bar and purchased a soda. He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a pill dropping it into the soda. _Oh for the love of all that is holy, was the a ruphie?_ He walked back to the couch that he had left Bella at and gave her the soda. I watched as she again drank the soda she was offered, having no idea what was being given to her. I could tell this man did not have the same intentions as Lauren, he intended to take advantage of Bella.

He took her out onto the dance floor. They danced, but I watched as Bella became more an more disoriented. I could see the fear rising up in her eyes, but her body was not responding in the same way, she seemed to be falling asleep. She told the man that was holding her she didn't feel well, and he took her back to the couch from before. I mentally scolded Jessica for dressing Bella in an outfit that restricted her from keeping her cell phone on her.

The man closed a curtain around the couch and then climbed on top of Bella. My vision went red as he forced the dress up her legs with one hand while he kissed down her neck, and held her hands at bay with his other hand. When he pulled her underwear off I couldn't watch anymore. I pulled myself out of Alice's head and tried to force her to look at me.

"Alice when will it happen?" I shouted at her as I was getting up and heading towards the door.

"Ten minutes Edward," Alice gasped. "I don't think you can run fast enough."

I didn't stop to argue it with her. I tore out of the house, and threw myself into the forest. I hardly even registered my surroundings as they flew by around me. I had the goal of the club to get to, and nothing else mattered. I pushed myself harder than I ever had before. Harder than when James had Bella. Feeling more desperate than when we stood in the dark Volturi tunnels. I had always needed to save Bella's life, but this time I feared I couldn't save her from something that would leave her dead even while she was living. I had seen how such an act had twisted Rosalie and I could not allow it to happen to the love of my life.

I had no idea how long it had been. But I was finally tearing through the streets of Port Angeles stick as much to the alleys as I could so I would not be detected by human eyes. Not soon enough I found the club that I had seen Bella and her friends go into and I flew past the bouncer so quickly he only registered a strange breeze passing him. I went to the back of the club where I had seen that Bella and the man would be. I threw back the curtain and had to fight back the urge to kill that rose within me. The man was thrusting into my beautiful fiancé while she lay unconscious below him.

I grabbed him with as much force as I could without crushing his neck and threw him against the wall. I punched him with as much control as I could to avoid actually crushing his face and then turned to Bella. I could hear the man whimpering and cussing while he pulled his pants back up but I could not spare him my attention. I pulled Bella's dress back down so she was covered, and then I picked her up in my arms trying to suppress the agony that ripped through my chest when her head lulled non responsively over the crook of my elbow.

I strode to the front of the club with Bella in my arms drawing the attention of many. I saw Jessica and Lauren heading my way when they saw me holding Bella. Lauren looked like she was about to be sick, and I could hear in her mind that she thought she had killed Bella. I decided to spare the girl's life over the situation she had put the love of my life in when I heard the horrible guilt wracking her mind. Perhaps she was not as bad a person I was making her out to be.

I shook my head at the two girls and continued walking. I could hear in Jessica's mind that she was intended to call me later to find out what had happened, but also fearing such a bold action with a Cullen. I kept walking, but I was stopped at the exit by a bouncer.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asked staring at the passed out girl in my arms.

"This is my fiancé," I grumbled shifting so he could see the ring on Bella's finger. "There is a man somewhere in the back who may be injured. He was raping her and I threw him into a wall and hit him. I am taking my soon to be wife to the hospital, but you are free to deal with that scum bag."

The man was shocked by my words and just stared as I stepped around him and out the door. I wasn't going to wait for him to call the cops because it would have to be Bella's decision if this went to court or not. Too many choices had already been stolen from her. I was relieved to see Alice waiting with the Volvo on the curb when I stepped out into the night air. I had been concerned about running with Bella when she was unable to hold on to me.

Alice opened the backseat door and I slid it, keeping Bella cradled against my chest. I didn't say a word as Alice tore off into the night, or when she blew right past the hospital and got onto the highway. I would prefer Bella be seen by Carlisle anyway, and why not in the comfort of our house so Bella would not be so embarrassed.

The road flew past us quickly, and before I knew it we were pulling in at the house. Carlisle was waiting for us on the porch, and stepped aside to let me pass when I ran from the car with Bella. I went straight up the stairs and lay her gently on the bed that I had bought for her alone. I heard Carlisle come in behind me.

"Her vitals sound okay right now Edward." Carlisle said in his voice that I knew was meant to soothe even though it didn't. "At this point I think we just need to wait for her to wake up before we do anything."

"Okay," I whispered before sliding into the bed with Bella.

I made a point not to have my body touching her, just incase, but I lay facing her so I could watch her face. I lay like that for several hours with her. At first her face was completely slack, and it reminded me of when she had been kept sedated at the hospital in Phoenix. I knew when she was sleeping rather than being held down by the drugs because her breathing became a little stronger and her eyes began to move in REM cycle. After another 30 minutes her breathing altered again and I knew she would wake soon. I focused on her intently, and I could see that her eyes were about to open.

"Oh God, Edward," I heard Alice calling in fear as her voice moved closer to me room. "Get away from her!"


	3. Chapter 3

Just a heads up to all my readers. My classes just started up, and I am struggling to balance them with my full time job. I don't want to go forever and a day without updating, so I am going to do a trial run of putting up super short updates. They will just have pieces of chapters, but I can write them quickly and get them up faster. If my reviewers all want to kill me I will try to come up with something else, but this is the best solution I can think of right now.


	4. Chapter 4

I began to wake up a good five minutes before I actually opened my eyes. Waking up itself was a thoroughly disturbing experience, for the first time in my life. First I wasn't sure when I had gone to sleep, so I couldn't back track to where I would be very well. Then as I delved into my memories trying to find the moment I laid down to go to sleep, I realized the last thing I could actually remember doing was fighting with Edward, and then storming over to join Jessica in a trip to a dance club.

Then I started to panic a bit, so I listened, afraid to open my eyes, to see if I could hear the sounds of a hospital room around me. I thought for certain if that was the last thing I remembered we must have been in some sort of accident. I could not hear any sounds, so I thought I might be in some sort of coma, and tried to take a physical inventory of my body.

That's when the fear really set in; because I realized that I could feel pain, and it was only in once spot. It felt as if the apex between my thighs had been shredded, and just from the things you read in health class and absorb from movies and television shows, I could make a pretty good guess at what had happened to me.

That was when my eyes snapped open. All of a sudden I was inundated with my sense. I could hear that my breathing was almost completely out of control. I could feel the tears soaking my face, and my lungs straining to keep up with the breathing pace I had set for myself. And I could see that I was in Edward's room, in his bed, with him lying next to me with a terribly guilt look on his face. My heart sunk to a depth of my stomach that I would not have thought possible when it occurred to me, that I had been raped, and Edward was the only man around me. A piece of my brain held fast to the idea that Edward would never do such a thing, but the logical and clinically detached part of my brain told me to examine the evidence. Who else would there be to accuse of the crime?

That's when I threw up. I didn't make it to the bathroom. I didn't even make it off the bed. I turned my head to the side and completely defiled Edward's golden carpet. He reached over to try and pull my hair out of the way, and I screamed and rolled off the bed, and backed myself up against the wall. That was when I noticed what I was wearing. It was a skin tight silver dress, if you could call the piece of fabric an actually clothing item, considering how microscopic it was. I didn't even have any under garments on.

That was when I found my anger. For two reasons the first being, that I was dressed to give easy access to Edward while he did unspeakable things to me. And the second being that by popular standards this dress would be considered fashionable and there was only one person that I could think of that would dress me in it. And Alice would have dressed me in it knowing what would come from it, because she had made a decision and so had Edward. So not only did she know that I would be raped, she had helped her brother do it.

Because of my anger I did something I never would have thought possible for myself. I stood up, crossed the room, and slapped Edward with all my might. I regretted it immediately as the pain radiated through my hand, and only took a second to mentally congratulate myself on using my left hand which was already broken from punching Jacob earlier this year.

"You sick son of a bitch!" I screamed at Edward.

"What?" Edward stuttered looking entirely unsure of himself.

"Bella, you have it all wrong," Alice called from behind me. I turned to see her framed by the door way, and started in her direction hell bent on slapping her as well no matter the pain. "Don't hit me, your hand is already re-broken let's not make it any worse."

"Oh now you care about my well being," I scoffed. "Like it matters after you helped him do this to me."

"What are you talking about Bella?" Edward said in a soft voice from behind me.

"Oh you know damn well what I am talking about Edward," I yelled as I turned on him. "What did you do knock me out, thinking I wouldn't figure out what you did to my body while I was unconscious?"

"Bella you have it all wrong." He interjected. "Don't you remember anything of what happened tonight?"

"The last thing I remember is storming off to join Jessica for a girl's night out," I replied, losing some of my fire. "I don't understand why you were so intent on me spending time away from you if this was what you were planning all along. Unless of course the idea was to have me only remember being with Jessica anyway…"

"Bella, that's not what happened." Alice said in a broken voice from the doorway. "You did go with Jessica and Lauren tonight. Shortly after you left I had a vision of Lauren drugging you. She gave you GHB hoping you wouldn't be uptight, and in the vision you seemed to make it through the night unscathed so I didn't do anything. But later in the evening I saw another vision where a guy bought you a drink, and he put a ruffie in it. It might not have had such a strong effect on you if the GHB were not already in your system, but it was too late to prevent the rape I saw happening once I saw the vision. Edward ran as fast as he could, but he just didn't make it in time. Don't you remember any of that?"


	5. Chapter 5

I opened my mouth to yell at Alice about helping Edward do something so terrible, but I was cut off by the sound of my cell phone ringing. Alice then reached into a bright pink clutch she was holding and tossed my cell phone to me. That was odd, but I tried to shake it off. I looked at the caller ID and saw that Jessica was calling. I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone, but I could always ask her about the night since both Alice and Edward were trying to say I spent it with her.

"Hello," I said as calmly as I could manage.

"Bella!" Jessica rushed, sounding relieved. "Oh my gosh, are you okay?"

"Uh, I don't know," I answered as honestly as I could without giving away what had happened. "Why do you ask?"

"Well Edward carried you off to take you to the hospital, and I hadn't heard anything back," Jessica said sounding confused. "But you're awake now so that has to be good right?"

"Do you know why Edward was taking me to the hospital?" I asked, trying to put the emphasis on the you so she wouldn't realize I was asking her what happened since I couldn't be sure anymore.

"Well, that guy attacked you. Edward pulled him off of you, but he was kinda to late," Jessica said in a strangled voice. "I'm so sorry Bella. I never should have let Lauren give you the GHB. I'm such an idiot."

When she said that I was nearly drowned by a flood of emotion. Insufferably guilt at having accused Edward and Alice of being such criminals, and also at not believing them when they pled their innocence. I felt anger at Lauren for doing such a stupid thing, and Jessica for letting her. But just then I had a hazy flash of a guy, I wanted to call him Mitch or Matt, giving me a drink. I couldn't say for certain since the memory was so foggy, but I had a gut feeling that Alice wasn't lying about him giving me the ruffies. After that I forgave Lauren and Jessica, and some how felt guilty for having been angry in the first place. Then I became aware that I was waiting to long to reply to Jessica.

"No, neither of you meant harm," I said in the most even voice I could. "Besides, I was fine until that one guy bought me a soda. I think maybe he gave me something more potent or something."

"Do you really think so?" Jessica said in confusion. "That sounds like such rotten luck. Do you think the GHB made it more likely?"

"If I were to be completely honest I would say that I probably wouldn't accept anything to drink from a stranger if I were completely myself," I said slowly. "But having said that I do not hold either of you responsible. How could you have known that some creep would be there? I do wish Lauren didn't think I was so uptight though…"

"You sound so put together," Jessica said, still sounding so confused. "I would be totally crazy right now. And I would definitely hate me and Lauren. Are you sure you are okay?"

"Yeah, I'm okay," I said, but I noticed that my voice sounded hollow and tried to adjust it. "I promise Jess. And I don't hate you guys. Don't feel guilty please."

"uhm, ok…" Jessica said. "So are you pressing charges?"

"I don't know yet. I kind of just woke up," I hedged. "I still have a lot to think about."

"Oh ok. Should I let you go?" Jessica rushed sounding awkward.

"Yeah I should probably go. I'll see you around." I said then hung up without waiting for a response.

I turned to look at Edward and I couldn't help but to start crying. I felt like the worst person in the world for accusing him like that. How could I have hated him and Alice so much? It was just plain wrong. I let my legs give out intending to slump to the ground but Edward caught me before I could hit the floor. I wished it didn't happen, but I cringed away from his touch. His response was immediate he set me gently on the floor and back to the other side of the room and sat down on the floor as well.

"I'm…… sorry," I gasped through my tears. "I'm…. so…… stupid."

"You aren't stupid love," Edward tried to soothe me. "Of course you would feel confused when you woke up, you were drugged for Pete's sake."

"How could….. I blame y-y-y-you?" I sobbed slumping all the way to the ground so I could bury my face in the carpet.

"Bella it makes sense when you try to string together the pieces you were able to remember." Alice said softly from the doorway. "Not to mention you didn't see the visions I saw. I don't know if its better or worse that only Edward and I know what this guy looks like."

"Alice," Edward growled from his side of the room.

"Edward we can't avoid talking about it, that will only make things worse in the long run." Alice chided.

"I do remember his face…" I mumbled into the carpet, knowing they would hear me anyway. "I recalled a hazy memory of him bringing me a soda while I was on the phone with Jessica. Edward I am so sorry I blamed you for this. Alice I am so sorry that I even thought you would help him do it, even though he wouldn't do it, and you would never help anyone do something like that. I'm sorry, I'm kind of rambling."

"Its okay Bella, we love you, and we forgive you even though there is nothing to forgive," Edward said quietly. "Will you let Carlisle examine you so we can put this guy away?"

I hesitated, not wanting to answer. I knew this is what everyone would want me to do, but I wasn't sure I could. I couldn't even handle Edward catching me as I fell, could I really deal with Carlisle touching me everywhere? And if I reported this, Charlie would know. I would have to tell me story. He would be angry over my stupid choices that put me in this position. How could I have made those choices? And what if he decided to pursue charges against Lauren? She could loose her college scholarship, not to mention hating me for life.

"Bella, we will stay with you the whole time if that would help," Alice prodded, not missing my hesitation. "And before you say it, Charlie is not going to be angry with you."

"How did you know I was thinking that?" I asked in shock.

"I just saw you yelling it at me, if I tried to push to hard for you to get the exam," Alice said matter of factly.

"Will it hurt?" I asked in a small voice, hoping she would know what I meant so I wouldn't have to explain myself.

"I won't lie, parts of it can be painful, but we will never leave you." Alice said softly.

"What about Lauren?" I asked in a dead voice. "I don't want to ruin her future. Will you stand by me if I exclude her actions from my story?"

"Bella," Edward moaned, clearly upset with my choice.

"Edward shut up," Alice snapped. "It's her choice if she wants to do that to Lauren."

"It shouldn't matter what might happen to Lauren, she didn't care about what could happen to Bella." Edward growled.

"Two wrongs don't make a right," I quietly chided Edward. "I don't want to ruin her future when it isn't necessary. It would be different if she had given me the drug that had knocked me out and caused this to happen. But she wasn't."

"You can't really argue with her Edward," Alice said softly. "Besides, I think it should be her choice. She has had to big of a decision made for her already."

"You're right," Edward said in a grave voice. "Bella I will stand by you, no matter what you decide to do. I promise."

"Thank you Edward," I said softly, then tried to gather all my courage. "Ok, someone should probably call Carlisle."


	6. Chapter 6

I had barely finished speaking when Carlisle appeared behind Alice in the door way. Alice stepped to the side so that Carlisle could step into the room, and I rolled to the side and pushed myself up into a seated position.

"Bella, I have the car waiting outside ready to head up to the hospital," Carlisle said calmly.

"Can't we do it here?" I asked in a small voice.

"The exam needs to be done in a clinical facility for the evidence to be admissible in court," Carlisle explained. "You want to be able to get this guy don't you?"

I just nodded to him, not wanting my voice to portray just how little I cared about this guy and his future. I knew that everyone wanted me to have him arrested, and I wanted to give them what they wanted so I would go along with it. I felt a great weight gathering on my shoulders as I saw the concern in their eyes. Underneath the concern in Edward's eyes I could see pain and guilt, and I would do anything to make it go away. If I had to get through this exam, and put this man in jail to get the light back in his eyes I would do it.

I slowly stood, and followed Carlisle down the stairs. Edward moved as if he was going to help me down the stairs when I winced at the pain it cause me to move my legs so much, but he shied away just as quickly. There was a part of me that felt supremely guilty for avoiding his touch, but I could feel my skin crawl at the thought of any hand on me ever again.

I slid into the back seat of the car, and crammed myself up against the door when Edward sat beside me. He lay his hand face up on the seat in offering, and I took it carefully, prepared to drop it if I couldn't handle it. The gentle circles that he massaged into my palm relaxed me, and I felt my back sink a bit further into the seat behind me. The ride went quickly after I closed my eyes and let my mind focus only on the sound of Edward humming to me.

When we arrived at the hospital Carlisle led me swiftly past the nurses and to a room that had a free standing curtain blocking the doorway so that the bed was hidden from view even when the door was opened. I stood by the bed, and waited to here what he would say.

"Edward I think it would be best if you left for the first part of the exam," Carlisle said calmly. "Alice, its up to Bella if she wants you in the room while the pictures are taken."

"Why does Edward have to leave," I whispered.

"For the first part of the exam you will be completely exposed, I thought it best to protect some of your privacy."

"Oh, that's a good idea…" I trailed off, trying to hide the coming future from my own mind.

"Okay," Edward said softly. "I will be out in the hallway, just call for me when you want me to return, okay Bella?"

"Yes," I whispered so low I couldn't hear myself, but I knew Edward would hear.

After Edward left, Carlisle asked me to take my clothes off. I did as I was told and then I stood their with my eyes closed. I could feel his hands on my, but I kept my eye clamped shut, and my hand firmly gripped around Alice's fingers. My entire body flinched with every click of the shutter on the camera that I would never look at. I forced the questions of who might see those photos from my mind, and thoughts only of the proper instructions for creating the perfect chicken enchilada. I did everything I could to detach myself from my body while it was invaded again.

"Okay Bella, you can put the gown on and then climb into the bed." Carlisle said softly. "I will go wait in the hallway, call me back when you are ready to continue."

I opened my eyes, and was relieved to see Alice holding a gown out to me. My hands fumbled as I tried to take it from her, and she swiftly pulled it over my arms and then tied the back for me before taking my hand again. I wanted to thank her, but all that came from my throat was a strange ripping sound, and it was then that I realized I had begun to cry again.

"Its ok Bella, just breathe," Alice said calmly as she lead me to the bed.

I climbed in, and allowed her to cover me in the blanket after sliding my legs into the stirrups at the end of the bed. She came back around to the side of the bed and took my hand again, and I forced a stiff smile for her before closing my eyes and trying to take some deep cleansing breaths. When I realized I was not going to succeed in stopping the tears I gave up, and called out softly that Edward and Carlisle could return.

Edward quickly came to my side and took my other hand. I squeezed all of my tension and fear into the hands of my lover and my best friend, and clamped my eyes shut as Carlisle began the rest of the exam. Edward hummed to me through out the entire ordeal, and it was almost enough to distract me from the pain, and the intense emotions that were ripping through my body.


	7. Chapter 7

I had finally lulled myself into a mental trance that rescued me from the torture of the exam when the thwack of latex gloves hitting them selves pulled me back to reality. I saw through blurry eyes that Carlisle had slid the blanket down to cover me and was taking his gloves off.

"Alright Bella, you can slid your legs out of the stirrups." he said kindly before stepping off to the side of the bed, probably so I wouldn't feel exposed as I moved.

I dropped my legs off the end of the bed, and took a relieved breath as the realization that I was not nearly as exposed anymore washed over me. I sat up, and before I could even ask Alice slid another pillow behind me to help prop me up so I could stay in an upright position without so much pull on my muscles.

"Thanks Alice," I croaked, surprised at how husky my voice had become.

"Its no problem Bella," Alice said softly. "Charlie will be coming through the door in about ten seconds."

As soon as she said it, I could hear his footsteps in the hallway. He seemed to be running, they were loud and fast. I was surprised by how loud the sound of his shoe soles smacking against the linoleum in the hallway sounded to me. I took as deep of a breath as I could manage as I heard his weight hit the door, and watched it start to swing open.

"Bella," Charlie cried out as he approached the bed at a quick gate. I couldn't help but freeze up a bit, and he seemed to notice because he stopped moving. "Oh Bella, I'm so sorry baby."

"Its not your fault dad," I said in a strangely dead voice. "I just made some nad choices."

"No Bella, don't make this out as your fault honey," he beseeched me. It was strange to hear Charlie be so tender, we didn't often show emotion to each other. He looked like he might have been crying before he came in the room.

"Charlie, are you going to be the officer to take her statement?" Carlisle asked, his voice colored with confusion.

"Yes," Charlie said gruffly. "Mark said he could do it, said a father shouldn't have to hear about something like that happening to his baby. I told Mark, I wouldn't make my Bella tell something like that to someone she hardly knows. Family or not, I am taking this case."

"Are you sure dad?" I asked quietly. "I don't want you to have to hear about something like this. Its not a very good story."

"Bella, I can handle it." Charlie said trying to soften the angry out of his voice as he spoke to me. "Don't you worry about me baby."

"Ok," I whispered in defeat.

"If you would all just step outside," Charlie stated gruffly as he pulled a rolling stool up next to my bed and pulled a notebook out of his pocket along with a pen.

"No," I gasped pulling hard on Edward's hand. "Please don't leave me."

"I promised I wouldn't leave you Bella, I'm not going anywhere," Edward said as he stared at Charlie with a look of determination on his face.

"Alright, Edward can stay, but I would ask that everyone else leave this is going to be a hard enough conversation as it is." Charlie said, he was in full cop mode now.

"Ok Charlie, Alice will be in the waiting room just down the hall Bella, and I am going to go check in on another patient for the time being." Carlisle said soothingly as he and Alice headed for the door.

"Ok," I whispered again.

I closed my eyes as the door clicked shut and focused all of my attention on Edward rubbing soothing figure eight patterns on the back of the hand that he was holding. I truly loved that man, here he was feeling all sorts of emotions and he was doing all he could to cater to mine. I would make sure to never put him in a less than pleasing situation after this one had ended.

"Ok Bella," Charlie said softly, pulling my attention back to him, and causing me to open my eyes to look at him. "I need you to tell me everything that happened tonight. Don't leave anything out."

"Ok," I sighed, and took a deep breath before I started talking. "I decided to go out dancing with Jessica and Lauren in Port Angeles tonight. I went over to Jessica's house after school to get ready. That was where I made my first bad choice, I wore a very risqué outfit. It hardly covered anything, I was asking for trouble--"

"Bella, I'm gonna stop your right there," Charlie interrupted. "I'm going to tell you, what I find most rape survivors have to be told. What happened was not your fault. I know that its hard to believe that sometimes, but for right now if you have to pretend that you believe it do that. This report will be used by the prosecution as well as the defense attorney in court. Defense attorneys are like sharks, and they will use your self degrading language as proof that their client is innocent. We both know he isn't innocent, so we don't want to give the bad guys any ammunition okay honey?"

"Sorry Dad. I won't do it again." I agreed tucking my chin into my collar bone.

"Its okay Bella, you aren't in trouble, I just want to make sure that this case goes all the way through." Charlie said kindly. "You can go on with your story now."

"We rode with Lauren, after getting a curfew of 1 am from Jessica's mom," I began. "It didn't take to long to get to the club. We paid cover and went in to start dancing. There were a lot of people, so it was really hot. After dancing for awhile I started to get to warm, and kind of thirsty. I was heading over to the coat check area to pick up my purse so I could buy a drink when I ran into a guy named Matt or Mike or something, I am not really sure anymore what his name was exactly. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize baby, its okay if you can't remember his name," Charlie said softly, as he jotted some notes down on his notepad. "We'll find out what his name is when we prove that the man in custody is the guy who did it, through the evidence that Carlisle collected a little while ago."

"Ok daddy," I whispered, despising myself for sounding so terribly childlike, especially when I saw the pain rippled across his face as he looked at me when I called him that. Why was I hurting everyone?

"Alright honey," Charlie said, sounding gruff before he cleared his throat to try and sound more professional. "Go ahead with your story."

"I tripped when I ran into the guy, and he caught me. He kept a hold of my waist, and I should have found that weird, but I must have just been distracted or something." I said, and I paused to give Charlie an apologetic look when I realized I had used incriminating language again. "We started talking and he asked if I wanted a drink. At first I thought he was offering me alcohol so I told him I was to young. He explained that I meant soda, so I laughed with him, and said okay. He lead me over to a couch to sit down and then headed off to get me a soda. I didn't even think about going with him to get it, I just didn't suspect that he was a bad guy. He brought me the soda, and I drank it very quickly, I was very thirsty. When I had finished drinking it he asked me to dance, and I said yes. I figured it was the least I could do since he was being so nice to me. We danced for awhile, and everything seemed fine, but then it started to change. He was man handling me, and forcing me to dance inappropriately, but I was starting to feel dizzy and weak so I couldn't get him to stop. He just kept dancing, and I started to have trouble keeping my eyes open."

I stopped talking because I could hardly breath. I hadn't realized that I had started crying until my tears became so strong that I was practically hyperventilating. Edward's other hand fluttered above me, wanting to reach out to touch me in a soothing manner, but fearing that he would cause harm rather than help. It hurt my heart to see him so unsure of himself.

"Its alright Bella," Charlie said in a soothing voice with his hand outstretched as if he were going to pat my leg before he decided better of it and let it fall back in his lap. "Take as long of a break as you need baby."

All I could manage as a response was a nod. My mind was in such turmoil. It was so hard to try and put everything back together in my mind, and it was terrible to think of what part of the story I knew was coming. Worse yet I couldn't handle the pain I knew I was inflicting on the people that I loved by telling them this story. Maybe I should have told Edward to leave with Alice, and asked Charlie to send officer Mark, but at the same time I just couldn't see myself getting through this with other people around me. I forced my eyes closed, and tried to get myself under control so I wouldn't cause them anymore anguish.

"Ok, I think I can finish now," I said in a quiet raspy voice that I didn't even recognize. "I told him that I didn't feel well, and that I needed to sit down. He agreed easily and took me back to the same couch from before. I remember thinking that the couch was oddly removed from the dance floor, but I don't think I could have walked away from it if I tried my body wasn't doing what I told it to anymore. It was like I was full of lead. The man pushed me down onto the couch, and into a laying position. At first I thought he was just being caring, but then he started pulling a curtain closed around us so the couch was hidden. I started to get really scared but my mouth wouldn't move t o cry out for help."

I stopped for a moment so I could catch my breath. My breathing had accelerated again as I thought about how I felt in those moments. I need to keep my body from reliving the story as I told it or I was never going to make it through. When I felt under control I was ready to talk again.

"I was starting to black out when he forced my arms above my head, and began kissing on my neck," I said in a strangely dead voice. "I could feel him pushing my dress up, but I couldn't see anymore. My eyes had drifted closed and I couldn't make them open again. I felt him tear my undergarments off, and I wanted to scream but my throat and mouth wouldn't do what I told them to. The last thing I felt was him forcing himself into me, and then I blacked out."

"Ok, thank you Bella," Charlie said after a few seconds of silence. He wrote a few more notes and then he looked up. "Officer Mark is getting the story of what happened after you blacked out from Alice in the waiting room right now. He will want to hear from you as well Edward. Bella if Edward sends Alice in here, can he leave for now so we can get the police business taken care of as quickly as we can tonight?"

"Ok," I whispered, hardly loudly enough to be heard by Charlie.

"I won't be far love," Edward said quietly, giving my hand a gentle squeeze before laying it back down on the bed and striding quickly out of the room.

I counted the seconds between he and Charlie stepping out of the room. Alice was sliding into my room before I got to ten, and I let out a sigh of breath I didn't know I had been holding. She came over to the bed quickly, and I noticed that she had a black bad with her, which I stared at incredulously.

"Its some clean clothes," Alice explained, zeroing in on my line of sight. "They have to keep the dress as evidence."

"Oh," I said daftly.

"Do you need help, or would you prefer I step out?" Alice said softly.

"I think I can do it myself," I told her, before a lack of confidence in my shaky muscles crossed my mind. "Can you stay in the room just incase though?"

"Sure," Alice agreed with a kind smile before she turned her back to give me some privacy.

I slid as slowly as I could manage off of the bed, holding the blanket to me. Every movement was painful, and I couldn't help but try to figure out how long this could possibly last. I quickly threw on all the clothes from the bag, mentally thanking Alice for bringing soft sweats and a t-shirt for me. I knew it went against her fashion sense, but my skin was feeling extra sensitive, and I doubt I could handle wearing much else. Even the soft insides of the sweat pants felt like they were grating on the skin of my thighs.

"Thank you Alice," I said quietly once I was completely dressed.

"You're welcome Bella," Alice said softly as she slowly approached me offering her hand. "It sounds like their about ready for us in the waiting room."

I smiled at Alice's superhuman hearing and took her hand. She lead me down the hall to the waiting room without a word, and gently released my hand when I moved to go to Edward's side. I strode as quickly as I could without straining my already sore muscles, and reclaimed Edward's hand breathing a sigh of relief at being in his presences again.

"Can I shower now," I whispered staring pointedly at the floor.

"As soon as we're home kiddo," Charlie said in a choked voice. "Do you want to ride with me or Edward?"

"Edward," I said, hoping my father wouldn't get his feelings hurt.

"I thought so," he said with a kind smile. "I'll see you at the house baby."


	8. Chapter 8

EPOV

**I was holding Bella's hand as she told Charlie the story that would forever be burned into my mind. I was surprised that hearing her words depict what had happened was far worse than actually seeing it happen to her through Alice's vision, or with my own sight. He words, delivered in the most dead voice I had ever heard grace my angels lips, we so full of guilt and pain I could hardly stand it. What was worse than that, I was starting to suspect Jasper may be in the hospital, because I was picking up wisps of Bella's feelings. I have grown accustomed to having to read her face to have any sort of idea of what she is thinking, but I could feel her guilt as if it were tangible. **

**I vaguely focused in on what she was saying as it became clear that I was sensing something from her. I searched the voices around us in the adjoining rooms, and realized that I couldn't hear Jasper anywhere. Was I actually hearing Bella? I thought I heard her call Charlie daddy, and I was intending to look to see how he reacted to that since I had never heard her call him that before, but my attention was ripped away from Charlie when I heard a startlingly new, yet unforgettably familiar voice whisper in the back of my mind: **_**Why am I hurting everyone?**_

**There was no mistaking the voice, I had very clearly just heard Bella, and her lips weren't moving. A part of me wanted to be joyous that I seemed to be getting my wish at long last, but all I could think about was how devastating her thoughts were. I focused all of my thoughts towards her, trying to hear her again, to know what else she was thinking about, but it was foggy. It was apparent that I could still vaguely hear what she was thinking, but it was more like feelings, and the occasional random image, rather than the clear thoughts I picked up from other people. Perhaps her mental shield was still in place, it was just partially down for some reason. It saddened me further when I realized that something else about my love had been altered tonight. Her mind truly would not be the same, that much was obvious.**

**I focused back in on Bella telling her story, and realized she had reached the part I had already witness with my own eyes. To my shock, as I was not adjusted to the new turn of events, I saw the story playing out in my mind but from Bella's point of view. I was once again seeing very clearly into her mind, well as clearly as she could remember anyway. I saw the misty form of a man looming over me, and felt the ghost like sensation of hands that weren't there touching me. I pulled myself out of Bella's mind because I couldn't handle the feel of what she was reliving.**

**When she had finished speaking, Charlie told me that I needed to go speak with officer Mark in the waiting room. I gave one last encouraging look to Bella, and then I hurried off to weave more lies. Alice must have heard me coming because her thoughts quickly shifted to a recap of the story she had given the officer.**_** Bella had gone out with friends, you and I decided to have a siblings night out as well. I dragged you off to a dance club, not realizing it was the one that Bella and her friends were at. You had wandered off into the back looking for a bathroom and saw the curtain being disturbed by something taking place behind it. You went to look because you were curious, and then you saw what was happening. You threw the guy off Bella, and we took off for the hospital.**_

**Alice had just finished her mental recap when I opened the door of the waiting room and stepped inside. Officer Mark stood and crossed the room towards me with his hand extended. I took it and shook his hand, hoping he wouldn't think to much about the temperature of my hand.**

_**Poor boy looks like his world has ended. I hope he is at least keeping it together around Bella.**_

"**Hello sir," I said a bit more curtly than I meant to after the edge of his thoughts hit me. Of course I would do what was right by Bella, she was the reason for my existence.**

"**Hello Edward," Mar said cordially. "Sorry that we have to be speaking under such terrible circumstances."**

**I just nodded, and followed him over to sit on the couch. Sparing a small nod to Alice as she slid out the door to go back to Bella.**

"**Alright Edward, can you tell me how you came to be in Port Angeles tonight?" the officer asked as he clicked his pen and let his hand hover over his notebook.**

"**Bella had decided to go out dancing with her friends for the evening, so Alice and I decided to have a siblings night out of sorts. We decided to go to Port Angeles, and somehow Alice convinced me to go dancing with her. We picked the first club that we drove by, and decided to go there." I explained, and then paused trying to play the part of a confused teenager who would have been surprised to find themselves in the same club as their girlfriend when it wasn't intended.**

" **And this was the same club that Bella and her friends were at?" Mark asked.**

"**It turns out it was, but I didn't know that when we decided to go." I answered. "I think that Alice chose it because of the colors on the sign, they were very eye catching. We went in to dance, and I humored Alice for a few minutes, but then I decided I would feign a trip to the bathroom to get out of dancing for awhile. I was wandering around the back area of the dance floor trying to figure out where the bathrooms where when I noticed that the curtains by a group of couches were getting pushed about quite a bit. I went and pulled the curtain back to see what was happening."**

**I stopped speaking there, not for dramatic pause, but because I could feel myself loosing control of my temper. I was nearly seeing red, as the image of Bella pinned beneath that scum of a man played before my eyes. I needed to get myself under control before I broke couch and gave away myself and my family.**

"**I imagine it hard to think about what you saw, but I need your statement to complete the report son," Mark said in a kind voice, and his thoughts reflected that he was sorry that he had to do this.**

"**I saw that man on top of Bella." I forced out, trying to soften my voice when I heard just how angry it sounded. "It looked like she was passed out, and he… was… forcing himself on her. I lost control of my anger when I pulled him off of her. I threw him into the wall, and hit him several times. Then I regained my senses and realized it should be the law that dealt with him. I quickly went back to Bella, and picked her up. She was very much unconscious. I ran out to the car, and Alice must have seen me as I was going because she followed me. We drove Bella here as fast as we legally could."**

"**Thank you Edward." Mark said kindly. **_**As we legally could… that would be funny in another circumstance, I doubt they stayed within the legal speed.**_** "You can go back to Bella now."**

"**Thank you sir," I said kindly as I left, finding that I almost laughed at his thoughts.**

**I met Bella and Charlie in the lobby, and wasn't very surprised when Bella wanted me to drive her home. I could clearly tell, without the wisps of her thoughts, that she felt she was burdening Charlie with her presence this evening. Hopefully I could help her to realize that Charlie felt anything but burdened. He all but threw Mark from the hospital when he wanted to be the officer to take the case. Charlie wanted to protect his daughter in anyway he could.**

**I walked slowly at Bella's side to my car. I wanted to pick her up. I could tell from her body language and the brief thoughts crossing her mind that she was in pain while walking. I was just afraid I would startle her if I touched her somewhere other than her hand. We had always taken our physical relationship slowly, mostly because of me, but I was certain we would be moving much slower now, and I could do that for my Bella.**

"**Bella," I said softly as I opened her door for her. "Aside from the obvious are you feeling different this evening?"**

"**I'm not sure I know what you mean Edward," she said softly as she moved gingerly into the car. "Why do you ask?"**

"**Well, I can sort of hear you," I said, before quickly running around to the driver's side so I could join her within the confines of the car. "Not full thoughts, mostly just ideas with the occasional clear thought coming through."**

"**Oh no," Bella groaned leaning her head against the window. "I'm sorry Edward."**

"**Don't be sorry love, even if it isn't pleasant I want to know what you are thinking," I said softly as I turned on the car. "I will do my best not to listen to closely if you wish though. I know you have always enjoyed that I couldn't hear you."**

"**That might be best, but I am not going to boss you around," Bella mumbled against the window.**

**We drove in a calm silence to Bella's house. There was the slight strain of not knowing what to say, but mostly we just held on to the comfort of each others company. I caught wisps that Bella felt dirty and that she was in pain, but I tried not to listen because I knew she wouldn't like it. Within a few minutes we were in front of the house, and I was surprised to see that Charlie wasn't there yet.**

**I focused my ears, and realized that he was not far behind us. When he entered my mental range I heard him thinking about the favor he would own Mr. Yorkie for opening the pharmacy at such a late hour for him. He had gone to fill a pain medication prescription as well as one for the morning after pill for Bella. I hadn't thought about the chance that Bella could be impregnated by what happened tonight. How would she feel about the pill?**

"**Charlie will be here in a minute or two," I told Bella as I opened her door for her and held out my hand. I sighed with relief when she took it as she climbed out of the car. "He got your prescriptions filled, so the pain will stop soon love."**

"**Thank god," Bella whispered, and had I been human I wouldn't have caught it. She then spoke at a normal level. "Okay."**

**We walked slowly into the house, and straight into the kitchen. I turned the light on as Bella began rummaging through the cabinets. She pulled out a box of crackers and a glass, which she filled with water. If she were hungry, shouldn't she eat more than that?**

"**Are you hungry love?" I asked as I crossed the kitchen to join her. "I could fix you something to eat."**

"**I'm not hungry Edward," she said with a sad smile. "But pain killers are supposed to be taken with food right? So I figured I could stomach a few crackers if it meant I wouldn't end up vomiting in the end."**

"**Very smart," I smiled at her. "I hadn't even thought about that."**

"**That might be a first," Bella said, followed by a ghost of her bubbly laugh. "You always think of everything."**

**Then the door clicked open and Charlie came in. He walked into the kitchen, set the bag of medicine on the table and began taking off his boots and police equipment before he spoke.**

"**Bells, there's some pain meds and the morning after pill in the bag," Charlie said without looking at Bella. I read from his thoughts that the idea of a possible pregnancy made him very uncomfortable.**

"**The morning after pill?" Bella said in shock. **_**Murder.**_** I was more shocked by the one worded thought that I picked up from her, than the look of shock on her face. "Charlie I won't take that."**

"**Bella, why would you risk it?" Charlie said still not quite looking at his daughter. "And since when do you call me Charlie?"**

"**Dad, it just slipped, sorry." Bella back pedaled. "I won't take it though. I will hope that I'm not pregnant, but I won't risk murdering a baby just for my convenience. Its not right."**

"**Bells, you're only 18." Charlie grunted finally looking at his daughter. "You're about to get married, you guys aren't ready for a kid on top of everything."**

**I didn't want Charlie to pull me into this argument. In the end this was Bella's decision, and quite frankly it wouldn't help Charlie's opinion of me for him to know that I admired Bella's choice. I didn't want her to be pregnant with that scum's spawn, but I also could not in good conscience agreed to murdering an innocent child.**

"**I know Edward would support whatever I choose dad!" Bella all but growled, and I gave her a smile to show my support. "And 18 or not, I know which outcomes I could live with, and being a murderer isn't one of them."**

"**Ok Bells," Charlie caved under his daughter's anger, as it was such a rare thing to be seen. "Its your choice baby."**

"**Thank you dad." Bella said, her voice soft again. "I think I will grab a shower and then head to bed."**

**Charlie nodded, and left the kitchen. I heard him turn on the tv and knew he would be waiting for me to leave before he went to bed. I handed Bella the bottle of pain medication, told her I loved her, and that I would see her in the morning. I then whispered that I would see her as soon as I returned the car to my house, and headed for the front door. Charlie called a goodbye to me, and I told him I would see him around. I jumped into the car, and tried to keep any murderous thoughts towards Bella's assailant at bay as I hurdled towards my house.**


	9. Chapter 9

I quickly swallowed the pain killers that Charlie had picked up for me as I listened to the crunch of gravel under tires as Edward drove away. I grabbed the morning after pill prescription and threw it away with a grumble. There was a part of me that was absolutely terrified of being pregnant, but I just couldn't bring myself to take it. I ate another cracker and then shuffled out of the kitchen.

Staring up the stairs that would lead me to the shower I so desperately wanted was a very daunting sight. The relief of pain hadn't come yet, and there were a lot of stairs. I took a deep breath and started to push myself forward, the need to be clean over riding the agony I was in. I slid quickly into my room and grabbed a new set of clothes and undergarments for bed. I knew I had only had these on for like 30 minutes, but the felt tainted, having been on my unclean skin. I hoped Alice wouldn't see me picking a new outfit and take it personally some how, as I headed for the bathroom.

I shut the door behind me, just as I heard Charlie mounting the stairs. I was fairly sure he was headed towards his bedroom, but I couldn't stop myself from locking the door behind me just to be safe. Just as the loud snap of the lock clicking into the place hit my ears I was hit with a wave of guilt, that strangely enough I was fairly sure wasn't mine. It was as if I could physically feel the guilt emanating off my father when the thought that I would be hiding from him accompanied his acknowledgement of the locked door. I tried to brush it off before it could stir stronger feelings of my own guilt, and tried to shut down my senses before my mind could try to figure out what had just happened. Right now I would give anything to not be in my own mind.

I turn the shower on, and let the water run until it was scorching hot as I pulled of my clothes. I slipped into the shower, forcing my mind to ignore the sting of the heat. House keeping experience had taught me that the best clean came from very hot water, and I was very dirty. I grabbed a washcloth and lathered it in my body wash and began to scrub my skin. I was scrubbing so hard that I could vaguely feel pain, but whether it was the pain killers kicking in, or my mind wandering away to a safe place, I felt detached from the pain, as if it was actually happening to someone else. I went through the entire bottle of body wash as I scrubbed my entire body over and over again. No matter how hard I scrubbed I just didn't feel clean. When the soap was gone, and my wash cloth became stained by the blood I hadn't realized had broken the surface on the calf I had been scrubbing I decided it was time to stop scrubbing.

I quickly washed and conditioned my hair, trying to ignore the burn of the hot water hitting the freshly broken patch of skin on my leg. I turned the shower off, and pulled the curtain back, relieved to see that the bathroom was so full of fog that the mirror was completely obscured and I could not see myself. I patted my sore skin dry as softly as I could, but the fibers of the towel still made me think of glass. I pulled my clothes on and breathed a sigh of relief at the soothing feeling of the soft fleece against my skin. I rolled the left leg of my pants up, and grabbed some antibacterial gel as well as a role of gauze from the medicine cabinet before I sat down on the toilet. I quickly covered the raspberry like patch of broken skin on my leg with the gel, and then began wrapping it up just incase it bled anymore. I didn't want to torture Edward to much with the smell of my blood, though I was certain he was sitting in my room loosing his mind over having smelled it as I showered, and not been sure where it had come from.

When I was finished I straightened up my pajamas, threw my other clothes in the hamper, and sighed before I unlocked and opened the bathroom door. I padded quickly down the hallway, and slid into my bedroom, shutting and locking the door behind me. I wasn't exactly sure why I did it. Its not like I really needed to keep Charlie out. I just felt more secure behind a locked door. I turned from the door, and saw Edward's dark form sitting quietly in my rocking chair, slightly illuminated by the moon light streaming through my window. He made no move to come towards me and for that I was grateful. I could feel sadness rolling across the floor towards me, and it unnerved me to realize it had the distinct flavor of Edward in my mind. What was going on with me?

"How are you feeling Edward?" I asked, wanting to know if it was really his emotion I was feeling right now.

"Please don't worry about how I'm feeling love," Edward replied in a subdued voice, as he finally turned to look at me.

"Please just answer the question," I whispered.

"I have been feeling many things tonight, but right now I feel very sad." Edward said almost inaudibly. "Watching you sleep has always been a special treat for me, but I am terribly unsure of that your sleep will be like tonight, and the thought that it could very likely be very different than your peaceful sleeps I normally get to witness tears at my heart."

"Thank you for telling me." I whispered as I tried to wrap my mind around the idea that I had indeed felt his emotions. "Please don't be sad though. It probably won't be that bad. I'm very tired, so I am going to go to sleep, but will you please take me to see Jasper in the morning?"

"Anything you want love," Edward replied firmly as I slid under the covers.

Edward stayed in the chair, and my arms yearned for him to come to me, but my mind fought against the idea of anyone being so close. I wished I could erase this night, and just lay in Edward's arms like I used to.

"Edward will you come here?" I said softly.

"Are you sure Bella?" he said quietly, but he did stand from the chair.

"No, honestly I'm not, but I'd like to try." I said plainly.

Edward looked confused and determined at the same time and slowly crossed the room towards me. I could tell that he was apprehensive about testing my boundaries so soon, but I couldn't bring myself to tell him to forget about trying. He slowly lowered himself into a seated position next to me on the bed with his feet still planted on the floor. I felt my heart race increasing, but I hoped he wouldn't notice. As he put his arm down on the bed preparing to lower himself into a laying position my heart took off at a sprint, and my breathing became labored. He of course noticed and quickly stood back up so he was not near me on the bed.

"Maybe this isn't such a good idea love," he whispered sadly.

"I'm sorry," I cried, hating myself for the tears that began to burn down my cheeks.

"Don't be Bella." Edward said softly. "Its okay. I will just sit here on the floor by the bed okay?"

"That won't be comfortable," I snuffled trying to get myself under control.

"I'm a vampire love, I could sit for a week on the hardest rock, and still feel like I was resting on a comfortable bed. Please don't worry about me." Edward cooed.

"Okay," I whispered as the fogginess I knew to be pain medication finally broke into the forefront of my mind. I knew I wouldn't be able to stay awake much longer so I let my eyes flutter closed.

"Sleep well my angel," I heard Edward whisper as the world faded out around me.

I wished terribly that my mind could have taken his prompt and ran with it, but it seemed that as soon as I let myself fall asleep and reel of film flick to life behind my eyes, and a terribly horror movie was all I could see. A blurred and distorted face was chasing me around Jessica's closet full of dresses and whispering in a raspy voice about how I was a whore, and I would never be good enough for Edward now. I tried to hide from the face or the voice, but I couldn't escape. Suddenly I was trapped in the corner of the closet behind a wrack of dresses, and I was pinned down by a swirling black form. The blackness was gliding over my skin, and it felt like hot sweaty hands touching me. I wanted to scream for it to stop but not sound would come from my mouth and I couldn't move. I was completely trapped as the black smoke tore my clothes away and touched me in all the wrong place. I could scream for help. All I could do was let the tears fall freely from my eyes as I relieved my terrible night.

EPOV

Bella quickly fell asleep after she climbed into bed, and I sadly found myself relieved. I could hear her almost crystal clear as she was in the shower. Her mind swirled with self loathing thoughts, that evoked a protective side of me, but I could not protect Bella from herself. Through her own eyes I watched her scrub her body raw, trying not to look when she looked at parts of her body that were not for my eyes to see. I reached a new level of hell when she literally scrubbed her leg raw. Through her mind I could feel her lack of knowledge to what she was doing, just the vague sting that she should have taken as a warning. And through my own mind I was ravaged by the smell of her freshly spilt blood flowing. The sweetness was enhanced by how her body had been heated by the shower. My throat burned with the thirst only Bella could elicit, yet I was somehow able to push it away with my concern for her well being.

After that I just wanted her to sleep so she couldn't hurt herself anymore tonight. I knew she wasn't really doing it on purpose but she was making me terribly nervous. I was also incredibly guilty when I realized by the thoughts in the back of her mind that I wasn't even sure she had realized yet, she though only Jasper could really help her with her current problem. Her currently problem, as she saw it, was absolutely boggling my mind. She seemed to be feeling both Charlie and my own emotions, and I couldn't understand how that would be possible. I could see why she would want to talk to Jasper about this, but I felt like a failure that I couldn't come up with some sort of answer for her.

After she feel into a deeper sleep my torture increased. I sat on the floor next to the bed trying to keep her safe from reliving tonight in anyway, but I could not protect her from her dreams. And to my torture I would not just be hearing her whimper in her sleep tonight, I could see the wisps of her dream as the floated around her mind, and it tore straight through me. I longed to reach out and rub her back soothingly, but I feared it would only increase her anxiety. I had never felt more afraid of anything, that I did of the black cloud of smoke that haunted her dream. It was a monster I would never be able to save her from and it chilled me to the bone. When the tears of her dream began to fall down her face in reality, I could not stop myself from reaching out to wipe them away. Even in her sleep she cringed away from contact, and I quickly removed my hand, shoving it into my mouth and biting down to stifled the strangled cry that was trying to escape my throat. I felt the searing burn as my own venom leaked into me where I had pierced my own skin, but I welcomed it as a distraction from the many feelings that were ripping through me as I watch the love of my existence toss and turn in her sleep.

I stood watching her for hours, and as the early morning sun began to seep through the window she finally fell still against the pillows. I saw that her eyes were not longer tracking behind the lids, which meant that she was no longer in REM cycle, and hopefully would not dream again tonight. I breathed a sigh of relief and sat back down on the bed, so I would be were she last saw me when she finally woke up. I focused in on the changes in her breathing so I would not have to listen to Charlie's dreams of murdering the man who had hurt his daughter, or my own thoughts and fears about what the future of our relationship held. I couldn't help but worry that Bella would no longer want to marry me, or even be around me or any other man after this had happened, but I wasn't sure I could be strong enough to just walk away, even if it was what she wanted from me.


	10. Chapter 10

I had never felt more relieved to wake up than I was this morning. The warm sun seemed to be the perfect magic to ward away the terrible dreams that were plaguing me. I almost felt completely myself when I turned to see Edward sparkling against the wall by my bed, and I almost jumped out of bed to hug him. I swung myself into an upright position while I was still thinking about jumping on my fiancé, but the quickly becoming familiar pull to my muscles reminded me why I wouldn't really want to do that.

I felt even worse when I realized Edward knew what just happened. I couldn't help but wonder if he was hearing me again right now. I hope not. What a terrible time for him to start hearing me. I wonder what exactly changed? Its like whatever it was that was shielding my mind started to disappear after this whole thing happened, and what was going on with the emotional stuff anyway?

"A penny for your thoughts," Edward whispered pulling me from my reverie.

"You can't hear me right now?" I mused. "That's weird…"

"Maybe it was a fluke last night.." Edward mused in a voice I sadly recognized as the same one I used to placate Renee when she was getting to worked up about something.

"Maybe." I said softly, hoping I came across as stable so he wouldn't be so concerned about what to say to me. "So do you want to go to your house today?"

"Yeah," Edward said with a small smile breaking across his face. "Jasper should be back from hunting by the time we get there."

"Okay," I said giving him a small smile. "I just need to get dressed then."

Edward took the subtle hint and went to wait in the hallway. I quickly grabbed the thick grey turtleneck sweater dress that Alice bought me awhile back, but I had refused to wear for a long time. I paired it with the thick black leggings she had given to me with them, and was very pleased to find that the outfit was kind of comfortable. I knew Alice would cringe when she saw me but I threw on a pair of converse with the outfit to soothe the flight instinct that kept making my heart rate pick up when I thought about being surrounded by people. It seemed to get easier when I convinced myself that I would be able to run away if I were wearing those shoes.

"Alright, I'm ready to go." I whispered to Edward's slouched form on the stairs waiting for me as I tiptoed out of my room. "I've never seen a vampire slouch before."

"I guess its not so common," Edward chuckled. "I was just enjoying the wood grain."

"You are very strange, fiancé of mine." I gave a small chuckle before joining him on the stair. I barely even shivered when our arms brushed. I leaned my head against the wall on my right, and looked at the wood grain just like Edward. "Its nice wood grain isn't it?"

"Its nice, love," Edward chuckled. "It reminds me of this table Esme used to love before Emmet and I smashed it when wrestling…"

"Who actually smashed it, you or Emmet?" I laughed.

"Well it was technically Emmet's body, but I threw him, so I think that makes it my fault." Edward explained. "I replaced the table, but this grain is nicer."

"I'll let Charlie know how much you love his wall." I openly laughed, so hard I could feel tears building up from how hard I was laughing. "Thank you for this."

"Literally anything to hear that laugh again," Edward said looking deep into my eyes. "I already miss it. I'm so sorry about our fight yesterday afternoon Bella. I really only meant to say I hoped you could enjoy the last bit of human moments left."

"I know Edward," I conceded with a small smile. "I got mad for basically no reason, and I spoke to you so rudely its not even funny. If it isn't too much to ask, could we both just say we're sorry and then pretend it didn't happen?"

"I suppose we could." Edward said as his smile grew. "I'm sorry."

"You already said that," I chuckled a little. "I'm sorry too. I love you."

"I love you too my Bella," Edward said, and then sighed because he wanted to pull me into his arms.


	11. Chapter 11

The drive out to the Cullen house was nice. Edward turned on his music, and I was pleased to hear the calming notes of Claire De Lune wafting out of the speakers. I held Edwards hand, and let my headrest against the seat with my eyes closed just taking everything in. I felt almost normal in that moment. I could remember my first ride in Edward's Volvo, it had been so much like this one, only then I would have traded my right lung just to touch his hand let alone hold it.

It was almost comical to think of how much things had changed. We were essentially the same people we had been during that drive, and yet we were almost completely different as well. Our love for each other had altered us both in a way that could not be undone, and I wouldn't want it to be. I would die for Edward, and I was certain he felt the same as he had risked his life for me before.

"Jasper is waiting for you in the living room," Edward whispered softly as the car came to a stop.

"Did you call ahead?" I asked as I opened my eyes taking in the familiar white house.

"No," Edward chuckled. "Alice sort of did that for me I guess."

"Ahh," I sighed before chuckling. "Meddling little pixie sister of mine."

Before I could blink Edward was opening my door for me. He offered me his hand, and I took it without hesitation. I immediately praised myself mentally, because not 24 hours ago I would have questioned if holding the hand of the love of my life were safe. I was feeling almost completely comfortable, and that seemed to make everything normal. I wasn't feeling any emotions coming from Edward, and he didn't seem to be hearing me either.

We quickly mounted the stairs, and Edward opened the front door for me. I walked slowly into the living room, careful not to trip over the threshold, which had been my enemy last time I had come over. It did not catch me up this time, so I couldn't help but smile a little.

"Good morning Bella," Jasper greeted me as he stood up from the couch.

"Good morning Jasper," I said, suddenly feeling shy and letting my eyes drift towards the carpet. "How are you today?"

"I'm quite alright," Jasper chuckled. "A little pixie told me that you wanted to talk to me about something?"

"Yeah," I whispered. "Its kind of a weird subject I guess. I'm a little embarrassed."

That's when it happened. I felt the pity rolling off of Jasper and Edward. First I was confused about why I was suddenly feeling the emotions of others again, and then I was just angry; angry that I was in this situation, angry that my life seemed to be completely different now, but mostly angry that they had the audacity to pity me. "What the hell!" I yelled at the pair of them. "How does it seem right to pity me right now? I'm not some broken china doll or something dammit!"

"Bella, please don't be upset," Edward tried to soothe. "We don't see you as broken. We understand how upsetting this situation is, we both just felt bad about how uncomfortable you looked."

"He's telling the truth Bella," Jasper said in an even calming voice. "I could feel you growing uncomfortable and embarrassed, so of course Edward could hear that in my mind, and we both responded naturally to such a situation. Its only because we love you, and we want you to be happy."

"But pity?" I sighed, conceding that I probably over reacted. "Pity makes me really angry for some reason."

"It's perfectly okay love," Edward chimed in. "It's a crazy time right now, its hard to predict how you will react emotionally to things when your emotions are so taxed."

"So you think I'm crazy right now?" I asked petulantly.

"No that's not what I meant at all love," Edward said, the strain coming through in his voice. "I meant the situation that we currently find ourselves in is anything but normal. Your reaction to it however is entirely normal and to be expected."

"So you expect me to yell at you and be a complete whack job?" I cried, as the tears started to fall on their own accord.

"Bella, why don't you join me on the couch?" Jasper said calmly, and I vaguely registered him motioning with his head for Edward to leave the room.

I didn't pay much attention to anything other than that because I then felt the calming waves that Jasper was sending to me. I grabbed on to them like a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. I didn't seem to know my own mind right now. My emotions were changing faster than I could keep up with them, and I would take any relief I could get. I slumped onto the couch, and didn't try to stop my body as it leaned into Jasper. My entire side was touching his, and my head flopped onto his shoulder. I was certain this was the most contact I had allowed since the incident, and surprisingly I didn't want to crawl out of my skin. Maybe Jasper was altering that reaction as well…

"Everything is going to be ok Bella," Jasper said soothingly after folding his hands in his lap. "I can feel the emotional rollercoaster that you are on right now, and I just want you to know that it makes perfect sense. You've been through a very scary and disconcerting experience, and your mind is trying to find a way to cope with it."

"I hate it," I said heavily, the calming waves making me feel a little sleepy. "I want it to stop."

"It will with time." Jasper explained. "You're barely 24 hours out from when it happened. You just have to give it time. I'll be here to help you ride out the waves until then though."

"Thank you," I whispered against his shoulder, feeling sleep start to take me.

"I know that you came to talk to me about something else, and I will still be here to talk about it when you wake up." Jasper said softly.

"Why am I so sleepy I just got out of bed a few hours ago." I said so low I didn't even hear it, but I was sure Jasper had.

"Firstly I doubt you slept that well, " Jasper said. "And secondly I sent a pretty heavy wave of calm; it seems to have wiped you out. Its probably best if you rest for awhile before we talk anyway."

And that was all it took to convince me. I drifted to sleep against Jasper's shoulder, with only one thought of guilt that it wasn't Edward before the world was gone. My sleep was a dark dreamless sleep, and I was grateful if not certain that it was Jasper's doing.

When I woke up the light of the sun still seemed somewhat low in the sky. I checked my watch, and was glad to see I had only slept for two hours. I sat up, and saw that Jasper was still sitting dutifully at my side. He gave me a small smile that I gladly returned.

"Thank you Jasper," I said the smile evident in my voice.

"You're welcome Bella," Jasper said kindly. "Could I ask you a question?"

"Shoot." I prodded.

"Why did you feel guilty before you fell asleep?" Jasper said with curiosity evident on his face.

"Because I was allowing you to be in physical contact with me. I haven't been able to do that with Edward yet, and it seemed unfair. Like I was cheating him somehow." I explained.

"Oh," Jasper said thoughtfully. "I think you were able to touch me without much thought due to how much calm emotion I was dumping on you. I was making you so tired and worry free that you probably could have fallen asleep on Mike Newton without giving it thought."

We both laughed at that. It felt good to laugh. I would always be grateful to all of the Cullens for being able to make me laugh today. I certainly needed it.

"So, shall we talk about the reason you came to see me today?" Jasper redirected the conversation.

"I suppose we should," I said with a small smile. "I'm assuming Alice told you already, but even so you saw a display of it earlier as well. For some reason I can feel the emotions of others now. Its not all the time though."

"Yes Alice did tell me, and of course I picked up on that earlier." Jasper said. "Have you noticed any themes to it? Like you hear the emotions at certain times, or while you are feeling a certain way?"

"Well, I heard them earlier when I was feeling out of my element." I thought out loud. "And last night when I was first hearing them I certainly wasn't in my element. Maybe I only hear them when I am uncomfortable?"

"Perhaps." Jasper said. "Would you say that you felt unsafe during the two occasions?"

"Well I didn't feel outright fear," I said after giving it some thought. "I think there has been a base fear of the unknown, but mostly I just feel lost and confused."

"I think that is a very astute summary of your emotional state Bella," Jasper said with a small smile. "It seems to me that this is some sort of defense mechanism. I can't say why exactly your mind has made the change, but it seems to still be related to your shield. I understand that Edward has been able to hear you occasionally, and it seems he can only hear you when you are hearing the emotions of others. I believe that there is a shift in your mental shield when this happens. You kind of throw it out around you when you hear the emotions, and since it is off of you, Edward is no longer blocked from hearing you."

"I guess that kind of makes sense." I agreed. "How can I be doing that without meaning to though?"

"That is a good question." Jasper hedged. "It could be just an instinct for you. I wonder what it will be like after you make the change, with your power being manifested already."

"That's a scary thought," Edward chuckled as he descended the stairs. "She could be a stronger empath than you Jasper."

"It's a distinct possibility." Jasper smiled. "It might be nice to have someone to shoulder all the emotions in the crazy house with me though."

"I guess we will find out soon won't we?" I said, not exactly sure how I felt about it.


	12. Chapter 12

"You sound apprehensive," Jasper prodded.

"I guess everything seems a little scarier to me today," I hedged. "I know I want to marry Edward, and I still want to be with everyone in the family forever, but thinking about how I get their just makes me nervous today."

"I think that's fair," Edward said with what appeared to be a false calm. "There will be an adjustment period I'm sure."

"Edward I'm happy that you are trying to be so understanding," I interjected. "But it's ok to be upset. I feel like you're trying to pretend you aren't for my sake, and that's honestly not helping either of us."

"We're both prone to quick emotional shifts right now Bella, I shudder to think what kind of argument we might have at this time if I am not keeping my emotions in check." Edward admitted honestly.

"So we fight then," I huffed. "I would have a fight with you that's honest and real, than have the new foundation of our relationship be built on half truths."

I noticed Jasper slipping out of the room from the corner of my eye, while I watched Edward wrestle with what I had just said. I knew it was going against his old fashioned nature to be accepting of a fight with his loved ones. Not to mention that women during his youth never would have said something as bold. He seemed to final make a decision before his eyes met mine.

"Fine, if that's what you want I can agree to it." Edward said calmly. "If we fight we fight."

"Good." I smiled. "So how do you actually feel about all my sudden fears?"

"They scare me," Edward admitted somewhat reluctantly. "I find myself oscillating between fear that you won't want a part of this anymore, and anger that you have been drastically changed by the actions of stupid people."

"People," I interrupted. "I thought we agreed we would be leaving Lauren and Jessica's actions out of this?"

"I agreed to support you in your legal decision not to include them," Edward clarified. "But you admitted yourself that you wouldn't have ended up in the situation you were in if they hadn't given you GHB."

"Regardless, they didn't have evil intentions. " I chided. "And in Jessica's defense Lauren didn't actually tell Jessica that it was GHB until after they saw you carrying me out of the club."

"You don't know that for sure Bella," Edward groaned.

"Not to mention that Lauren was horrified by the turn of events," I spoke over Edward. "She honestly wanted me to have a good time. The only problem there was that she doesn't know me well enough to know that I could have had fun on my own."

"How does that make it ok for her to make the assumption that drugging you is the only answer?" Edward snapped, starting to loose his cool.

"It doesn't," I admitted readily. "But we all make poor choices from time to time. Sometimes those choices drastically change our lives or the lives of others. Does that mean that we should be tossed out as a human being?"

"She doesn't have to be tossed out by everyone, but she also doesn't need to become more included in your life through her actions either." Edward said.

"Well so far I haven't included her more, so you shouldn't be upset in the first place," I snapped. "But I do want too go see Lauren and really hash out this situation. Lauren not knowing me well enough caused this problem, but I don't know her well enough either."

"So what does that mean exactly," Edward growled. "Are you going to be spending all your time with Lauren?"

"No Edward!" I shouted. "I am, however, going to head over there today to see her, and yes I will be going alone."

"Fine," Edward shouted, causing me to jump, but he said nothing else knowing this argument wasn't going to end differently by continuing it.

"Fine," I said softly, feeling a bit remorseful now that the fight had ended. "May I borrow the Volvo, or at least get a ride back to my truck?"

"You can use the Volvo, let me grab the keys off of my bedside table," Edward said softly, the anger disappearing just as quickly from his voice. "I'll be right back."

I only had to wait three seconds before he appeared in front of me in a flash with the keys waiting in his outstretched hand. I reached out to take them, but I felt guilty to be leaving so quickly after one of our only fights. I felt that I needed to do something to make the situation better, and the first thing that occurred to me was to give him a kiss to show that I still cared for him. I knew that it would be difficult, and there was a large chance that I would flinch during it and destroy everything, but I felt I had to try.

"I love you Edward, and I am sorry that we fought," I said softly as I approached him. I lost my nerve at the last moment and only kissed him on the cheek, but his eyes still lit up so it was worth it.

"I love you too Bella, drive safely ok?" Edward said with nothing but love and concern shinning from his eyes.

"I will. I'll see you later." I sighed as I turned to leave.

"Goodbye." Edward said somewhat wistfully from behind me.

I hopped into the Volvo and drove slowly out of the long Cullen driveway. I had already hit the city limits before I realized I didn't actually know where Lauren lived. I dug my cell phone out of my pocket trying to keep my eyes on the road. I quickly found Lauren's name in my contact list and then went back to focusing on my driving while I waited for her to pick up.

"Hello?" Lauren's voice answered.

"Hey Lauren," I said shyly. "I was wondering if I could come over to talk for a little while."

"Uh, sure," Lauren said sounding confused and maybe a little nervous. "When do you want to come over?"

"I was hoping to come over now, but I don't remember what your address is." I said hearing the nerves in my own voice.

"Oh ok." Lauren chirped. "I just live at the end of the cul-de-sac by the dinner."

"Alright, cool," I said excitedly picking up on her energy. "I'm a couple minutes out, see you soon."

"Ok, see you soon." Lauren said before the line went dead.

I pulled into the cul-de-sac, and I drove towards the house on the end. I could tell it was Lauren's because her Saab was parked by the curb. I was actually a bit surprised by the house that I saw. I knew that Lauren had four brothers, but the house didn't look like it could fit a family of that size. I had known that her family wasn't well to do, and that was why she truly needed the scholarship she had earned for college, but I hadn't realized how much they were struggling. It looked like the house couldn't have more than two bedrooms, and the siding and the lawn looked very disheveled.

I parked the Volvo behind the van, and slid gently out of the car. Lauren was already hurrying off the porch to meet me. She seemed fairly happy, but I could see the worry lines around her eyes and I realized she was worried that I would judge her because of her home. I made a point to give her a big smile as I walked over to join her.

"Hey, thanks for letting me come over." I said as I came to a stop in front of her.

"It's the least I could do, after last night." Lauren gushed. "I am so sorry Bella."

"Water under a bridge," I said as I held up my hand to stop her. "What happened wasn't your fault. I did need to speak to you about it while I'm here though."

"Ok," Lauren said quick to agree. "Do you want to com inside?"

"I'd love to." I agreed and followed her into the house. "Is your family home?"

"No, my mom took the boys to some boy scout camping trip in the woods." Lauren said. "She isn't actually a den mother, but she doesn't like to let them go on their own."

"Oh," I nodded, remembering a reference Charlie had made once to Mrs. Mallory stretching beyond her means to try to convince her children they didn't have money problems. She was a good mom, who tried really hard. "So you're home alone tonight?"

"Not exactly," Lauren hedged. "I planned a party for tonight about a week ago. Everyone is still planning on coming, you could come if you want, but I would totally understand if you didn't want anything to do with it."

"Oh, that sounds like fun." I smiled. "Maybe I will think about it."

"Cool," Lauren said with a nervous giggle.

"So the first thing I wanted to cover with you, is that I am not including the GHB in the police report." I said as we sat down on the living room couch. "Carlisle said it had been a long enough period of time that it won't show up on the toxicology report anyway, and that if traces did the prosecution would assume the ruphies had been cut with it."

"Bella, you really didn't have to do that." Lauren said while staring at her hands in her lap. "I deserve legal repercussions for my actions."

"Lauren it was a mistake, that I don't believe you made with evil intentions, I don't feel that merits the destruction of your future." I explained.

"It probably wouldn't have destroyed it," Lauren said, but we both knew she didn't believe that.

"I would have hated for you to lose your scholarship over something so stupid." I said. "You've got a real chance to get out of this town and make a life for yourself, I won't be the one responsible for taking that from you."

"You wouldn't have been the one responsible, but I am thankful for your decision none the less." Lauren said gratefully.

"The other thing I wanted to talk about is why you did it." I said quietly. "I don't understand why you think I am so uptight."

"Well, it's just that you are the police chief's daughter," Lauren hedged. "And then you are always with the Cullens always acting so responsible. I didn't think you would be able to just let loose and have fun with us."

"I am both of those things Lauren, but I am also 18 years old." I said calmly. "I really am capable of letting go of the responsible nature and just letting everything go. Did I ever tell you about the time I went cliff diving?"

"No!" Lauren nearly shouted. "Oh my gosh, was it terrifying?"

"It wasn't actually.," I said replaying the memory in my mind, feeling surprised at how nostalgic it made me all things considered. "The moments leading up to actually jumping were intense, but when I actually fell through the air it was exhilarating and amazing."

"Wow, way to go Swan," Lauren said in awe.

"It was pretty awesome, but it was also incredibly stupid." I explained, needing to be as honest as possible. "I jumped from an unsafe height, by myself, in stormy waters. I nearly drowned."

"Ooh, that's not good." Lauren agreed.

"But now can't we agree that I can be carefree enough to have fun, and stupid enough to get myself into bad situations without any help from others?"

"Yeah, I guess so," Lauren said thoughtfully. "Just to make sure I've gotten through though, I'm really sorry for everything that happened last night."

"I forgive you. Now we just both need to move on," I said softly.

"Ok." Lauren said. "Do you want to stay for the party? It'll start in an hour or so. We could listen to music and just goof around while we wait for people to show up."

"Alright, a party might be fun to get my mind off of other stuff." I conceded. "Do you need help setting up, or for me to pick up any chips or something."

"Actually we could go on an ice run if you want." Lauren said thoughtfully. "The guys are bringing the drinks, but ice would be a good thing, nothing tastes worse than a warm beer."

I felt slightly nauseous as we headed out to the car when I realized what kind of party this would be. Then I felt stupid for not knowing what she meant. And then I said to hell with it. What would get my mind off of my troubles more than being so drunk I couldn't think of anything? I suddenly had a new goal for the evening, and there was a huge piece of me hoping that Alice wasn't paying attention, or that she would at least keep her mouth shut.


	13. Chapter 13

Lauren and I hopped into her Saab, and drove to the gas station on the edge of town to grab a couple bags of ice from the giant freezer outside. There was something charming about seeing that ice freezer, which could be seen at any gas station in any state. It made Forks seem a little less like some Podunk town no one had heard of. We paid for the ice, and hurried back to her house. I found myself feeling surprisingly carefree. Even for normal Bella, let alone the Bella I had become in the last 24 hours. I still knew in the back of my mind how I was feeling; yet I didn't care. I didn't want to care anymore about anything.

When we got back to the house Jessica was waiting next to her Prius in the driveway. She seemed shocked to see me, but I saw her immediately work to shake the look from her face after looking at Lauren. I briefly wondered what kind of face Lauren had made at her, but then I decided I didn't care about that either.

Jessica helped us pack the ice into the kitchen and dump it into two giant metal tubs that I could have sworn I had seen a crappy college party movie the other day on TNT. I chuckled a little to myself at then one before I started helping stack red cups on the table while Lauren dug out napkins.

"So when do you expect people to start showing up," I asked nonchalantly as I stacked the last of the cups and tossed the plastic packaging in the trash.

"Well Mike and Tyler should be here in a few minutes with music and some snacks," Jessica said from somewhere in the living room doing god knows what.

"The rest of the guests should start arriving shortly after that." Lauren said over her shoulder as she headed into the living room.

"Who all is coming?" I asked as I followed her into the living room.

When I got in the room I saw what Jessica had been working on. She had a big box and she was carefully putting all of the family photos and any breakable knick-knacks into it to move them out of harms way. I quickly unplugged a glass table lamp and brought it over to the box.

"Well there's Tyler and Mike of course," Lauren started. "We invited Ben and Angela, but we aren't sure if they will actually come what with Angela being the preachers daughter and all."

"Then there's Eric and a couple guys he plays lacrosse with at the Port Angeles gym every other week." Jessica interjected. "We don't really know them, but Eric says their cool, and they don't mess around with anything to dangerous or anything."

"I invited Tiffany and Erin from the girls basketball team, but they never gave me a definite answer." Lauren said. "And that's everyone, though we are sort of expecting your boy to crash when he realizes you're here."

"Why?" I said hoping they didn't know how easily he could find out about it. "Its not like I'm calling him to tell him my plans for tonight."

"The Cullens always seem to find these things out," Jessica giggled. "And I don't think they really approve. Besides Edward must be feeling awfully protective of your right now, he's bound to come looking eventually."

"Maybe," I hedged. "And maybe not, we had a bit of a row this morning."

"Wow, really," Lauren gasped. "You guys are like the perfect couple, I just kind of thought you never fought."

"We don't usually," I conceded. "Tensions are running a little high today though. Which is why I am so excited to let those tensions go!"

"Hear hear sister," Jessica cheered. "Tonight's all about forgetting our troubles and just having a blast."

That's when Tyler and Mike arrived, so we got to work helping them set up the sound system and put the food in the kitchen. They had brought a couple of bags of chips and some dip. I wasn't sure what I had been expecting but I somehow found myself disappointed in that.

We had just finished plugging everything in, and had started playing some music when Eric came in with his Port Angeles friends. I immediately understood why Lauren had been cool with them coming, they were supplying the alcohol. It looked like the tallest of the group was over 21 and the rest seemed to be closer to our age. I saw Lauren slip the tall guy some cash for the alcohol while I helped cram beers and hard lemonade type drinks into the ice buckets. It looked like they had provided some vodka as well, but I didn't see anything to mix it with, so I wasn't certain how many people would actually drink it.

Before long the house was bumping. All of the guests had arrived, but Lauren had been right in her assumption that Angela and Ben wouldn't make it. I couldn't blame the girl though; her father would loose it if her found out she were here. People were dancing in the living room, each holding their own drink, but I was a bit nauseated over the thought of dancing so I kept to the kitchen. When it didn't seem I was going to be able to calm my nerves I said to hell with it and grabbed a hard berry drink from under the ice and started chugging it down.

I had never had alcohol before, but I had expected to be able to taste some sort of unpleasant taste. This drink just tasted like punch, and I was immediately in love. I quickly finished the bottle and grabbed another before heading into the living room. Some people were still dancing, but it looked like Lauren, Mike, Jessica, and Tyler were sitting down to play a card game. I walked over and sat down on the floor by the coffee table they were at.

"Bella, where have you been?" Jessica yelled. I noticed her cheeks were flushed and she wasn't focusing completely on me, and then I realized she had already had quite a bit to drink.

"I was in the kitchen, I am not ready for a dance party just yet," I called over the music.

"That's cool," Lauren said, pulling off the sober act a bit better, but still not fooling me. "You wanna play go fish?"

"Sure," I chuckled, I had expected some elaborate drinking game.

"Alright, its pretty straight forward," Mike explained as he set a bottle of vodka and five shot glasses on the table. "You play like you did when you were a kid, only if you get told go fish you take a shot. Last player to get rid of their hand takes three shots."

"Ahh, ok." I said, my stomach sinking slightly as I realized how frequently a person could be taking a shot.

"So who wants to deal?" Mike said producing a deck of cards from his pocket.

"I nominate Bella because she is the most sober at the table," Tyler chuckled before leaning in to sniff Lauren's hair.

"Ok." I said. "Sounds fine to me."

I took the deck and quickly shuffled before dealing seven cards to everyone. I stifled a groan when I saw I was starting the game without any pairs in my hand, and I was the only player in such a predicament. Lauren went first, and Tyler told her to go fish, so she took a shot. Her face afterwards was honestly priceless, but I was sure I wouldn't be laughing once it was my turn. Within a few minutes I got to find out. At first I was lucky I asked Mike for and 8 and I got it. Then I asked Jessica for a queen and she had one. But when I asked Lauren for a 2, it was my turn to take a shot. I was feeling pretty nervous as Mike poured it for me and slid the shot glass across the table, but I threw it back like I had watched the others do, and while I felt the burn as it went down I found I sort of enjoyed it. The taste wasn't the greatest so I quickly followed it with a small drink from my berry cooler.

"Well well, Swan looks like a pro," Mike cackled. "You can't tell me that was your first shot girl."

"It was actually," I giggled, feeling heat rise into my cheeks. "I just copied what everyone else did."

"Go fish, follow the leader, who really cares what we're playing." Jessica laughed leaning back into Mike and letting her eyes drift closed until it was her turn.

After 20 minutes of game play I had chased another 6 shots with my berry cooler before loosing count of the number I was on, and then it was gone. I was thinking about going to the kitchen to get a new one, but when I turned out towards the living room and saw everyone dancing, it suddenly seemed like the best idea in the world.

"I wanna dance," I all but screamed at Jessica, before I started laughing.

"What's so funny?" she slurred as she tried to focus on me.

"I just realized I don't actually know how to dance." I laughed some more.

"I don't know you weren't so bad at the club," Lauren said before immediately shutting up and starting to look pale.

"Well I had help from my girls didn't I?" I said with a smile.

"I have the perfect song for you to dance to Bella," Tyler said while pulling himself up. He stumbled a bit walking, but he came over and helped me up so I could walk over to the stereo with him. I noticed my legs felt like they were made of jelly, but I seemed to be able to walk okay so I ignored it.

"Alright, its called the Cha Cha Slide. Just listen to what the singer is saying, he tells you how to do the dance." Tyler said as he began digging though his cds. "Its literally the perfect drunk dancing song. Unless of course you are to drunk to move your legs, but you aren't so we're good."

"Ok," I giggled. "Sounds fun."

"Sweet, go out to the open space away from the table just in case you trip or something," Tyler chuckled remembering my klutziness. "I'll start it in a second."

I walked out to an open piece of carpet and waited patiently. It wasn't long before I heard the song beginning and some guy talking about being funky. I found that pretty funny. After he started calling out the steps though, I didn't have time to think about if he was funny or not.

To the left, take it back now ya'll  
1 hop this time, right foot let's stomp  
Left foot let's stomp, Cha Cha real smooth

Turn it down, to the left  
Take it back now ya'll  
1 hop this time, right foot let's stomp  
Left foot let's stomp, Cha Cha now ya'll

Now it's time to get funky  
To the right now, to the left  
Take it back now ya'll  
1 hop this time, 1 hop this time  
Right foot 2 stomps, left foot 2 stomps  
Slide to the left, slide to the right  
Criscross, criscross  
Cha Cha real smooth

Let's go to work  
To the left, take it back now ya'll  
2 hops this time, 2 hops this time  
Right foot 2 stomps, left foot 2 stomps  
Hands on your knees, hands on your knees  
Get funky with it, aahhhhhhhhhh yaaaa  
Come on, Cha Cha now ya'll

Turn it down, to the left  
Take it back now ya'll  
5 hops this time  
Right foot let's stomp, left foot let's stomp  
Right foot again, left foot again  
Right foot let's stomp, left foot let's stomp

Freeze, Everybody Clap yo hands  
Come on ya'll, check it out  
How low can you go?  
Can you go down low?  
All the way to da floor?  
How low can you go?  
Can you bring it to the top?  
Like it never never stop?  
Can you bring it to the top?  
1 hop, right foot now  
Left foot now ya'll  
Cha Cha real smooth

Turn it down, to the left  
Take it back now ya'll  
1 hop this time,1 hop this time  
Reverse, Reverse  
Slide to the left, slide to the right  
Reverse Reverse, reverse reverse  
Cha Cha now ya'll  
Cha Cha again  
Cha Cha now ya'll  
Cha Cha again  
Turn it down

To the left, that it back now ya'll  
2 hops 2 hops, 2 hops 2 hops  
Right foot let's stomp, left foot let's stomp  
Charlie Brown, hop it out now  
Slide to the right, slide to the left  
Take it back now ya'll  
Cha Cha now ya'll

Turn it down  
To the left, take it back now ya'll  
3 hops this time  
Right foot now, left foot now ya'll  
Cha Cha it out  
Turn it down

To the right, to the right ya'll  
To the left, take it back now ya'll  
4 hops this time  
Right foot now now ya'll, left foot now ya'll  
Cha Cha now ya'll  
Cha Cha again, Cha Cha again

Turn it down  
Take it back now ya'll  
Right foot let's stomp, left foot let's stomp  
6 hops this time  
Right foot let's stomp, left foot let's stomp  
Right foot 2 stomps, Left foot 2 stomps  
Criscross, Criscross  
Slide to the left, Slide to the right  
Let me hear you clap yo hands  
Cha Cha now, Cha Cha again

Turn it down  
To the left, take it back now ya'll  
2 hops 2 hops, 2 hops 2 hops  
Right foot 2 stomps, left foot 2 stomps  
Hands on your knees, hands on your knees  
Aahhhh yaaaa, get funky with it  
Get down now ya'll,  
Come on, come on  
Cha Cha now ya'll  
Let's go to work

When the song was over I was sweating and breathing heavily. It had been surprisingly hard to keep up with him. I was shocked that I had done it, but I was more shocked by what I was seeing. A less than pleased Edward was leaning against the doorway from the kitchen watching me. He didn't appear to be amused with my dance moves.

"Hey Edward," I giggled hoping I could change his mood.

"Bella," he said in a warning tone. "I think maybe its time to go home."

"Don't be such a party pooper," I grumbled, intending to walk over and poke him, but only managing to trip over my own feet and end up sprawled on the living room floor. "Oopsie."

"Oopsie doesn't quite cover it," Edward said softly as he held out his hand for me to take. "How much have you had to drink?"

"I don't know." I giggled, finding some humor in my inability to remember the number of shots. "I had to berry coolers, and at least 6 shots, but I lost count after that."

I could hear Edward stifling a growl, as he turned to face Mike who was still holding the vodka bottle. Mike looked like he might wet himself, so I was guessing that Edward looked pretty angry. Edward lightly put his arm around my shoulder so he could walk us towards Mike, and seemed very surprised when I leaned into him even more. I found that I could care less at this point.

"Is it vodka that she had shots of?" Edward said in the all to smooth voice I recognized as he controlled anger.

"Yes," Mike said stiffly.

"How many did she have?" Edward continued his interrogation.

"I think she had a total of 9." Mike said looking like he might cry.

"In the course of how much time?" Edward continued, the anger starting to slip through a little more.

"About half and hour I guess." Mike said looking down at the floor,

"Thanks for your honesty, we will be leaving now," Edward said curtly as he began pulling me towards the kitchen.

"I don't want to leave," I whined, trying and failing to drag my feet.

"I'm sure you don't," Edward growled before his voice softened. "But you are about to be very ill, and I'm sure you don't want to defile Lauren's carpet."

"Sure," was all I said as I let him drag me out of the house.

We had almost made it to the Volvo when I discovered that Edward was right. I crumpled towards the grass retching. Edward held most of my weight while pulling my hair out of my face, and I found myself wondering how he could stand to look at me right now. Not to mention how bad this must smell to his superior nostrils. He helped me to lower myself gently to my knees while I finished with being sick, and then he rubbed soothing circles on my back when I had finished. That's when I started to cry.

"I'm sorry Edward," I choked out. "This was a stupid idea."

"Shh Bella," Edward soothed. "We can talk about with when you are feeling better. Lets get you home and get some water in you. Charlie thinks your sleeping over with Alice."


	14. Chapter 14

It was like wading through a thick fog to find the living world when the morning rolled around. It felt as if someone has super glued my eyes closed while I had been sleeping, and it was a struggle to get them open. When I finally got them open, I immediately snapped them shut to run away from the blinding pain. Someone had obviously tampered with the sun this morning, turning it up far brighter than it should be, and my eyes felt as if they were made of glass and ready to shatter. My head throbbed in a sickening manner, and before I knew it I was flying out of bed and careening blindly towards Edward's little bathroom before I defiled his floor for the second time in a short amount of time.

I made it just in the nick of time, but to my dismay Edward was quick on my heels. I tried to push him away as I dropped to my knees but I might as well have pushed on the foundation of the house for how far I moved him. I quickly forgot about him as I rid myself of the contents of my stomach, but I became aware of his presence again as I felt him pull my hair back out of my way. As gross as it was to have him in the room right then, I was grateful for his presence.

When I was finished I slumped against the toilet, and Edward reached past me to flush it for me while continuing to rub my back with his other hand. He murmured soft words that I couldn't really understand, but I was just glad that his voice was too low to cause my head to throb again. After a few minutes I slowly climbed up to my feet and went to the sink to splash some water on my face, and to brush my teeth. I felt a little better after that, but I wasn't ready to be up for the day. I twisted my hair up into a bun, and went back to the bedroom to lie down.

Edward joined me, pulling me close to his body, soothing me with his coolness, but I knew a conversation about my behavior was going to happen. I was dreading it, but he was in the right to question what I had done. It was very out of character for me after all.

"I know you are disappointed in me," I said to Edward, shocked at just how gravelly my voice was this morning. I sounded exactly like a man.

"I won't hold it against you," Edward said quietly into my shoulder, "But I don't understand why you did that last night."

"At first it was just on a whim," I whispered back. "I was just spending time with the girls, but soon I realized that the alcohol dulled my senses. I stopped being able to feel what other people were feeling. Then I couldn't stop, it was like magic to force all of those feelings away, my own included."

"Jasper could have helped you with that," Edward said with traces of sadness in his voice. "Those emotions could have been dulled without poisoning your body."

"You act like I caused permanent damage or something," I laughed, but then quickly stopped when it made my head throb again.

"I rest my case on that alone Bella," Edward said firmly. "You can't even laugh without hurting yourself this morning. And as to permanent damage, you killed brain cells last night., not enough to severely lower your intelligence, but you still can't get them back."

"Edward I understand your being disappointed," I sighed, realizing he wasn't entirely wrong with his side of this argument. "But I can't deal with the emotions constantly. I need the occasional break."

"And we can get that for you," he whispered. "But please don't seek it in a drug next time."

"I forget that you lived through the prohibition," I laughed again, and felt tears burning my eyes as my head throbbed due to the laughter. "But seriously, I will try to do what you ask. Besides spending time with Jessica and Lauren only seems to get me into trouble."

"Its only a bad run of luck I think," Edward said with a smile in his voice. "But maybe for now its better not to see them.

-

--

-

I would have been content to just lay with Edward all day, but Alice seemed to have other plans. After about an hour she came bounding into the room with a bottle of water in one hand and Tylenol in the other. She was her usual chirpy self, and I could tell just by looking that I wasn't going to win an argument with her.

"Rise and shine Bella, we have quite a bit to take care of today," Alice danced over pulling on my arm to get me out of bed. "The wedding is in hardly no time at all."

I groaned at her, and tried to cling to Edward, but it was no use. I could never beat her strength. Sadly Edward wasn't helping me, but just laughing at my futile attempts to stay in bed. Within a few seconds Alice had pulled me from the bed, and I was begrudgingly following her to her room as she called over her shoulder for Edward to go listen to someone else's mind so he couldn't see the dress before the wedding.

"Alright Bella, go into the closet and put the dress on so I can see if it needs to be repined," Alice chirped, and I was thankful since she would have usually just pulled the dress on to me by herself.

I quickly did as I was told, luxuriating in the feel of satin against my skin. I walked slowly out into the bedroom again, trying not to trip over anything in Alice's overstuffed closet. Alice was waiting for me calmly by the be, so I walked over to her, and closed my eyes trying to think of something enjoyable while she went to work.

"We are going to have to watch and make sure your eating enough between now and the wedding Bella," Alice chided. "I have to take in the waist of your dress again."

I jut sighed at her. I wasn't really sure what to say to that. It wasn't like I had made some active choice to loose weight; it just seemed to be happening. Alice went back to her work without saying anything else, and for a few minutes I thought I might actually get away with not speaking for the rest of this ordeal.

"So are you ready for Graduation in a few days?" Alice said, and after she didn't receive a response from me she continued on, "It should be a fairly short ceremony since Edward opted not to give a speech as valedictorian."

"I don't see why he doesn't give one," I sighed. "Not that I mind having a short ceremony."

"Edward's very smart," Alice giggled. "I suppose over the years he has grown tired of giving that speech at graduation. I believe he has been valedictorian at least 7 times now."

"Oh," I said quietly, I was feeling even more insignificant now. I quickly felt pity course through me, and I groaned when I realized I had just felt an emotion rolling off of Alice rather than my own.

Alice seemed to understand what happened and quickly forced herself to have happy emotions, for which I was grateful. She asked if I needed Jasper to come up, and when I said no she went back to quietly pinning the hem, somehow the dress seemed to have gotten to long for me again. I let my eyes drift closed and thought only of all the different ways Alice might choose to decorate for the wedding. I was very glad that she had taken over dealing with all the arrangements because I wanted to nothing to do with it. My mind began to wander to the deal Edward and I had made about the honeymoon and my stomach rolled. Would I ever want that from him now? I wasn't sure.

"Bella, you have to tell me if you are going to be sick," Alice said from my feet. "I can have you out of the dress quickly so it isn't ruined, but you have to say something."

"I'm fine Alice," I growled at her, wishing she didn't have such good hearing.

"Okay," Alice said trying to placate me before moving on. "Are you ready for the trial in a few days?"

"The trial is going to be held that quickly?" I gasped.

"It looks like it." She said. "The defense attorney requested a quick trial, and the prosecution accepted since they have all the evidence they need. Your testimony will seal the deal of course."

"My testimony?" I gasped. "Who said I was testifying?"

"Well of course you are," Alice said in shock. "You're kind of the key witness Bella."

"Alice I can't handle something like that," I said quietly staring down at her while she put in the last pin.

"Bella, you have to testify against him," Edward said, and I turned to see him standing in the doorway. "He could get off without a statement from you, simply because his attorney would argue that he was not able to confront his accuser."

"I understand that, but I can't do it." I sighed. "I can't look at him, I can't deal with all the emotions that will be present in that little room, but most of all I can't stand up in front of the people that I know and love and talk about what happened that night. I just can't."

"I understand that would be a hard experience to endure," Edward said in a forced calm. "But wouldn't it be harder to live with your attacker being found innocent."

"The evidence speaks for itself," I said sadly. "You know what defense attorneys do to victims get on the stand. Are you telling me you want me to go through that?"

"I don't _want_ you to go through anything painful, but I also don't want you to ever have to deal with running into that man on the street or something either." Edward said softly. "Your testimony is the only thing that can truly guarantee his conviction."

"There might be another way," Alice said from her perch on the edge of the bed as she stared off into space. "It looks like she could write her testimony in a letter, the defense attorney will argue that its unfair and try to have it dismissed, but the judge will over rule his objection stating that the letter is meant to spare the witness duress."

"Are you sure it will work?" Edward said, giving Alice his full attention.

"Fairly sure," Alice said, jumping off her bed and hurrying over to her desk to grab a legal pad and a pen. "Here Bella, if you write it out on here I will type it up for you and send it to the attorney's office in the morning."

"Okay," I whispered not quite sure if I could handle even this. "Could someone get Jasper for me?"

"I'll go get him," Edward said, and he sounded sad. I realized then he felt incompetent because I was leaning on Jasper instead of him.

"Thank you," I whispered trying to let my love for him feel my voice so he wouldn't take this personally.

I only had to wait a few seconds before Jasper was walking calmly into the room. I gave him a thankful nod and headed over to the desk to set to work. I put pen to paper and began to recount everything that had happened that night. Every time I would feel the emotions starting to take me, another wave of calm would wash over me and I would find myself even more thankful for Jasper. When I reached the last part I became so distraught he had to hold onto my arm to make his influence get through to me. By the time I was finishing the letter he was nearly putting me to sleep trying to keep my panicked emotions under control.


	15. Chapter 15

Edward delivered the letter to the court since he had to give testimony that morning anyway. He asked if I wanted to know how my letter was received, but I wasn't interested. He left before closing arguments were given, but he told me the DA would probably be calling latter in the evening with results. He hadn't been wrong, around 8 that night the phone rang, and Edward let me know that before closing arguments could be delivered a plea bargain was struck and he would be admitting guilt but his jail sentence was being waved in place of a year of probation and 150 hours of community service. I felt like he wasn't even being punished, but glad that I hadn't testified since Edward's argument for it was my not having to see him again. Now even that the trial had taken place there was a chance I could see him. It wasn't likely though.

The last few days had flown by in a blur. I attended school, and I was vaguely aware of Jessica and Lauren trying to talk to me about the trial results, I guess they had been there, but I didn't really listen. I was thinking only about getting through my finals to graduate at the end of the week, and my wedding a week after that. Everything was flying by me, and I barely noticed my diploma being handed to me, and found myself utterly confused by all the golden graduation caps falling around me as I stared vaguely out at the crowd. I noticed Edward and Charlie both wanting to give me a hug, and tried not to notice that sad feelings that rippled off them when they couldn't do so.

It seemed that before I could blink it was the day of the wedding, and I was sitting in a chair in front of Alice's bathroom mirror. It felt as if I had just woken up from a strange dream. Like the last week or so hadn't been real. I turned to look at Alice and saw that she was talking to me, but it sounded more like a monologue, like she knew I wasn't listening to her, but her eyes lit up when she saw me looking at her.

"Hey there," she giggled. "You're awake now."

"Its funny that you say that, I was just thinking I feel like I've been in some strange dream." I sighed. "How long is it until the ceremony?"

"Its still a few hours yet," Alice answered. "And everyone understands your behavior lately, it's been a very stressful time."

"How is Edward?" I asked.

"He did alright during the whole dream like phase, he just missed you," Alice explained. "Now he is just feeling nervous now. He can't wait to see you at the alter, yet he is just about ready to jump out of his skin due to nerves."

"At least we feel the same way," I giggled.

Alice went back to work on my makeup and I started focusing on controlling my emotions. After a bit of time I realized that it wasn't just my emotions I was feeling. I felt a sad sense of loss that I eventually realized was Charlie, a bubbly excitement that I was fairly sure was Esme, and a vague annoyance that I was starting to think was Jasper. He was probably even more exhausted by constantly feeling the emotions of others.

Before I knew it Rosalie was in the bathroom helping Alice put my hair up. I couldn't help the jealousy that rolled off of me when she came in. She was already in her bridesmaid dress, and she looked absolutely gorgeous. How was anyone supposed to compare to her? I tried to shake it off, and Alice seemed to realize what I had been thinking and began telling me how pretty I looked. I tried not to think of it as patronizing.

-

--

--

-

The ceremony and reception flew by quickly. The kiss went all right, Edward's touch was light and he kept it short enough that I couldn't panic. I dance with both Edward and Charlie, as is customary but both kept a firm dancing frame and it stayed almost clinical and for that I was grateful. As the evening drew to a close and the guests started leaving the problem arose. Alice pulled me aside and said it was time to change for the flight. That pulled me up short.

"What flight?" I said turning from her grasp to look at Edward. "What flight Edward?"

"Let's talk inside," he said calmly sensing the rising panic in my voice.

I followed him in, and sat down at the table with him and Alice as indicated, but I felt myself panicking. Did Edward still think I was going through with the honeymoon? That wasn't still a desire of mine. I would give in willingly to his desires to keep me safe as he called it. I wouldn't push a physical relationship anymore.

"What flight Edward?" I asked again, trying to sound calm, as he sat down.

"The flight to the Caribbean," he said softly. "The flight to our honeymoon destination."

"I don't want a honeymoon anymore," I whispered. "I thought you would understand that."

"I understand that you don't want a honeymoon in the tradition sense," Edward explained. "But I don't think you should deprive yourself of the other experiences to be had on a Caribbean Island."

"What's the point Edward?" I growled. "I don't want to be seen in a swim suit, I don't want to be touched, I don't want to be pushed into uncomfortable positions. So how would I enjoy a trip to the Caribbean?"

"Because its warm and sunny just like you love," Edward said, the ire starting to grow in his voice as I challenged. "We don't have to swim, I won't touch you, and quite frankly I can't think of any other uncomfortable situations we could run into there."

"What about the uncomfortable situation of you forcing me to do something I don't want to do?" I yelled at him. "That's an awfully familiar feeling Edward!"

"That's not fair Bella," Alice whispered before I could continue yelling.

"This is none of your business Alice!" I screeched. "This is between Edward and I, please leave."

"Fine," she said with a bit of steel in her voice as she stormed out of the room. I could feel the anger rolling off of her, but I didn't care.

"Edward I just want to get the change over with and be done with all this," I cried, feeling the angry tears start to brim. "And it would be even better if I forgot all of this crap during the change. Then we could just go back to how we used to be."

"Bella I think you need more time." Edward said quietly.

'Don't you dare. Don't even try to go back on your word Edward or so help me God I will drive to Charlie's and not come back," I whispered darkly. "I married you under the pretense that I would be changed. I love you with all my heart but I will not spend my life with a liar and a cheat."

"I am not lying or trying to treat Bella," Edward said angrily. "If I have to change you right now to prove so help me I will."

"Do it," I dared, pulling my hair off my neck and exposing my throat to him.

"No you don't Edward," Carlisle called from the doorframe. "This will happen, but not before we can set up an alibi for the family."

"Fine," I sighed. "But I am not going on a honeymoon."

"Understood," Carlisle said calmly. "The plan remains the same, you guys will appear to have flown out to the Caribbean, but you will actually fly to Alaska. Your plane will go down on the way to the Caribbean, and the bodies will be hard to identify but will be accepted as the two of you. We will stay for the proper mourning period, and then we will join you in Alaska to begin the change. Can everybody still agree to that?"

"Yes," I agreed readily, turning to look at Edward.

"I suppose," Edward said begrudgingly.

"Alright, you will fly out in the morning then." Carlisle sighed before turning to leave Edward and I alone.


	16. Chapter 16

We stayed in Edward's bedroom that night, but it was not the first night as a married couple most people would expect. Edward sat on the floor against the wall of windows. He probably would have been more comfortable at least against another wall, but if he moved to be furthest from the bed, he was then closest to the door giving the illusion that he was trapping me. If he by the wall the bed was against it appeared he was trying to get to close. If he moved against the wall by the closet, it appeared he was blocking the bathroom. Half of this was due to my anxiety, but the other was due to his psychoanalysis of his own actions. Once settled, I hardly noticed him, I was to busy crying.

I cried because of his anguished. I cried to lament our lost honeymoon. I cried to lament my own _desire_ for said honeymoon. And I even cried because I was crying. It seemed so horribly unfair to be forced into this situation simply because I had made the choice to go out with Jessica and Lauren. I could find it in me, if I tried, to be angry at them for what happened, but I didn't try. Instead I felt guilty, because I had been with someone other than Edward. I felt used because I had my virtue stolen and was left to just assemble the pieces of me that remain. I felt loss for the virtue that would never be returned to me. And I felt separation due to the mile wide chasm that had formed between my now husband and myself. We had always been so separate, but like he had once said before the engagement that was the thing we had in common. Now we had nothing in common. This drove my desires to be changed forward at a more rapid speed. I needed something, anything to make us similar again.

I was just starting to fall asleep when the sun began to rise, and I could see the guilt marring Edward's face when he gently told me I needed to get ready for our flight. There was little preparation left, due to Alice. But I still needed a shower. He assured me I could sleep on the plane. He never spoke it, but I knew he was desperate for me to sleep once more before the change was initiated and I lost that privilege.

I rushed through the process of shower. I found that I was now uncomfortable seeing myself without clothing. I questioned my own feelings there, since it didn't make much sense to me, but at the same I couldn't shake the feeling. I threw on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt, which must have thoroughly frustrated Alice, because I could hear her frustrated sigh through the bathroom door and I didn't think she was in the room.

"Get over it," I muttered to myself before looking in the mirror. "And you… you stop being so rude to everyone."

On that not I turned on my heal and walked out of the bathroom. I grabbed my sneakers from under the bed and put them on before grabbing my jacket from the foot of the bed. It didn't look like Edward had moved away from the window, but I knew he had gotten the jacket out of my box of winter clothes that now resided in the Cullen attic.

I held my hand out to him, as a silent apology for last night, and he was at my side to quickly for me to see. We walked hand in hand down the stairs and straight out to the Volvo. I nodded to Carlisle and tried to force a smile, but I doubt it would have passed for one. The stress of what was happening was tangible around us. I assumed they would join us in Alaska in about two weeks, and I wasn't sure what Edward would do during our alone time.

"When does our flight leave?" I asked Edward as we pulled out of the driveway.

"It's scheduled for just over an hour from now, but it's a private flight, so we could alter it if its takes longer than that to drive to Port Angeles." Edward explained keeping his eyes on the road.

"It won't take longer than that," I said with a slightly hoarse giggle. "You drive like a maniac after all."

"That I do," he said with a nervous laugh. I could tell he didn't know how to handle my mercurial mood very well.

"So what are we going to do for the two weeks we are waiting on your family to come so we can start the change?" I asked quietly.

"Well, you can get to know the Denali clan better, and we can spend time together." Edward said calmly.

"I don't know that I want to spend much time with the Denali clan…" I whispered. "It's not that I don't like them, I just don't like being around people lately. Particularly new ones."

"We could stay at the families' cabin alone if you prefer." Edward said without a hint of surprise in his voice. "I don't think Denali clan will be offended."

"Okay. Will that bother the rest of the family?" I prodded, while feeling relief wash through me that I wouldn't have to be around people.

I had found lately that I didn't want to be around people because of the stress they caused me. I would feel stress over the thought that someone might touch me or brush up against me some how. I would feel stress that I was displeasing them in some way, because I just wasn't the girl they used to know, or whom they had been told about. But most of all, I felt stressed because I could feel or at least figure out what they were feeling. I don't know how Jasper does what he does, because it is too a much higher level than what I have been feeling and I can't even begin to deal with what I am feeling.

"I'm sure they will be fine with it," Edward said gently as he pulled to a stop at the airport. I didn't bother noting how obscenely fast we had gotten there. "Are you ready to board the plane?"

"Yes, lets get this show on the road," I said with the best chuckle I could muster. "I'm so ready for the freezing cold."

"Don't worry, I made sure there were lots of warm clothes packed for you, and I can build a mean fire." Edward said with a smile.

Without another word, Edward led me over to the plane. I held his hand until it was time to climb the stairs. I hurried up them, praying that I wouldn't trip, so he wouldn't have to catch me. When I went to sit in one of the few seats in the little plane, I saw that Edward was not with me. When I looked out the window, I saw that he was waving the flight attendant off and loading our luggage himself. That made me giggle a bit, he really was always a gentleman.

Once Edward had boarded, the doors were closed, and we quickly taxied down the runway and jumped off into flight. Once we were able to move about the cabin Edward put on some music and gave me a blanket and a pillow. It was obvious he could tell how tired I was, so I took it gratefully and gave him the best smile I could. It couldn't have been more than seconds after I snuggled into the seat that I fell asleep.

EPOV

Bella actually looked peaceful as she rested on the flight up to Alaska. I was relieved to see her face worry line free while she slept for the first time in days. I couldn't know for sure since I couldn't see into her mind, but I was fairly certain that she was having pleasant dreams based on her peaceful face, and even breathing. She wasn't even perspiring this time, which had become a nightly ritual due to all her stressful dreams.

I settled into my seat to just listen to the music and wait for the flight to be over. I was trying not to think about how the current song, _Sullen Girl_ by Fiona Apple, coming through the speakers sounded like the perfect song for Bella right now. I was just listening to the line about taking flight, when I noticed I wasn't seeing the plane cabin anymore. It had faded out around me, and I instead seemed to be in some strange dream world.

_The entire world appeared to be made out of paint. I was standing in blue waves of paint that were breaking on the speckled sandy beach painted in hues of yellow and tan. Next to me, not made of paint at all, was my beautiful Bella, trying to hide in the rolling waves of paint. Just her nose and eyes were above the paint, yet somehow I could see that she was wearing a white summer dress and no shoes through the paint. She seemed calmed by the waves, but then I saw what she was watching on the shore, and felt her fear and pain. There was what used to be painted man on the beach. He had been smeared so his face could not be made out, and I somehow knew this was the man who had raped her. He was wreaking havoc on her beach. Kicking up the sand, and throwing shells at the trees. He broke open every oyster to steal the pearls, and that was when I realized that the song must be influencing her dream, because the actions seemed to be fitting the lyrics, with a uniquely Bella twist to it._

My vision slowly came back into focus, and I realized I was hearing the last few bars of the song. I wasn't sure how I had been pulled into Bella's dream with such strength, but I was glad to have a better picture of what was going on in her head. I wished even more that she had let me take her on our honeymoon, because the ocean seemed so calming to her in the dream. Perhaps after he change she would let me take her. I want only to heal her, but I don't think she can see that.


	17. Chapter 17

When I woke up I knew almost immediately that the plane had landed. Edward was standing up and moving towards me, so I was fairly sure we had just landed, which was a relief to me. I quickly smoothed out my hair and wiped the sleep from my eyes, before unlocking the seat belt and standing to smooth my clothes. I had the strangest dream while I was sleeping, but now that I was awake I felt even stranger. I felt almost normal, which in itself was a very weird feeling.

"Hello sleepy head," Edward said while throwing me one of his crooked grins. "You're chariot awaits."

I reached out for his hand and gave him a smile as a response and then let him lead me out of the plane cabin. I almost fell down the cold metal stairs but Edward caught me. My heart spiked for a moment, but then settled itself when I looked into his smooth golden eyes and reminded myself that this was the man that I love.

"My clumsiness could be lethal if it weren't for you." I chuckled and followed him to the hummer that was waiting for us on the tarmac.

"Well I will always be here to prevent the destruction of the earth via your ability to trip over the thick air around your feet." Edward laughed as he opened the door for me to climb into the passenger seat.

"So where is the cabin exactly?" I asked after Edward had slid into the drivers seat.

"Its pretty far out into the wilderness. We will have to cross over a mountain, and then take this windy forest road, which I will apologize for now, it will probably upset your stomach." Edward explained as he pulled off the main road that looked like it lead into a town. "Its lucky the hummer is a good off road vehicle, but also a shame that it has such a nice paint job, the trees are so close to the road that I'm pretty sure they will ruin the paint."

"Why don't they let the trees get so over grown?" I asked in curiosity.

"Well it's not a government regulated road. My family and I made it for when we feel like bringing a car up to the cabin. The car is usually a bit smaller, but most of the time we run instead." Edward explained.

"Ooh," I breathed. "So is it a big cabin so that the whole family can use it, or is it small so it only get's used by parts of the family in like a rotation or something?"

"It's a really big cabin. I think it can only really be called a cabin because the outside is made out of logs." Edward laughed. "There is still quite a bit of wood décor inside, but Esme really outdid herself with the interior design on this one."

We rode on in companionable silence after that, and I took in the scenery. I had never been a fan of cold places, but I couldn't deny that Denali was beautiful. There wasn't any snow that I could see, but the land still had that frozen look to it. The trees we were passing were evergreens, so there was still color around us. As we drove further into the woods there started to be little patches of snow, and I was wondering if we were driving into the tundra or something. I knew when we had turned on to the road Edward was speaking off because I almost couldn't tell we were on a road, and I could hear the groaning sound of the trees whipping the sides of the hummer. I shuddered a but when I thought about how high the rental cost would spike when the dealership saw how the paint had been destroyed.

"Are you cold?" Edward asked in concern, reaching out to turn up the heater.

"I'm fine," I chuckled, "I was just thinking about that poor paint job."

"Yeah, it's a shame. To bad they don't make skinnier hummers." Edward sighed.

"I guess we will just have to put this one on a diet then," I laughed. And for some reason I just continued to laugh. I laughed until tears were falling from my eyes, and I could hardly breath. Then I took deep breaths while wiping my eyes.

"I love the sound of your laughter. I have missed it so much." Edward said as he stared into my eyes. I knew it was pointless to ask him to watch the road.

"I don't remember the last time I laughed that hard," I smiled. "And my joke wasn't even that funny. Maybe I am loosing my mind."

"Maybe," Edward said in a dismissive way that clearly said he wouldn't even consider the idea of me being crazy. This was a relief to me since the whole feeling emotions from other people felt pretty crazy to me.

"So how did you sleep?" Edward asked, changing the subject altogether.

"Pretty well." I answered easily. "I had a strange dream though."

"I know." Edward said with a smile and before I could wonder what I had said out loud he continued. "It was the strangest thing, one minute I was looking around the plane, and the next I was seeing your dream. It was amazingly vivid. I have seen the dreams of others before but they are always murky and only half focused. This was like I was actually there. You created a beautiful dream world. Did you know it was being affected by the music playing in the plane?"

"It was?" I gasped. "How did you see? I am so confused."

"I'm not sure how I saw, but I think it has to do with your defenses being down. I think that's how I have occasionally been able to hear your thoughts as well." Edward explained. "I think your brain chemistry has actually altered a bit, and whatever shield is over your mind you have to actively keep it in place. Well your subconscious has to be active about it, but when you are feeling completely safe, or your focus is on the protection of others it slips from your mind and I can hear you. And with the dream I would assume its because your subconscious mine was busy creating the dream world."

"Hmmm," was the only answer I could come up with. "What song was playing that affected my dream?"

"_Sullen Girl___by Fiona Apple. "Edward answered quickly. I wracked my brain for a minute but I couldn't think of the lyrics.

"How does it go?" I asked in confusion. I was rewarded by Edward quietly singing the song to me.

"_Days like this, I don't know what to do with myself  
All day - and all night  
I wander the halls along the walls and under my breath  
I say to myself  
I need fuel - to take flight -  
And there's too much going on  
But it's calm under the waves, in the blue of my oblivion  
Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion  
Is that why they call me a sullen girl - sullen girl  
They don't know I used to sail the deep and tranquil sea  
But he washed my shore and he took my pearl  
And left and empty shell of me  
And there's too much going on  
But it's clam under the waves, in the blue of my oblivion  
Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion  
Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion  
It's calm under the waves in the blur of my oblivion_." His voice was more soulful than I remembered Fiona Apple's being, and the song almost made me cry.

"I can see how it affected my dream now." I sighed before shaking myself out of the funk I seemed to be trying to settle in to. "That makes me want to go swimming how weird is that?"

"Its funny you should say that, because I had been thinking that I wish you had let me take you on our honeymoon after seeing that dream," Edward said before looking over to gauge my reaction. "Our honeymoon was going to be on an island off of Brazil, there would have been a plethora of swimming opportunities."

"That sounds nice," I sighed. "I wish I wasn't being such a basket case. Hot weather, and the ocean sound so amazing."

"How amazing?" Edward said in a strange voice?

"Like chocolate cake amazing?" I said with a giggle. "I don't know how to describe how much fun the ocean sound like. And sun bathing, I love the way my skin feels when its warmed by the sun."

"You know we could still go don't you?" Edward said quietly. "We could treat it like a waiting period just like we were going to do the cabin here in Alaska… we don't even have to call it our honeymoon if that makes you uncomfortable."

"Edward you already spent the money to fly us to Alaska, it would be rather wasteful to leave now." I said with a sigh, knowing it would be irresponsible to change our plans now.

"Well it wasn't that expensive in the first place," Edward chuckled. "And besides we could consider it a trip to drop off the warm clothes you will need when we return from the island."

"But wouldn't I not need them?" I questioned. "Wouldn't Carlisle be meeting us there to help with the change?"

"I guess I had assumed we would go to the island by ourselves." Edward explained, wary of my reaction. "We would be able to stay for the waiting period that the family has to stay in Forks to mourn our 'deaths' and then return to Alaska to complete the change with Carlisle."

"It wouldn't be changing the plan much, other than use being in a different location for awhile…" I mused. "And we would actually be lying to my family less since we would actually be flying to a tropical location…"

"You would love the island Bella," Edward rushed seeing an opening to convince me to go. "Its very sunny there. There are some amazing plants in the mini rainforest that grows there. There are great snorkeling opportunities too."

"I think it sounds great—"

I was cut off by the ringing of Edward's cell phone. Edward grabbed it and had a quick conversation with the person on the other side. It was very short, and I was fairly certain he was talking to Alice based on the lack of any explanation on Edward's side.

"That was Alice," He said and we laughed together. "The family knows of our change in plans, and they are happy that we are going somewhere a little warmer for your sake. Alice has already begun making out travel arrangements. After we drop off your clothes we will head back to the airport."

"That sounds fine to me," I said with a smile, and for a moment I felt like I had before any of this had happened.


	18. Chapter 18

Edward and I spent the rest of the ride out to the cabin chatting about what the island would be like. He told me about how Carlisle had bought it for Esme some time ago, and she had given use permission to use it for our honeymoon. The situation was a little different, but it wasn't like Esme would retract her permission it wasn't in her nature.

After we dropped off our luggage, we climbed back into the hummer and went back to the airport, Edward signed a piece of paper with a very large number on it at the agency after they saw the rental, but Edward didn't bat an eye before signing, and then leading me back out to catch another flight.

I was fairly certain that we boarded the same plan we had just disembarked a short time ago, but this time I actually took it in, and sat with Edward instead of on my own. I held his hand while he read to me from on of the silly in flight magazines making jokes about why anyone would decide to buy any of the items while flying through the air.

We had a short stop in Port Angeles were we had to board a new flight to Texas, that would lead us on to Brazil, but Alice was waiting for us in the airport.

"Here, you'll need clothes," she laughed as she motioned towards two trunks sitting on the ground at her feet.

"Do we really need that many clothes," I groaned. "We are only going for a few weeks."

"They're mostly swim suits Bella," Alice scoffed. "you can't run around in the same one again and again. I see you guys swimming often, often enough that one suit will still be wet when you want to go out again."

"Putting on a wet suit is uncomfortable…" I conceded. "There are actual clothes in there though right?"

"Yes Bella," Edward informed me. "I can smell the cotton from here."

"Thanks Alice," I said with a smile.

"We should board our flight Alice," Edward said quietly. "Thank you for the clothes, you are always the thoughtful one."

"Its my job," Alice giggled, before turning on her heal to leave. "Have fun on the island."

We boarded the flight, and sat in a comfortable silence while we waited to be airborne. Once we were at cruising altitude Edward ordered me a salad from the flight attendant, and sent her on her way. Once she was gone he whispered to me that everything else is either made from dehydrated meals or has been in the in-flight fridge for far to long to be healthy. They just purchased new salad packs the day for though, so they were supposed to taste good.

The movie came one, and it was a romantic comedy I had seen several times already, so I tuned it out as I ate my salad and listened to Edward whisper the thoughts of the passengers around us that he thought I would find amusing. In my relaxed state I could feel the amusement rolling off of Edward, and I wondered if he was hearing my thoughts just then.

"Yes," he said with a smile. "I'm glad you like the salad."

I laughed because I had just been thinking about how much I loved the chopped carrots. "Does it feel weird to have your emotions reflected back at you like that."

"Perhaps it would if Jasper hadn't been doing it too me for years now." Edward chuckled.

"I forgot about that. I'm glad I don't feel everyone's emotions all at once like he does. I think I would loose my mind." I whispered.

"This new development could strengthen after the change," Edward said, and I felt the pain that was on his face. "We will all be there to help you if that's the case."

"Let's not think about that now," I said as I fought a cringe. "Lets just enjoy our time in the sun."

The rest of the flight was uneventful, and we quickly traversed the Dallas airport to board our next flight. Shortly after we were in the air, I drifted off to sleep again. After a dreamless sleep I awoke to the somewhat rough landing in Brazil. My startled eyes found Edward, but he just patted my hand and shook his head. I could feel his annoyance, and somehow I knew it was directed at the pilot.

We disembarked, and quickly jumped into a taxi, which took us out to a boat dock. I imagined I would feel pretty confused at this point if we truly were heading to our honeymoon and I had not idea where we were going. Then again, I would probably groggy if we had left right after the wedding and flown straight here, and I might not have had the energy to feel confused about where we were. My musings kept my mind busy for most of the boat ride out to the island. Edward calling my name quickly pulled me out of my reverie.

"Can you see it up ahead?" he asked excitedly, pointing in front of the boat.

'I don't think so," I mumbled as I searched the water in front of us. Then I saw a dark mass in the distance. "Wait, I think I might see it."

"Isle Esme," Edward said. "It's so beautiful. You are going to love it."

"I still can't believe Carlisle bought her an island. Isn't that a bit extreme?" I giggled.

"When you have more money that you can ever spend, and a lover that you want to give the world too, it seems only natural you will eventually buy them an Island," Edward said in a serious voice, and I could feel that he truly believed what he said to me.

"Please don't buy me an island Edward," I said in earnest, already knowing he would eventually do just that anyway.

"I can't make any promises," he said with a laugh, just as the boat came to a stop at a small wooden dock.

Even in the dark, the island was beautiful. The palm tree swayed in the tiniest of a breeze, and the lights were already on, illuminating a large island front house that was to die for.

"How are the lights on?" I asked as Edward helped me down from the boat with the lightest of touches.

"We have a hired crew that cleans the house and maintains the growth near the house." Edward told me as he pulled our luggage from the boat, no longer bound in speed or strength without prying eyes around. "They normal come about once every month or two, but Alice called to have them prepare for our arrival. The kitchen should be fully stocked for you."

"Awesome, I am starving," I chuckled, and my stomach grumbled as if to confirm my statement. "Let's get inside."

I turned and quickly ran towards the house, not willing to wait any longer, and I could hear Edward close behind me. He must have been intentionally noisy with his approach to avoid startling me, because he could have easily run silently behind me. As I mounted the stairs I tripped and my knees slammed into the deck. I let myself roll to the side instead of putting my hands out to catch me because I was afraid to get a sliver that might bleed. The momentum from my run allowed me to keep rolling and I was quickly back on my feet, and turning to look at Edward.

"Did you see that?" I gasped. "I'm like a ninja."

"I don't think a ninja would have tripped," Edward laughed. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," answered as I mentally assessed myself. "Worst case scenario my knees will bruise. Let's go inside, I am so hungry!"

I didn't wait for Edward to give me some answer about wanting to check me out, I turned and hurried into the house. The kitchen was just past the foyer so it wasn't hard to find. I threw open the fridge and saw plenty of options, I was considering what to make when I saw pickles and watermelon and just knew I wanted both of them. I snatched them out of the fridge and quickly sat at the breakfast bar.

"Is that a normal combination of food?" Edward said as he gave me a strange look.

"I guess its kind of weird." I said as I looked at the food I was digging in to. "They both just sounded really good."

"Hmmm," Edward hummed at me, before turning to take the luggage back into the back of the house.

I looked back at the food in front of me, and was strangely reminded of a movie I saw a long time ago, where a teen was pregnant. She had always been pretty skinny, so she never had a very regular period anyway, so that hadn't tipped her off. I started counting back in my mind and realized that my period was actually late, and I started to panic. I didn't want to talk about my fears to Edward yet, so I tried to focus only on eating what was in front of me, so my heart would stop racing.


	19. Chapter 19

After I had eaten my fill Edward gave me a tour of the house. I could imagine ghosts of our former selves on their honeymoon moving around us as we looked at the house. If things had been different we probably would have run straight to the bedroom, but tonight we took our time. I spent a long time looking at the small office slash library off the side hall by the kitchen. Esme had very good taste in books, and I ran my hand lovingly over the spine of an old leather bound copy of Wuthering Heights before Edward whisked me away swearing he would toss that book into the rainforest if I tried to read it again

We passed by the kitchen again as we went to look at the other side of the house, and I really took in the living room for the first time. It was spacious and comfortable looking, and the wall facing out the back of the house was all windows. I went over, and pushed the gauzy curtains to the side to look through it and saw the amazing pool Esme has designed. It looked more like an amazing rock lined pond than it did a pool. I had a hard time imagining finding anything as beautiful anywhere, including the island we were calling our home for the time being.

We eventually ended up in the bedroom, and I could imagine it would have made for a very magical first night of our honeymoon. The white linen covered bed looked amazingly comfortable, and the gauzy curtains draped around it only added to the beauty. At that moment my thoughts were more filled with how sleeping arrangements would work than what could have happened tonight if things had been different.

"So there is another bedroom across the hall." Edward said quietly from behind me. "I could spend the night in there if you like."

"You can't stay in a different room on our honeymoon," I said quietly.

"We aren't really on a honeymoon, so I don't know how the rules work," Edward said quietly, a bit of sadness and confusion radiating off of him.

"Well, lets try to use the old rules, but just be careful about things that involve touching," I suggested taking a tentative seat on the bed, and patting the spot beside me. "Okay?"

"Okay," he said softly as he joined me, making a point to keep any part of us from touching. "Are you tired?"

"Not really," I admitted. "I think I am still a little excited by my surroundings."

"Do you want to watch a movie or something?" he asked.

"That might be nice, did you bring any movies with you?" I asked, feeling my face twitch with amusement at Edward not really knowing what was in his trunk unless Alice had made a mental list for him.

"Oh Bella," Edward chuckled as he turned me like a dancer and lead me back towards the living room. "If you thought the library was well stocked, you have quite the surprise waiting for you."

Edward lead me into the living room, and turned me around so I was facing in the same direction we had just come from, and for the first time I noticed something other than the floor to ceiling windows in the room. The walls on either side of the hallway entrance were lined with shelves that were filled with DVDs. While there weren't as many DVDs as there were books, it practically looked like a rental store, and I could see what Edward meant about being impressed. Of course then I realized I would have to be able to pick a movie from all of them, and I couldn't figure out what I wanted to watch.

I could feel Edward's amusement as I began to look over the shelf, and I hoped he could hear my annoyed thoughts through my reading of the titles. I spent a good ten minutes scanning the shelves before deciding on a romantic comedy, and tossing it at Edward before flopping onto the couch.

"Oh, come on," Edward said playfully as he crossed to the entertainment center. "Don't be grumpy."

"I'm not grumpy," I grumbled rolling across the couch to grab a throw pillow.

"Uh huh, ok." Edward laughed as he sat down on the end of the couch with the remote. "I'm sorry I made you grumpy."

"You didn't really do anything," I conceded. "I could just feel you wanting to laugh at me, and it annoyed me a bit."

Edward looked as if he was going to apologize again by I quieted him with a small shake of my head and nodded towards the TV so he would turn on the movie. As the movie started I got caught up in the story, but as I relaxed more and more my walls came down, and I started to pick up on Edward's emotions again. I was surprised by what I found, because it was nothing I had actually felt from him before. I imagined he was being influenced by the movie, but I could feel his arousal growing, while at the same time there was a feeling of frustration and another of guilt. It appeared that the movie was turning him on and he felt bad about that.

"Yes, I do feel guilty about that," Edward said quietly without turning to look at me. "Those feelings aren't appropriate for the situation."

I had forgotten that he could hear my thoughts when the wall was down, and the shock of it must have thrust them back up because I could no longer feel what he was feeling. I turned and looked at him and thought before I spoke.

"I think the feeling are perfectly natural," I said quietly shying away from eye contact. "I don't know that I can reciprocate them properly, but I am not upset that they are there."

Edward seemed stumped by that and just kept looking at me, until I looked back at the movie. It felt like he was still looking at me occasionally, but I didn't look back to be sure. I focused on the steamy romance on the screen, and measured my responses. I wasn't clamming up like I had been lately, so it made me feel bolder. I decided to try and push my boundaries a bit, and slid down the couch so that our legs were touching, and leaned in to him a bit.

I felt his body stiffen for a second in shock, but then immediately relax. I started to wonder if he was actually relaxed but I pushed it out of my mind when I felt my stress level spike. I focused in on the movie again, and tried to feel the lusty feeling I was used to feeling towards Edward in the past. I could still feel my attraction to him, but it felt so overwhelmed by these new fears that my emotions felt confusing. I didn't want to be confused anymore, so right then and there I made a decision to try and push it away. I slyly put my hand on Edward's leg and moved it upward.

"Bella?" Edward asked in a strangled voice.

"We had an agreement about what would happen on the honeymoon didn't we?" I whispered as I turned my face into his neck, eliciting a moan.

"I sort of assumed that was off," he whispered, gently sliding his arm behind me to allow me to move closer without pulling me in on his own.

"I think I might want to try," I whispered again as I placed a gentle kiss on his neck. "Is that okay?"

"Of course," he said through a shudder as I trailed my tongue down to the edge of his shirt. "But are you sure?"

"For now," I answered honestly. "I can't promise it will stay that way, but right now I want to try."

That was all the convincing Edward needed. He turned into me and leaned in for a kiss. I pulled him closer and tried to find boldness inside of myself. I leaned back slowly until I was lying on the couch with Edward hovering over me. I pulled him back into kissing me, and felt my heart begin to beat faster. I could feel my adrenaline beginning to flow, and I pulled him even closer to me.

Edward allowed his weight to settle in to me a bit as he nuzzled into my neck and I felt the reason behind my racing heart change, but I tried to ignore it. I pushed my body up into his, as a reminder to myself that I wanted this, and a reminder to him that I wanted him. I threaded my fingers through his hair as I pulled his lips back to mine. Hoping he wouldn't realize that it was to get him away from my neck. His kisses were passionate, and I tried to loose myself in them. Thinking off all those nights that I had longed for this.

His hand dropped from my neck and fell to my hips. My hear rate spiked, but it still made me moan which gave him permission to continue. He slowly slid his fingers under my t-shirt, and slowly up my side. I broke free of his kiss, my breathing heavy, and he moved quickly back to my neck assuming I was just out of breath. I tried to calm my breathing, but the higher his hand slid the shorter my breaths became.

"Stop," I said breathily. "Please."

And abruptly he was gone. I sat up seeking him out, and saw him standing against the wall near the tv running his hands through his hair. He reminded me of a child who had gotten into quite a bit of trouble.

"Are you okay?" I asked him quietly as I pulled the pillow back into my lap and curled into the couch still focusing on controlling my breathing.

"Am I ok?" Edward said with disgust in his voice. "How can you be asking, if I am ok? Are you okay?"

"Yes, I think so," I breathed quietly. "I just got so… I don't know, flustered?"

"It was too soon." He groan as he slumped into a seated position.

"No, it wasn't," I said defiantly. "I wanted to try, I just didn't expect to feel so overwhelmed."

"Were you over whelmed the whole time," he said, and I wasn't sure if I was hearing the confusion in his voice, or if I was just reading his emotions again.

"No, the kissing was nice, and I liked how it made me feel," I said honestly. "I started to feel on edge when you kissed my neck, but I didn't start to fall apart until your hand was under my shirt."

"I thought it was okay, because it sounded like you were enjoying it," Edward whispered. "I wish I could read your mind all the time."

"It did feel good, I couldn't control the other reaction," I rushed to explain. "It was like my skin had a memory of its own, and I couldn't convince it that this was something different."

"I'm so sorry Bella," Edward said, finally meeting my eyes.

"Please don't be Edward," I sighed. "You have absolutely no fault in this. I pushed the issue, and it was someone else who did what is causing these feelings. No guilt belongs to you."

"I feel plenty guilty," Edward said so quietly, that I wasn't sure I was supposed to hear it.

"I know you do Edward," I said quietly as I stood up from the couch. "But I don't want that to be our relationship. Where I push you into things that don't work out, and you beat yourself up for it. I want to go back to being us. And I want to start right now. I want us to go to bed, and sleep in the bed together like we used to. So I leave up to you to decide if you want to move forward and try to get beyond what just happened or if you want to stay in here and beat yourself up."

I turned on my heel and walked out of the room without waiting for his response. I didn't hear him behind me, but didn't show that it was upsetting me. I climbed onto the bed, and when I flopped onto my back I saw that he was standing in the doorway watching me. I patted the bed next to me, before I rolled onto my side and covered myself with the thin white blanket.


	20. Chapter 20

My sleep that night was mostly peacefully. I tossed and turned at the beginning trying to find a way to be comfortable with Edward in the bed with me. I wanted everything to be like it was, but if I closed my eyes and felt him near me, my body wasn't sure who it was. It seemed to me that my eyes were the only thing keeping me in the present. But I couldn't go the rest of my life without ever closing my eyes just to feel safe.

When morning came, I could feel the heat beating through the windows, and I found myself wishing for an air conditioner. If things were different I would probably be wrapped up in Edward's arms without a care about the outside temperature. I sat up quickly throwing the blanket off of me.

"Morning," I yawned, stretching my arms.

"Good morning Bella," Edward laughed from under the blanket.

"Wow I didn't realize my morning breath was _that_ bad," I pretended to gasp as I pulled the blanket off of his face. "I didn't melt your face did I?"

"I fear I may be scarred for life." He said dramatically, throwing his hand across his forehead. "My modeling career will be ruined."

"Oh please," I laughed sliding out of the bed. "We all know that Jasper is the really beauty in the family."

I squealed as he jumped off the bed to grab me, but I was delighted that his tickling fingers were only that, and nothing more. I squirmed about trying to break free, laughing all the time, until we ended up in a pile on the floor. I was breathing heavily, and Edward was just watching me with a small smile on his face.

"What do you want to do today," I asked as I disentangled myself and started moving towards the bathroom off the side of the bedroom.

"I though maybe we could go swimming today," he suggested as he slowly followed after me.

"That sounds fun," I said as I dug through my toiletries for my brush and started dragging it through my hair. "Pool or ocean?"

"Neither," he said as he went back into the bedroom and opened out trunks. "Less than a miles from here there is a spring that's very beautiful, that I want to show you."

"Okay," I agreed easily before I started brushing my teeth.

When I had finished, I went back into the bedroom and saw that Edward had already dressed in a pair of black swimming trunks, and had laid a black bikini on the bed along with a pink wrap dress. I considered making a joke about him picking out my clothes, but decided to let it go and wonder instead if he was also going to pick out a pair of shoes for me.

"Shoes?" I chuckled as I picked the clothes up and turned back towards the bathroom.

"I thought I would just run with you," Edward admitted, squirming a bit. "That way you wouldn't have to hike to the spot in swimwear."

"Ok," I said reminding myself that I did okay with the close proximity just a few minutes ago. "Sounds like a plan"

I crossed all the way into the bathroom and closed the door behind me. I quickly pulled off my pajamas, and threw on the bikini. I mentally thanked Edward for picking one with more coverage than I suspected a lot of the ones Alice had packed would have. I looked at myself in the mirror as I tied the side of the wrap dress closed, when I noticed how chapped my lips were. I groaned about the heat drying my skin out so badly, but moved forward to look for some chapstick in the toiletry bag that Alice had packed for me.

When my search through the bag didn't seem to yield anything I dumped everything out on the counter. The chapstick I was searching for rolled out onto the floor, but I paid little attention to it. It was the lack of something and the presence of something else that had my complete focus. Sitting right in front of me in a pile with my makeup was a pregnancy test, and nowhere on the counter was there any sort of tampon or pad. It seemed Alice already knew what I had suspected upon arrival. It seemed almost foolish to take the test, since it was clear that Alice already knew the answer based on what she chose to exclude from the bag.

I felt my anxiety rising, and made a snap decision to simply ignore the situation, turned on my heel, and headed out to meet Edward in the bedroom. I gave him a smile, and opened up my arms inviting him to pick me up which he did quickly. Before I knew it we were flying through the trees, and then quickly stopping at our destination. In the short time since the last time Edward ran with me, I had forgotten how quickly he moved. He sat me down on the edge of the pool so I wouldn't have to stand in the dirt, and I took in my surroundings.

It was beautiful, and luscious. There was green foliage all around, but there was still sunlight peaking through an opening in the canopy above us. There were bright flowers that I had never seen before and the water was like glass. I could see the rock bottom of the spring as clearly as if there were no water in the pool at all.

"Its beautiful Edward," I said turning to face him.

"I know," he agreed, but it wasn't lost on me that he didn't appear to be looking at the spring.

I quickly pulled off my wrap dress, suddenly eager to be in the water. I stepped in quickly and was relieved that the water wasn't cold. It was cool enough that it was a relief from the heat around us, but still much warmer than the water in La Push. I waded in until the water was up to my waist before turning to beckon Edward in after me. He complied quickly, and I swam away from him initiating a playful game of tag, that I had no hope of winning.

Like I had expected, Edward caught me quickly, but pretended that I was able to quickly slip through his fingers, and I swam away again. We swam all around the spring like that until I was winded. We lounged on the edge so our bodies were still submerged, but I didn't have to tread water to avoid drowning.

"I could get used to going swimming with you," Edward chuckled looking up at the canopy. "Maybe we should move somewhere tropical."

"Well I have always loved the sun," I agreed, turning to look at him, though he was still looking up. "Then again, you wouldn't ever be able to go outside."

"We could move somewhere like this, where we don't have to worry about other people," he said finally turning to look at me. "Or we could just stay here. I'm sure Esme wouldn't mind."

"Wouldn't it be better to stay with the family after my change," I hedged. "I mean what if I broke away from you and swam to civilization."

"I'm sure we could convince the family to come as well," Edward rushed. "Though we would have to build onto the house a bit to fit everyone."

"I definitely don't hate that idea," I sighed happily. "We'll have to see what they think."

We splashed around the pool for a bit longer, and then decided to go back when my stomach started growling. Edward raced us back, and went to go pull out dry clothes for us while I grabbed something to eat from the kitchen. I was picking through the fridge for a while before settling on a bowl of fruit. I turned to go sit at the counter, and stopped in my tracks. Edward was standing in the doorway facing me, staring at his hand. I looked closer, and saw that in his hand was the pregnancy test from the bathroom counter.

"Bella?" he asked in a strangled voice.

"Yes Edward," I said, not sure how to have this conversation with him.

"Why do you have this?" he said, and I noticed his hands were actually shaking.

"Alice packed it for me," I said quietly. It wasn't a lie, but it didn't force me to say what was hanging between us.

"Alice knows then?" he asked, and I realized he was talking to himself. "So why bother packing it, unless she knew we would need to see the test results to believe it. Why wouldn't she have us come home?"

"She probably thought this was something we would want talk about on our own first," I whispered. "It puts less pressure on us."

"Maybe," he said softly as he shifted the test from one hand to the other. "Should we, maybe take the test?"

"I guess just to be sure," I said setting the fruit down on the counter. "I mean Alice has been wrong before right?"

"Right," Edward agreed, but I could sense that he didn't believe that this was one of the times that she was wrong.

I walked slowly back to the bathroom, taking the test from Edward as I passed him. He followed me all the way back, and it looked like he was going to follow me into the bathroom, but I shook my head at him, and closed the door behind myself. I opened the box, and pulled out the instruction booklet. I had seen this in movies before, but I wasn't sure exactly how everything was supposed to work. It looked like I was supposed to just pee on it, put the cap back on, set it on an even surface and wait. So I did that. I felt sick to my stomach as I was setting it on the counter, but I went to let Edward in, instead of vomiting all over myself.

I let Edward hold me as we waited for the result to show itself. It was the longest five minutes of my life, and when I turned my face away from his chest to finally look at the test it was like my world stopped. My vision focused in on that tiny pink plus sign, and I thought I might throw up again. After a few second I realized I really was going to vomit, and I hurtled myself towards the toilet. Edward pulled my hair back for me, and gently rubbed my back.

"I can't do this," I groaned to Edward as I slumped against him.

"Do you mean that you want to get rid of is?" he asked in an unreadable voice.

"I can't do that either," I whispered. "Why is this happening?"

"I don't know Bella," she whispered as he pulled me closer. "I don't know."


	21. Chapter 21

After we had settle a bit Edward called Carlisle. We wanted him to join us on the island, to do an initial check up and be present for any medical needs during the rest of the stay. He told us, that the family had made the announcement of our crashed plane, and that he would need to stay for the funeral before he could feasibly leave town for a medical conference or to scout out a new place to live. He would try to be on a plane in three days, but we would have to wait at least that long before learning anymore.

I wasn't sure how much more I wanted to know anyway. I was torn emotionally over how to feel about the pregnancy. One the one hand it had been caused by something horrible, but on the other hand, I was being presented with the opportunity to have a child which had not be an option for me before this. Not that I had thought much about wanting a child, I often thought of them as annoying, but suddenly the idea didn't seem completely awful.

After spending a day listing around the house, both of us lost in our own thoughts, Edward decided that we should go exploring around the island to take our minds off of the situation. I climbed onto his back, and he took us up into the treetops so I could see the different wild life living up there. I was never able to get very close to any of the animals because they were frightened away by Edward, but I did get very close to a tiny black and white monkey before it ran away. As the sun was beginning to set, Edward took me up above the canopy so I could watch all the multicolored birds coming home to roost for the night. I was completely engrossed by a vibrant parrot that landed within 50 yards of us, and I wished desperately that I could go touch it, but just a slight movement of mine towards him, had the bird flying away to a different tree.

I slept deeply that night, and my dreams were full of vibrant colors and flurrying wings rather than the nightmares that had been plaguing me. When I awoke on the second day of our wait for Carlisle to arrive I was ravenously hungry, and probably went through half a carton of eggs before I was sated. We opted to spend the day on the beach, and packed a blanket, large umbrella, basket of snacks and drinks, and sunscreen with us down to the waterside.

We swam for hours, in the sparkling blue water. And I thrilled at how warm and content I was. It reminded me of why I had missed Phoenix so much before I had grown to associate the rain with Edward being present. I eventually fell asleep under the umbrella, and after I had been sleeping for an hour or so Edward woke me and suggested that we go inside so my skin wouldn't burn. I ate a small dinner at the breakfast nook before we settled in to watch another movie in the living room. We were barely through the Chronicles of Narnia opening scenes when I fell back asleep.

I did not awake again until morning, and when I opened my eyes I saw that I was in the bedroom rather than the living room. Edward must have moved me in my sleep. I rolled over to ask him about it, and was instead confronted with an empty bed other than a note lying next to me. I opened it and read:

Bella,

I hope to be back before you find this note, but on the chance that I am not, I have run out to get a bite to eat. I will be back shortly, and we can go for a hike out in the rainforest. I received word from Carlisle that he will be arriving late this afternoon instead of tomorrow.

Love Edward

I rolled away from his note, irrationally annoyed with his absence, but reassured that Carlisle would be joining us in a few short hours. I decided to take a shower while I waited for Edward to arrive, but after really looking at the bathroom for the first time, I could not resist the vast marble tub, that looked like it had Jacuzzi jets built into it. I set the water running on warm and added some lavender oil before returning to the bedroom to pick out my outfit for the day.

I had to dig through the trunk for a while to find clothes decent enough for hiking. Alice had done a good job of packing things that weren't too revealing, but she had still packed mostly swimsuits and those simply wouldn't do for a hike. Neither would the numerous sundresses that she packed. By the time I found a pair of Bermuda short, a tank top, and some water shoes (that would just have to do), and hurried back to the bathroom, the tub had nearly run over.

I hurried to turn off the tap, and tossed the clothes on the counter before hopping in to the tub. The warm water soothed me instantly, as it always did. I found myself wondering if water would still feel so amazing on my skin after Edward changed me. But then I wasn't sure when he was changing me. I doubt that he would argue against changing me after the pregnancy since it wouldn't change my human vulnerability. Though he might be worried about the safety of the baby. But I wasn't so sure I wanted to keep the baby. Would I be able to love the baby? I wasn't sure. I pulled myself out of those thoughts, and instead tried to figure out what the timeline was on my change. It would have to be at least nine months from now to accommodate the pregnancy, but would I want to be changed right after that? I might want to wait a little longer so I would have time to loose the baby weight. Spending eternity with a pregnancy tummy didn't sound very exciting.

I took my time bathing and relaxing. Mostly for comfort, but if I was being honest with myself I was also waiting for the mirror to fog completely over so I wouldn't have to see myself after I got out. I was doing better about not directing my feelings about the rape back on myself as self hate, but I was still struggling with seeing my naked form and not being reminded of what happened.

I had dressed, and was pulling my damp hair into a French braid when Edward came into the bedroom. I could hear him through the door, and I knew he was making a point to announce his presence, which I couldn't help but love him more for. I wrapped the elastic at the base of the braid, and grabbed the shoes off of the counter, and hurried out into the bedroom.

"Hello," I chirped before hoping over to the bed and sitting down to put my shoes on.

"Good morning beautiful," he said moving over to join me on the bed. "Are you interested in hiking, or does that sound to mountain man for you?"

"I grew to love hiking while you are away," I rushed, not wanting to elicit a wince from Edward as he realized what I was saying. "And I am pretty good at it, I hope you can keep up."

"Is that a challenge?" Edward prodded, the sparkle returning to his eyes.

"It most certainly is," I joked as I finished getting my shoes on and hopped up from the bed. "Race you to the trees."

I bolted to the bedroom door, through the house, and out the door off the kitchen that was pointed towards the trees. Edward gave me a head start so I didn't see him until I was running across the open space between the house and the trees. But I saw a few plants tilt in an unnatural breeze and some sand kick up into the air, and I knew that he had flown past me.

"Cheater," I called playfully after him.

I saw him stop at the tree line, and I ran the rest of the way to him, but then I stopped and had to catch my breath a bit. Apparently I wasn't in shape enough to sprint dead out for very long. Edward was laughing at me for it, but I knew it was in good fun, and slapped him playfully on the arm instead of getting upset with him. I had a feeling the jovial mood that was radiating off of him was also affecting my mood.

"I though, we could hike up to a ridge on the back side of the waterfall that you saw the other day. It's not too steep of a path, and it looks out over a small valley that has an opening in the tree canopy, so the view is amazing." Edward explained as he started leading me forward into the trees.

"Sounds great," I agreed following behind him.

I has been proud of how unclumsy I had become with my hiking, but I was loosing confidence in that aspect as I became aware of how difficult these water shoes were to walk in without tripping. They seemed to be half a size too big, which was odd for Alice, but I didn't want to complain about it. It did mean that I kept catching in the dirt, but I was at least managing to stay upright.

When we starting moving up the ridge it became more difficult, and I slowed down a bit so I was further behind Edward. Moving slower stopped some of the tripping, but I was growing anxious about annoying Edward with my pace.

I was watching his own pace slow, and trying to decide if I should tell him to stop and wait for me, or just wait for me to catch up when I lost my balance. I was lurching off the ridge, with the ground rushing up to meet me, when I felt Edward's arms close around my waist. He caught me just before I hit the ground, but my sigh of relief was cut off in gasp of pain. It felt as if my leg, stomach and wrist has been spilt open. I looked down at my body, and cried out in shock as well as pain. There were three snakes attached to me. Apparently I had fallen into the pit they were laying in, and they didn't take kindly to it my fall which probably looked like I was trying to attack me.

I noticed that the snakes were yellow, and that it seemed odd that they weren't letting go from where the bit me, before I started feeling groggy. I was in so much pain, that I hardly felt anything as Edward pulled the snakes off of me. He was pulling me up into his arms when the world began to grow dim around me. I saw his lips moving and tried to focus on what he was saying to me, when everything went black.

.

.

.

.

I felt like I was being smothered by a dark blanket, but I couldn't seem to get it off of me. There was a light rumbling going on around me, that I figured out was speech after some of the words floated through to me. I heard a soft worried voice say "Bothrops insilaris" then it was swallowed up by more rumbles. Then I heard a musical yet pained voice say "no antivenin." It took awhile for the sounds to sound more like speech and less like random rumbling sounds. But when they did I realized Carlisle must have arrived, and he and Edward were talking.

I finally forced my eyes open and I saw them standing over me. I made the mistake of looking down at my body and started to cry. My leg and arm both looked as if they were broken, and swollen up to at least twice their size. My stomach looked as if I was already several months pregnant because it was swollen as well. I saw that I was hooked up to some sort of iv and tried not to cringe at the thought of the needle inside my skin. My tears drew their attention to me, and they quickly moved closer to me. Edward kneeled down and took my hand that wasn't swollen.

"Bella," he seemed to sigh. "How are you feeling."

"I'm fine," I lied.

"Bella," Carlisle chided. "I need you to tell me what you are feeling so I can be sure of your diagnosis."

"Three snakes bit me," I groaned, "What more do you need to know."

"Edward wasn't absolutely sure if it was the Bothrops insilaris, so I need to evaluate your symptoms to determine our course of action."

"Botha-what?" I whispered as a wave of nausea rolled through me.

"Bothrops insilaris," Carlisle said calmly. "It's sometimes referred to as the Golden Lancehead."

"They were sort of gold colored I guess, but aren't there lots of different kinds of yellow snakes?" I groaned as I became aware of more pain. "Why do you guys think it was the Bothorapi insilinis?"

"Bothrops Insilaris," Carlisle chuckled. "Because of what island we are on. When I bought this island I renamed it Isle Esme, but to the people of Brazil it is known as Ilha de Queimada Grande or Snake Island. It is known for being covered by the Golden Lancehead, and that is the main reason it remains unpopulated. When we began to use the island we weeded out most of the population, merely for convenience. They couldn't harm us, but they did pose an issue for maintaining a population of animals for us to hunt when they kept biting them, and thus killing them. We didn't want to kill them all, as this is the only place on earth they are found other than in zoos, but we also hadn't thought about the possibility of humans being on the island for an extended period of time. I admit that I had forgotten about them when we talked about you and Edward coming here for your honeymoon." "What's so bad about these snakes," I asked, having a feeling I already knew the answer. "Well as the island remains unpopulated by humans anyway, there is no known case of a human being bitten until now," Carlisle said softly. "Because of that no antivenin has been made." "Can't you make one," I said trying not to start crying again. "In the time it will take to make it, the venom will most likely have killed you," Edward said in a dead voice. "Are you sure?" I gasped. "I don't feel like I am dying." "Well what are you feeling right now Bella," Carlisle prodded yet again. "Well the bites hurt." I admitted. "And I feel sick to my stomach, and my back hurts, but that could be from the fall. I also kind of have a headache, but that also might not be related." "I would love for it to be unrelated," Carlisle said quietly. "But it sounds like it could be the onset of another symptom." "What are all the symptoms?" I asked, not sure I wanted the answer. "Bella, are you sure you want to know that?" Edward asked quietly finally making eye contact with me again. "Yes," I sighed. "What good is it to not know, if they are going to happen anyway." "Alright," he groaned. "Go ahead and tell her Carlisle." "From the studies that have been done by zoologists, we know that the symptoms are rather intense." Carlisle said quietly as he sat down beside me on the bed. "First the bites will swell up, and there will be localized pain at the bite site. The victim will feel nausea and may begin to vomit. They may begin to get blood blisters and bruises. They will begin to have blood in their vomit or urine. In the later stages there will be intestinal bleeding, kidney failure, brain hemorrhaging, and severe necrosis in the skin and muscular tissue." "Well then the headache must not be related right," I rushed. "I mean the hemorrhaging is supposed to be in the late stages right?" "We don't know the exact time line of the poisoning," Carlisle said softly. "But your back pain and headache suggest that the kidney failure and hemorrhaging have begun. I also suspect the necrosis has begun in the skin at least. " "What do you mean," I cried. "If I may," he said reaching for the hem of my shirt. I nodded my head to give him the okay. He pulled up my shirt to show me the bite mark. There right in the center of the huge swell of my stomach were two holes. If it were just those two holes I might not have begin to panic, but there were red blotches leading up to the bite, which was surrounded by a bruise. "Do you see on the very edge of the bite marks," Carlisle pointed, without touching me. "The bruise leads up toward the bite, but then it turns black instead of the purple of the bruise. That is necrosis." "Oh my god," I cried. "Please try to stay calm Bella," Carlisle said soothingly. "I still need to examine you to be sure of what is going on with your body." "Can I go the bathroom first," I asked not sure if I really needed to use the bathroom, or I needed to get away from the situation I found myself in if only for a moment. "Of course," Edward said quickly. "Let me help you in there though, I don't think you are going to be able to walk on your own." Edward had to help me just to sit up. While lying down it was like my swollen stomach was pinning me to the bed. Once I was upright I found I could move, it was just difficult with the burning pain radiating through me. I almost gave up right there, but as I allowed Edward to pick me up off the bed, I realized I really did need to go to the bathroom. Edward carried me into the bathroom, and gingerly set me on my feet in front of the toilet while still holding nearly all of my weight up for me. "Do you want me to stay and help you," Edward asked, sounding unsure of himself. "I think I can handle it," I said reaching over with my good arm to grab the towel bar and hold myself up, before looking at Edward again with a flush climbing into my cheeks. " I may need you to unbutton my shorts for me though, I can't seem to move my fingers very well." Edward did as I asked, looking away all the while. I was sure he did it for my benefit alone, and I was grateful. He walked briskly out of the room, and closed the door behind him. I could tell from the light filtering under the door that he was standing right outside, and again I was grateful. I clumsily pushed my bottoms down, and gingerly lowered myself down onto the toilet. The first thing I noticed was that over the swell of my stomach I could see blood in my shorts. I didn't panic because Carlisle had said that there might be some bleeding. I started to go to the bathroom, and I seemed to keep going to the bathroom for a very long time. It just kept feeling like I still had to go, and it seemed to last forever. When I had finally finished I struggled through the process of wiping which is surprisingly difficult when you seem to be swollen everywhere and you can only really use one of your arms. When I was done I drug myself upright, and toiled through trying to get my shorts back up. It took me a few minutes but I finally managed, thought I had to leave the button undone. I pulled myself around to flush the toilet and gasped. I was still staring at the bowl full of blood when Edward burst through the door. He quickly joined me, and put his arm around my waist so I wouldn't have to hold my weight up anymore. I looked at his face, and I could see that he was tense. I assumed it was because of all the blood. "Carlisle," Edward said in barely more than a whisper, but I knew Carlisle would hear him. In the blink of an eye Carlisle was standing beside us, and I was surprised to hear a sharp intake of breath from him. I thought he wasn't affected by human blood anymore. "I thought we would still have a chance to save it," he groaned, and I realized I had misread his gasp. "Save what?" I moaned, feeling the tears start to burn my eyes again. "The baby," Edward whispered barely loud enough for me too here. "I'm so sorry Bella," Carlisle exhaled. "You appear to be having a miscarriage." I stopped tracking conversation after that I slumped into Edward, allowing him to hold up all of my weight as I sobbed. It was hard to understand how I was feeling, since I hadn't ever planned on having a baby, and this one had come from such a horrible experience. I couldn't help letting images of a tiny baby in my arms play in my mind. I sobbed harder as I imagined playing with a toddler in the yard, or taking a sweet little girl with pigtails to her first day of kindergarten. I felt Edward moving me, but I paid little attention as I mourned the life of a child that would never be. I felt fabric against the backs of my legs, and I realized that Edward was slowly setting me onto the bed. As I became more aware of Edward I realized that his cool fingers were brushing the tears from my face and his melodic voice was gently humming my lullaby to me. I tried to get my breathing and tears under control as I focused in on Edward. When I had quieted down to a few snuffles here and there he spoke to me. "Bella, we need to change you into something else, so Carlisle can examine you." Edward said gently. "We don't have Alice here, so it will have to be one of us guys that helps you. Is that okay?" "Yes," I responded, surprised to hear how dead my voice sounded. "Its fine if you help me Edward." "Are you sure Bella," Edward said sounding pained. "You don't sound like yourself." "Just do it Edward," I said in the same dead voice. "Please just get it over with." I was barely even present as Edward gingerly pulled all of my clothes off. I stared up at the ceiling, so I have no idea if he looked at my body while I was exposed, but somehow I couldn't find it in me to care one way or the other right then. My view of the ceiling was obscured momentarily as Edward pulled something white, that looked like cotton over my head. I felt him pull it all the way down my thighs, and I actually looked down to see what it was. I wondered vaguely if Alice had packed this or if Carlisle had brought it, but I didn't ask. Edward helped me to lie back down on the bed just as a strong wave of nausea rolled through me again. I pushed weakly against him with my injured arm trying to roll away from the center of the bed. I barely made it to the edge of the bed before I got sick. Edward didn't get out of the way fast enough, and my bloody vomit soaked his clothing. I wondered if the vomit would at least make it less appealing to him, before I heaved again. I saw Carlisle rushing into the room as I heaved again, but I began to feel faint. My head was pulsing painfully and it was getting hard to seen. I grabbed the bottom of Edward's shirt pulling him closer to me. "I … think…" I gasped in between heaves. "I'm…. dying." "No, you can't." Edward moaned pushing my hair back from my now sweaty face. "Save…." I tried to force a sentence out, but the pain in my head was just too much. The heaving had stopped, but I couldn't see anymore. I slumped against the mattress, and everything went black once again. 


	22. Chapter 22

EPOV

I made as much noise as possible I came into the bedroom after my quick hunt so I wouldn't scare Bella. I could smell her floral scent mixing with lavender seeping out from under the bathroom door. I listened to her heart, and wondered if I would be able to hear the baby's heart beat soon. It was strange, because this baby felt like some sort of tragedy to me, but at the same time I felt myself growing attached to it, and the idea of a tiny baby growing inside of my wife.

Bella came out of the bedroom as I was still thinking about the baby, but I quickly found myself distracted by how beautiful she looked. I quickly forced myself to think about where I wanted to take her on the hike so I couldn't get riled up, and possibly have her feel my growing arousal. I couldn't figure out why the idea of being with Bella was suddenly eating at me so often. Perhaps it was the wanting what you can't have mentality.

Bella challenging me to a race pulled me out of my thoughts. I was entertained by her spunk this morning, though I did wonder if it was safe for the baby. It was strange, because I had two medical degrees, but it seemed like I couldn't remember anything from them. I turned to run after Bella, and I heard my cell phone start to ring. I thought about going to pick it up, but decided I would rather chase Bella and ran out of the house after her.

I quickly passed Bella, and stopped at the trees to wait for her. She called me a cheater, but continued to run towards me nonetheless. When she finally reached me her heart was pounding, and her face was flushed. It was beautiful in an athletic sort of way that I wasn't sure even I understood.

"I thought we could hike up to a ride on the back side of the waterfall you saw the other day. It's not too steep of a path, and it looks out over a small valley that has an opening in the tree canopy so the view is amazing." I explained hoping to get her excited. She hadn't really done a lot of hiking with me, but it was something she had seemed to enjoy with Jake while I was gone. I fell a painful jolt go through my body at that thought, but I forced myself to continue smiling and moving forward.

Bella did considerably well as we hiked through the more even ground. I could hear her shoes scuffing in the dirt, but it didn't seemed like she was dragging her feet so I didn't ask about it. As we started climbing the ridge, he pace slowed considerably. I wanted to offer to carry her, because she seemed to be tiring quickly, but I didn't think she would want that.

Our physical relationship had been so push pull lately that I couldn't tell where I stood, or what would be okay or not. I would have liked to carry her, and run with her like we have done in the past, but she hadn't initiated any sort of contact today, so I assumed she didn't want it right now.

I was pulled from my musings about touch when I heard I much longer scuff in the dirt. I turned and saw Bella beginning to tumble down the side of the ridge. Human movements already move slower to the vampiric eye, but this one in particular seemed to be in slow motion for me. As I saw her falling, I also noted the snake pit she was falling towards. I catapulted myself towards her, pulling her into my arms. But the one thing that can move faster than a vampire, in a short burst mind you, is a snake. In the time it took for me to reach Bella, three snakes had made their strike, and attached to her. One tried to attack me, but it bounced of, and slithered away awkwardly as if it were dazed.

The snakes that had bitten my Bella, were still attaching themselves to her, and that was when I began to worry. I pulled all three off, holding the last one in my hand to better examine it. It was a golden yellow color, with a lance shape to its head. I felt fairly certain that the snake had just bitten Bella was the one that Brazilians feared the most for once ruling this island.

I felt my dead heart plummet as I began to race back to the cabin with an unconscious Bella in my arms. This feeling was far to similar to when I had stolen away from the club with her, and it made me feel ill. I burst through the front door heading for the bedroom as quickly as I could. I wasn't sure how long Bella would have, and I wanted to make her as comfortable as possible. Just as I set her down and tried to think about what to do, I realized that I could hear the thoughts of Carlisle. It seemed he had made it to the island after all.

I turned to call him, but he was already walking into the room, his hair and clothing dripping ocean water everywhere. He looked at me with a pained expression before looking back at Bella. I turned to follow her gaze, and I saw that the wounds were already swelling rapidly malforming her limbs.

"Why are you wet," I said in a voice I didn't recognize, not knowing where to begin.

"Alice called," he said simply as he crossed to the side of the bed. "I saw from Brazil instead of waiting for a boat."

Just then my cell phone rang, and I quickly snatched it up off the bedside table and flipped it open. I didn't even get the phone to my ear before I heard her.

"Edward, why didn't you answer the phone?" Alice's voice cried through the receiver.

"I was just… look Alice, does it matter now why I didn't answer the phone," I sighed. "I didn't answer it, and this happened because of it. I feel guilty enough without you adding to it."

"Edward don't start in to tearing yourself down," Alice said quietly. "I didn't mean to say what I said before, I was just upset. We can't go back in time to change what happened, but its still going to work out."

"How is this going to work out Alice," I groaned sliding down the wall so I was facing the bed.

"You'll change her," she said quickly. "Her change will be quick because the snake venom already burned through her veins so your venom will move quicker. I believe she will complete the change before the rest of us can arrive down there."

"Your coming?" I asked, surprised.

"Of course we are." Alice scoffed. "Didn't you think I would see that you two decided the family should move to the Island? We just have to get the house shut down up here, and then we will be on a plane by tomorrow afternoon."

"I'm glad you guys are coming," I sighed quietly, hoping Carlisle wasn't listening to me. "I haven't ever felt so desperate for Esme's company before."

"Of course you need your mom," Alice said quietly. "We love you Edward, we will see you soon."

I clicked the phone shut and tossed it onto the bedside table, letting my head fall into my hands. I wallowed in my guilty and despair for a moment before I saw Carlisle's feet appear in front of me. I looked up and felt some relief that he was looking at me kindly, without anger at the situation I had put Bella into.

"Edward, can you describe the snakes to me please," Carlisle said matter of factly.

"They were golden yellow," I explained, quickly standing to move to the bedside again. "The scales were defined, but there wasn't a difference in color between the different scales. The belly was the same color. They had arrow shaped heads."

"That sounds like the Borthrops Insilaris species that Esme and I worked to mostly eradicate when we first bought the island," Carlisle sighed rubbing his forehead.

"The golden lance head?" I groaned as the information was recalled from the back of my mind. "There is no antivenin is there?"

"No," Carlisle sighed. "There isn't."

"How quickly does it work?" I prodded.

"There is no way to tell really. All of the known symptoms are based on lab research. There are no records for this type of snake bite." Carlisle explained.

"So we will have to change her to save her won't we?" I questioned.

"Its not that simply, initiating the change now, would kill the baby." Carlisle said softly.

"Who cares about the baby at this point. It's the product of a rape, it's hardly something to jeopardize Bella's life over." I growled.

"Edward that has to be her decision." Carlisle said firmly. "As soon as she is awake we will talk to her about the course of action to take."

"What if she doesn't wake up Carlisle?" I whispered.

"She will," he said plainly. "I can already hear the change in her breathing, I imagine she will wake up very soon."

As if on cue, Bella's eyes snapped open. She looked at her surroundings and when she saw herself she burst into tears. I had to stifle the urge to rush over and pull her into my arms. I didn't want to pull her IV out or cause any more damage to her already wounded body. I had to settle for gently taking her and, and rubbing it soothingly.

"Bella," I breathed. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine," she said, her heart giving the tale tell skip that gave her away for lying.

"Bella," Carlisle chided. "I need you to tell me what you are feelings so I can be sure of your diagnosis."

"Three snakes bit me," she muttered pitifully. "What more do you need to know?"

I could still hear what they were saying to one another, but I was caught up in my own mind and guilty thoughts about putting Bella in this position. I wished that instead of being able to read minds that I was able to travel through time. Alice assured me that everything would work out, but I couldn't help but fear the worst.

"What are all the symptoms?" Bella croaked pulling my attention back to the conversation.

"Bella are you sure you want to know that?" I whispered looking up to meet her eyes again.

"Yes," she sighed. "What good is it to not know, if they are going to happen anyway?"

"Alright," I caved. "Go ahead and tell her Carlisle."

I listened to them discussing the symptoms, trying not to let the frustration and despair I was feeling show on my face. I could feel an imagined heat flushing my skin as I thought about the hemorrhaging that Carlisle was talking about. When Carlisle lifted my love's shirt to examine the wound on her abdomen I nearly lost control of my grip on her hand, and I couldn't stifle the groan that burst from me. The necrosis was clearly evident, which meant the venom was working faster than we had expected it to.

"Can I go to the bathroom first?" Bella asked, pulling me out of my thoughts once again.

"Of course," I said jumping up. "Let me help you in there though, I don't think you are going to be able to walk on your own."

I gingerly helped her to sit up, when I saw that she was having trouble getting up on her own. I picked her up and moved her as gently as I could into the bathroom. I set her as gently as I could on her feet beside the toilet. It wasn't lost on me that she swayed on her feet as soon as I set her down.

"Do you want me to stay and help you?" I asked, not wanting to make her uncomfortable but worried about her safety.

"I think I can handle it," she said putting on a brave face and reaching out to hold up her weight on her own. I blush crept into her cheeks before she spoke again. "I may need you to unbutton my shorts for me though, I can't seem to move my fingers very well."

Of course I helped her, and I tried not to think about how this situation might have been much more intimate if so many things had gone differently in the past few weeks. I walked briskly to the door, to give her privacy, but I stayed near the door just incase she needed me. I had barely closed the door when I smelled the sweet smell of her blood, and for the first time in my existence it made me sick. Her heart rate hadn't changed, so I stopped myself from crashing through the door to see where it was coming from. I was her gasp that finally brought me through the door.

I flew over to her pulling her toward me to support her weight before I turned to see what she was looking at. When I looked down I froze. I could feel all of the muscles in my body locking down to keep me from reacting to strongly. I whispered Carlisle's name, trying to keep the heartbreak out of my voice. He was there immediately, and it was his sharp intake of breath that set Bella's heart racing.

"I thought we would have a chance to save it," he groaned. For some reason Esme's face popped into his head at that moment, and I suddenly understood his desperation to save the baby.

"Save what?" Bella moaned, the tears springing back into her eyes.

"The baby," I said softly, wishing she didn't have to know.

"I'm so sorry Bella," Carlisle breathed. "You appear to be having a miscarriage."

Bella slumped into my body, the tears taking over, and I felt my heart start to shatter. I hadn't realized how attached she had become to that monster's baby. I forced pictures of her holding a baby out of my mind, and gently picked her up again to carry her back to the bedroom. Carlisle would need to perform an examination and that would be much easier if Bella was laying down.

I gently set her in a seated position on the bed before I began to brush the tears off of her face. I hummed to her softly while I waited for her to calm a bit. It took a few minutes before her breathing started to become regular again, and she looked at me through the few tears that were still falling.

"Bella, we need to change you into something else, so Carlisle can examine you." I said gently, noticing that her eyes didn't have the same spark they normally would. "We don't have Alice here, so it will have to be one of us guys that helps you. Is that okay?"

"Yes," she responded in a toneless voice that I didn't recognize. "It's fine if you help me Edward."

"Are you sure Bella?" I asked surprised to hear the pain evident in my voice. "You don't sound like yourself."

"Just do it Edward," she instructed in the same dead voice. "Please just get it over with."

I was gently as I could be as I pulled her soiled clothes off and tossed them on to the floor. I grabbed the simple white gown Carlisle had set at the foot of the bed before leaving, and pulled it over Bella's head. She looked down at what she was wearing, and I saw a bit of light flash through her eyes but it quickly faded. I wanted to ask her what she had been thinking, but the dead look had returned so I was sure she wouldn't answer me.

I tried to lay her back on the bed, but I saw her face start to contort. She pushed weakly on my chest, and then quickly rolled toward me, and the edge of the bed. I had a moment of confusion before I realized what was happening, but I couldn't seem to get myself to move. Bella heaved, and suddenly I was covered in her vomit, though it seemed to be more blood than anything else. She heaved again as Carlisle rushed into the room. Carlisle was approaching the bed, but Bella grabbing my shirt to pull me closer distracted me.

"I… think…" she gasped heaving again. "I'm… dying."

"No, you can't." I cried out pushing her hair from her face, desperate for a plan, but paralyzed by my fear.

"Save…" she breathed softly before her eyes rolled back into her head.

"No," I cried, slumping against the mattress with my head by her side.

I was surprised to feel Carlisle throwing me to the side. I looked up from the floor, and saw him quickly descend upon my wife. I was momentarily outraged as his face came down on her chest, before I understood that he was trying to bite as close to her heart as possible. It was still beating weakly, and he wanted to get the venom flowing through it while he had the chance.

He bit her, releasing as much venom as he could before releasing her. For a second her heart faltered, and then it took off at a fast pace, already pumping the venom quickly through her damaged body. He stood back from her and wiped her blood from his chin, as he turned to look at me.

"Edward you should get cleaned up," he said in a gruff voice turning towards the door. "I will go find something to clean the carpet with."

I stared after him in shock as he walked out of the room. I couldn't believe how collected he seemed right now. I felt like I was coming apart at the seams. I looked down at myself, and saw what he meant about needing to get cleaned up. I quickly picked myself up from the floor and walked into the bathroom. I was only able to leave Bella's side because I could hear her heart working, and I didn't want her to wake up to see me covered in bloody vomit.

I peeled my clothes off and climbed into the shower, not bothering to turn on the hot water. I heard Carlisle come in and grab my ruined clothes as I started to scrub the grimy residue form my chest. As I quickly washed my hair I heard Carlisle scrubbing the carpet next to the bed. I quickly rinsed off, and shut the shower off. I reached outside the shower, and grabbed the towel and dried off before wrapping it around my waist and climbing out of the shower.

As I passed Carlisle to grab new clothes, I saw that he was almost completely done cleaning up the bedroom. We would need to change the sheets, buts then it would look as if this had never happened. I was pulling a clean shirt and shorts out of my trunk when I heard Bella's first whimper. My heart ached for her, but I know there was nothing I could do to make the pain stop. I crossed back to the bathroom, closing the door behind me, so I could get dressed.

When I was fully clothed, I came back out into the bedroom and saw that Carlisle was waiting for me so we could get the sheets changed on the bed. I swiftly picked Bella up, immediately noticing how warm her skin was. Carlisle moved at vampire speed to pull the soiled sheets off the bed, spray a strong disinfectant on the mattress, and pull new sheets back onto the bed. As soon as he finished I set Bella back down on the bed, and her whimpers started to grow louder. I realized that she could feel the difference in temperature between my skin, and the bed, and I climbed quickly onto the bed with her, pulling her body against mine to try and cool her in anyway that I could.

"Edward, I am going to go burn these things," Carlisle said quietly from the door. "I will be back shortly."

I just grunted my agreement, unable to make my mouth form words at this point. I lay with Bella for hours, Carlisle coming in to check on us every once in awhile. Her whimpers grew progressively louder until she was practically screaming. I felt like I was dying, unable to do anything for her as she suffered. When she began to thrash, I had to let go of her, and climb off the bed so she couldn't hurt herself slamming into my hard skin.

When I stood back from the bed and watched her, I saw that we were further into the change than I had expected. Alice's words floated back into my mind, as I saw that nearly all of the swelling and bruising from the snakebites was gone, and Bella's skin was much lighter than it had ever been. Carlisle came back into the room while I was still examining her skin.

"Alice texted," he said quietly. "Its early morning in Forks, and they are heading to the airport. Their plane should leave in a few hours, but she said Bella should wake up before they get here. It looks like she will complete the change in just over 24 hours."

"How far are we into it?" I asked, realizing I had no idea what time it was.

"It's been about 12 hours since I bit her," Carlisle explained. "And nearly all of her injuries have healed, not to mention the crystallization has begun in her skin. I imagine if we were to look her eyes would be nearly red by now."

"I can't believe how quickly its happening," I breathed. "I was in such shock I couldn't even bite her, and now she already half vampire. What is going on?"

"These past few weeks have been rather intense haven't they?" Carlisle sighed. "Perhaps once the change has happened things will settle down for a bit. Of course then Bella will be a new born, so that is sure to have its excitement isn't it?"

We lapsed into silence as we thought about what may come with Bella as a newborn. I slowly sat on the floor, and tried to keep any thoughts of the horrors that could come from Bella as a vampire from my mind. Instead I thought of the good memories of her that I had as I stared at her, watching the small changes take place, trying not to hear the screams that were lashing at my heart.

I thought of our first day in the meadow. Remembering how the light breaking off my skin reflected in brilliant rainbows upon hers. The feeling of finally holding her as I had wanted to, her warmth touching my skin, warming me for the first time in nearly a century.

I thought of that first passionate kiss at prom, tainted only slightly by her requested for me to change her. Remembering the feel of her soft lips melding with mine and causing an entirely different warmth to rise within me.

I even thought of those horribly cold months when I was away from her. The darkness of my self enforced exile as I kept myself from her side. A pain I wished never to experience again, that had changed the way I saw the world.

I thought of the moment of absolute ecstasy when we were reunited in the plaza. The return of warmth to my soul and my body as I held her again, after thinking she was gone forever.

Without realizing it, I had moved closer and closer to her as I remembered our past. I took her burning hot hand into mine, running my finger over the wedding band there, as I thought of our wedding. I thought of how I had finally understood what she meant when she said I dazzled her, as she came walking down the isle towards me, and I felt like I couldn't breathe, and I might just float away if I weren't careful. She was always telling me that I dazzled her, but I wonder if she knew how dazzling she was herself, especially on the day of our wedding. Even with the weight of what had happened to her resting in her eyes there was nothing hiding her beauty. In a strange way her pain only made it more vivid. She was like a porcelain doll, where even a crack in the veneer can't hide the amazing craftsmanship.

I was still lost in my memories when I heard the change in her heartbeat. It began to race at a deadly pace, and I knew the change was almost complete. I looked up and saw that the sun was setting yet again here on the island, just as Carlisle walked into the room, clearly responding to the change in the rhythm of her heart as well. I looked down at Bella again and saw how beautiful she looked. Her skin was as pale as the driven snow, and her hair had darkened to a rich mahogany color, a slight wave present throughout. Her features had sharpened making her resemble a model I had seen on the cover of one of Alice's magazines. And all of the deformities from the snakebites had disappeared. She looked slight in build, but with a hint of muscle to her limbs. I was torn between astonishment at her increased beauty, and a deep desire to sate a need that was rising within me, that was highly inappropriate.

In the next moment three things happened. I heard the hum of a boat coming into close proximity of the island, my families thoughts got within range of my abilities, and Bella's eyes snapped open.


	23. Chapter 23

My eyes snapped open, and I saw the ceiling above me. It was textured, and I could see every little nook perfectly. I wondered who's ceiling it was, since I didn't recognize it. I sat up, and the movement was so fast that it seemed instantaneous, and I wondered if everyone moved like that. I didn't move like that did I? That though, was the one to start my panic. Who was I? I couldn't think of what my name was, or where I was from, or anything about myself. I looked around, and I saw two beautiful men staring at me, with apprehension in their eyes. I wondered why they were afraid of me while I took in their amazing features. They had such smooth pail skin, and firm toned bodies. The man closest to me had brilliant bronze hair that seemed to shimmer in the light. The one further away had the blondest hair I had ever seen, or at least I thought it must be. I couldn't recall any other blonde hair when I tried to picture it.

I looked around the room, and saw that I was lying in a white four-poster bed that was surrounded by gauzy curtains. On my right there was a wall of windows and a door that lead out onto a beautiful beach. I could see the palm trees swaying gently in a slight breeze, and the water lapping the shore. Had I always lived in such a beautiful place? Did I even live here. I must since I was the one lying in the bed. It was my bed wasn't it?

"Bella?" the bronze haired angel breathed.

"Who is Bella," I asked, surprised by the sing-song quality of my voice. Did I always have such a pretty voice? Was it bad that I thought my voice sounded so pretty? Conceited perhaps?

"Do you not remember your name," the blonde man asked me.

"No," I replied quietly, not sure if I should feel guilty about this, but noticing that I seemed to be feeling sadness and confusion that I didn't believe were my emotions.

"What do you remember?" he asked, sounding very clinical.

"Nothing," I admitted easily, surprised to find that I filled with sadness and a bit of panic. "I think there is something wrong with me though. I feel very upset and panicked by I have no idea why."

"Edward, I have a feeling that she is picking up on your emotions," the blonde man said. "Could you try to get them under control while I assess the situation."

"Yes Carlisle," the man who appeared to be named Edward said.

"How are you feeling now?" the man who must be Carlisle asked.

"I feel… controlled I guess? If that makes sense." I explained. "This is very confusing."

"I imagine it must be," Carlisle said.

I was immediately distracted from his words, when I heard the humming noise that had been in the background stop. Then I heard splashing sounds that quickly transitioned into distorted footsteps that I somehow knew came from feet in the sand. My reaction was so quick that it startled me. I threw myself up out of the bed, and into the corner furthest from the doorway. I began to hiss as I heard the footsteps transition to soft thuds against wood, clearly this unknown group of invaders was entering my home.

"Get out!" I bellowed in a menacing voice I wasn't aware I was able to create.

"Is that Bella?" I heard a male voice ask. "Why does she want us to leave."

Then I heard a gasp.

"Oh my gosh, how did I not see this?" I heard a female voice ask.

The feet picked up their pace, and soon I was faced with a tiny woman with spiky black hair, a leggy woman with hair nearly as blonde as Carlisle's, a curvy woman with carmel colored hair, a large hulking man who caused me to feel very defensive, and lastly a blonde male who I felt immediate relief upon seeing. It was hard to explain, but until he had entered the room I was feeling panic, sadness, confusion, and shock, but the second he entered to room, I felt nothing. It was like the emotions coursing through me were written upon a blackboard, and he came in and erased everything. I didn't even know him, but I wanted desperately to hug him.

"Hello everyone," Carlisle said cordially. "Would you like to meet Bella?"

"We already know Bella pops" the big man with dark hair and adorable dimples laughed.

"You do know Bella," Carlisle said calmly. "But Bella does not know you."

"What?" the big man said scratching his head.

"She has amnesia Emmet," the spiky haired girl said, casually brushing off her white sundress. "She doesn't remember anything about before the change. She is probably feeling very scared right now, I know I did when I woke up."

"I don't actually." I said softly. "Since the moment the blonde man walked into the room I haven't felt a single thing. And I have to tell you it's a relief, because my emotions before that just didn't make sense."

"Oh those weren't yours," the same girl said. "You were feeling ours. Though I haven't a clue how Jasper could be silencing your gift."

"What gift?" I asked quickly. "And who is Jasper?"

"I'm sorry Bella, how rude of me," Carlisle interrupted. "Let me introduce you to everyone in the family of sorts. I'm Carlisle of course, and this is your husband Edward. These are your brothers Jasper and Emmet, your sisters Alice and Rosalie, and this is my wife Esme."

"They are like our parents," the girl he named as Alice said. "None of us are blood relative of course, we are a coven, but we prefer to think of ourselves as family instead."

"A coven?" I asked.

"Yes a coven," Alice said softly. "Of vampires? Do you know what I mean by vampires?"

"Like blood drinking, burned by the sun, that kind of thing?" I asked.

"Yes we drink blood, from animals, but no the sun doesn't burn us." Edward said drawing my attention back to him.

I felt a tugging in my mind, and his face flashed before me explaining all the rules about vampires, and all of the truths versus myths. Suddenly I understood everything about being a vampire once more, but I was confused by the memory at the same time. I had clearly been human in the memory but I wasn't now.

"Right you told me about that once didn't you?" I said as I turned to face him head on. "I remember that now. But I was human then wasn't I?"

"Yes," he said, a glimmer of hope popping into his eyes. "Do you remember anything else?"

I searched my mind, straining to try and remember something else, but I found nothing. It was frustrating to fight against my mind. It felt like I was staring into darkness. I knew that everything I wanted was sitting right in front of me, but I couldn't find the light switch that would allow me to see everything.

"No," I sighed. "I keep trying, but nothing seems to happen. I just had the one memory pop into my mind when you were talking."

"Things like this take time Bella," Carlisle interjected. "In the meantime however, I think we need to take you hunting, you must be terribly thirsty."

As soon as he mentioned thirst, I felt a fire in my throat. I was aware that an echo if it had been present before, but now that I was thinking about it, it was like a wild fire. I reached instinctively to put my hand on my throat, and I was surprised by the feel of my skin. It felt soft to me, but there was a feeling of something hard beneath it. Like fabric draped over metal. Another memory floated into my mind. My face was pressed against Edward's chest. The room was dark. His skin felt so hard and cold to me, it was almost uncomfortable. Shouldn't my skin feel like that? Why did it still feel warm to me?

"Shouldn't my skin be cold?" I asked, dropping my hand back down to my side.

"We only feel cold to humans," Alice explained. "To each other we feel warm, and almost soft. It makes cuddling much easier."

After that I let Edward lead me out of the house. I was surprised by how quickly I walked, but I tried not to let it bother me. I followed Edward off the porch, and quickly into the trees. He kept walking until we could no longer see the beach before he stopped and waited.

"Okay Bella, from here its all about instinct," he said quietly. "Smell the world around you. What do you smell?"

"I smell a lot of things." I admitted with a chuckled. "I smell you, and the beach, and the trees, and flowers and dirt, and the birds up above us, and I think I smell a cat?"

"Yes," Edward prodded. "It's a panther, can you tell where it is?"

"I think its about half a mile from here," I said sniffing the air above me. "To the south, in a tree?"

"Yes," Edward agreed happily. "Now what do you want to do?"

"I want to chase it," I laughed, and took off.

I was aware that Edward was running behind me, but it didn't bother me. I ran swiftly through the forest, at a speed which should have blurred the trees but didn't, until I caught sight of the panther. It was lazing about in the branch of a tree without a care in the world. It remained perfectly calm until I sprung up into the branch, and hissed at it. It gave me a once over, seemed to decide I wasn't worth the fight, and took off running. I laughed and chased after it. I ran at a leisurely pace, letting some distance come between the cat and I until it was nearly 200 hundred feet away from me. I turned and saw Edward sitting in a tree watching instead of chasing me, and decided it was probably time to end my game.

I pounced closing the distance between the panther and myself rapidly. I threw my arms around the cat, and smashed it into the ground. I instinctively snapped its neck before I bit down, and greedily sucked the blood from its veins. Never had something tasted as sweet as the blood of that beautiful black cat. Of course, I couldn't remember eating anything else either. I drank until there was nothing left before dropping the cat petulantly into the dirt. I had wanted it to last longer.

"You are a natural," Edward said from behind me, and I could feel the pride radiating off of him.

"Thank you," I chuckled, wiping my mouth. "I don't know what I should have expected from that, but it was pretty amazing."

"I'd be lying if I said Emmet wasn't waiting to see if you would trip," Edward chuckled. "But I expected you to do just fine."

"Do I trip a lot?" I asked, feeling giddy from the happiness radiating off of Edward.

"You used to," Edward sighed, his mood immediately reverting to the stressed sadness from before.

"I'm sorry that I am upsetting you," I whispered. "I wish I could remember everything."

"I'm not upset with you," he said softly before whispering. "And maybe some things are better forgotten."

"What's better forgotten?" I asked curious.

"It's going to take me awhile to get used to your hearing being as good as mine," Edward chuckled nervously. "I don't want to say anything to prod any bad memories for you, so I don't think I should answer that question."

"Why would I have any bad memories with you Edward?" I prodded. "You're my husband aren't you? That means we are in love, and happy right?"

"Yes it does Bella. I didn't meant o suggest that the memories were of me," Edward said quickly, feeling anxious. "I shouldn't have said anything."

"Edward, I want you to tell me what you are afraid of me remembering," I instructed. "I think it will make it easier for us in the long run."

"I don't think it will." He sighed, but he continued when he saw anger flash across my face. "But I will tell you if that's what you really want. Shortly before your change, we had a fight. You went out with friends that night, and you were raped."

I was surprised to find that no memories flashed to my mind when he said that. He was easily prodding my memory, but this time nothing was coming from it. I wracked my brain for some memory of what had happened, but I only met the darkness again. I decided I did not wish to turn on this particular light switch and moved on.

"Well, I still don't remember it, so I guess I don't care." I rambled looking back up at Edward. "You have been able to easily remind me of things, but this time it isn't working. I don't think my brain wants to remember that. So maybe we should pretend it never happened."

"If that's what you want…" Edward trailed, confusion rolling off of him in waves.

"That's not all I want," I said coyly. "If that's supposed to have been the last intimate encounter I had, then clearly we have some erasing to do."

"I don't think that's a good idea," Edward sighed taking a step back from me. "you barely know who I am. Not to mention that the last time we tried you practically has a panic attack."

With his words, images of my advances on him passed through my minds. I saw myself out of breath in a forest after he kissed me for the first time, pressed against my headboard panting as he pulled away from me after the first time I tried to make out with him, and many chaste little stolen kisses at numerous locations. I looked back up at him, and I felt a tug in my chest at the idea that he might not want to kiss me like that again.

"I feel like I know you," I said in a rough voice that surprised even me. "Just not I remembered many kisses that we shared in the past, and they didn't seem to be between strangers."

"It's different now. Isn't it?" He asked unsure of himself.

"I don't think it has to be," I disagreed, advancing on him. "I think it can be however we want it to be. So what do you think Edward, do you want to kiss me?"

"Yes," had barely based from his lips before I was on him.

I pushed him back against a tree as I crashed my lips into him. As my eyes closed, I saw images of him demonstrating his strength, and it dawned on me that I was suddenly stronger than him. Then I remembered him telling me that this would be the case after my change. Those thoughts were driven from my mind by the feel of his lips moving against mine though. Instead I was remembering how hard his lips had been in the past, and comparing them to how soft they seemed now. The difference was extraordinary. I felt heat rising up within me, and I pushed my body flush with his. Memories of his hands rubbing against my skin passed through my mind and I found myself desperate to feel it again.

I tore his shirt open, and began running my hands along his skin instead, showing him what I would like for him to do. I dipped my head down to kiss along his neck, and images of him doing this same thing to me popped into my mind. I remembered how amazing it felt to have him lavish his love on me, and I wanted him feel the way I could now remember feeling.

"I remember you," I whispered into his ear before reclaiming his mouth.

Something about what I said lit a fire in him, and before I knew it, I was flush with the forest floor, and he was on top of me. He was kissing along my neck, and suddenly the white gown I had been wearing was gone. His exposed chest met mine, and I swear I saw stars. His skin felt to hot, and I wanted more of it to be touching me. I ripped his pants from his body, and rolled so I was on top of him instead. I press my over heated flesh against his, and among the stars I see the many rejections that came from positions just like this in the past, and my heart sinks.

"Do you want me Edward," I whisper huskily, ashamed of how scared my voice sounds.

"You have no idea," he groans into my neck, not seeming to hear what I am really asking.

"Are you sure," I prod. "All I seem to remember right now is you pushing me away if things got this heated before."

"That's true," he admits sadly. "I was afraid of hurting you before. But you are stronger than me now."

That's all I need to hear to push aside my sadness. I crash my lips back onto his, and crawl so that I am straddling him fully. I can feel his excitement beneath me, and it causes a strange fluttering in my stomach. I move against him, and it feels like I'm going to explode.

"If you really want me," I groan, moving against him again. "Then take me."

He doesn't need to be told twice. He trusts his hips upward, and just like that he is inside of me. All of the hormonal yearning throughout our relationship floods into my memory, and I am even more relieved to finally be feeling what I was craving. A part of me thinks this should have hurt in the beginning, but doesn't question why it isn't. He rocks against me, and all I can think about is how amazing he feels. I move with him, and my head rolls back on my shoulders as a gasp. Edward flips us so he is above me, and begins to move fast, and I find myself wishing he would slow down.

"Sorry, I'll go slower," he groans into my shoulder as he begins to move in slow circular motions.

"How? Oh..ohhhhhhh." I groan forgetting what I wanted to ask him in the first place.

As he rocks slowly but forcefully against me, I remember something about him being a mind reader, and that allows me to stop wondering how he knew what I wanted. As I think of him being a mind reader flashes of him reading the minds of other student, trying to avoid reading the thoughts of his family, and wishing desperately that he could hear my thoughts pop into my mind, and I am once again confused as to how he knew what I wanted. This is forced from my mind as he begins to pick up his paces again, and I clutch onto his shoulders as I feel something building inside of me, that I know instinctually is my climax. I pull his face back to mine, kissing him desperately as my muscles begin to flutter. Just as I let loose of his lips I fall over the edge. Just as it feels like my body has come undone, it feels as if my mind has come back together. Flashes of memories throughout my entire life zip through my minds as if someone has opened a window and they are blowing back in. I feel aware of the window snapping shut before something else tries to slide in, but I am distracted from this thought as Edward reaches his climax and slumps against me.

"I love you," I whisper against his skin.

"I love you too," he said reverently as he brushed my hair away from my face. "That was amazing."

"I know," I sighed. "I never imagined it would feel that amazing."

"That isn't what I meant. Though don't misunderstand me, that was amazing as well." Edward chuckled. "What I meant was, seeing into your mind like that was amazing. Witnessing your memories first hand as they returned to you was astonishing. All of those times that I wished I could know what you were thinking and now I do. I didn't think it was possible for me to be more in love with you."

"If it were a week ago, I would be blushing right now," I chuckle. "I suppose we should get back to the other though shouldn't we. Oh no… we don't have any clothes to wear now."

"Alice left some nearby," Edward said quickly. "Clearly she saw how this hunting trip would be ending."


	24. Chapter 24

"Where is Jasper?" I asked as Edward and I came back into the house.

"He went for a hunt," Alice said, crossing from one room down the hall to another. "Emmet went with him."

"Oh we didn't see them while we were out there," I said, nervously playing with the strap on the tank top Alice had left for me.

"We they aren't hunting in the forest," Alice chuckled as she came into the living room to join me. "They are hunting in the ocean."

"Like fish?" I chuckled. "I didn't think vampires at fish."

"We don't really," Edward laughed, pulling me against his body. "But it appears that Jasper and Emmet have a bet on who can catch and drain a shark the fastest."

"That seems odd…" I mused.

"How do you know what's odd," Rosalie asked softly from the kitchen, where she was pulling all of the human food from the fridge. "I thought you couldn't remember any of us."

"I remembered," I said simply, moving over to stand by the breakfast bar. "While we were in the forest."

"Really?" Carlisle asked as he flew into the room from somewhere else in the house. "Everything?"

"No," Edward answered before I could speak. "But the important things."

"How?" Carlisle wondered.

"I don't know what caused it for sure, but it was amazing," Edward sighed. "I could hear her mind as it happened. It was amazing to watch the memories flow back. It was like a dam breaking."

"It was a bit flood like," I laughed picking up one of the strawberries in the bowl on the counter and staring at it. "I used to love how these smelled, but now they smell awful."

"Most human food does," Rosalie chuckled from the fridge. "I'm getting rid of all of it, since we don't need it for you, and the island is remote enough that we don't need to worry about keeping up the human façade."

"I'm glad you guys came," I sighed sappily. "And don't fret on telling me how you feel so happy about it, I can totally tell already."

"I must admit, that I didn't think this would be your gift after the change," Carlisle said quietly. "I assumed if you were to have a gift it would be some sort of shield, due to your mind being hidden from Edward for so long."

"It still is most of the time," Edward said easily. "But I will be eternally grateful every time whatever blocks it fails."

"And I think I will be grateful for all the times it stays in place," I laughed. "But seriously, is Jasper coming back soon? I miss Mr. Novocain."

"That is odd that he cancels your gift out…" Alice mused. "I wonder what that is about."

"I don't know, but I sure appreciate it," I sighed. "You guys have way to many emotions. I don't know how he puts up with it."

"Years of practice," Jasper's voice called from the porch as he mounted the steps.

"How was the fish?" I giggled as he finally came into the room. "Did it taste, well… fishy?"

"It tasted like salty and watered down rabbit," he sighed. "But I caught a bigger fish than Emmet so he owes me a new set of tires for my bike."

"I just realized something," I said seriously. "I can still feel your emotions, just no one else's. Well besides mine."

"I have a theory on that," Carlisle interjected. "I think Jasper interferes with your gift because his is stronger, hence the numbing feeling. But at the same time, your mental strength allows you to tap into what he keeps hidden subconsciously."

"What he keeps hidden?" I questioned looking at Edward. "Wouldn't that be more like thoughts then, emotions are pretty much just right out there for everyone to see aren't they?"

"Not Jaspers," Edward chuckled. "If they were we would all be feeling what he feels all the time. He keeps them under wraps so he won't be effecting the emotional climate around him."

"How do you do it?" I asked Jasper.

"Lots of practice," he chuckled. "I will teach you. Besides we will be spending a lot of time together getting a handle on what all you can do with your gift."


	25. Chapter 25

Jasper hadn't been kidding when he said we would be spending a lot of time together. Everyone had settled into the house, though Esme, Rosalie, and Alice were busy adding rooms to the house. I spent a goof chunk of my time alone with Edward, but the rest of my time was with Jasper. We talked about what I could and couldn't feel from people. We tested what I felt when he was there and when he wasn't, and we tested if I could push to feel more or less of what I was feeling.

After weeks and weeks of practice I didn't need Jasper to be Mr. Novocain for me, I could silence the emotions from filtering through on my own. We discovered that when I erected the wall inside me to keep from feeling anyone's emotions, it also effectively blocked Edward from being able to get into my head. I could tell that this saddened him even without my gift, so when we went off to be alone, I would drop the wall, taking in his emotions as he read what filtered through my mind. I grew very attached the internal swelling of relief and happiness that fled through me from Edward every time I dropped my wall. I loved it enough to temper the annoyance of giving up my privacy.

"Can we just stay here forever," I asked Edward one day as we lay on the beach together the sun sparkling off our skin in rainbows.

"If you want to," he said as he turned his head to look at me. "You might get bored after awhile though with only the family to interact with."

"I have my lover in you, and my best friend in Jasper, and all of the family I need right here with me," I said plainly. "What more could I need."

"Books? Internet? A different food source?" Edward suggested.

"I don't know I think panther is rather good," I chuckled. "Besides we could go into Brazil for books."

"I still think it's a little early to introduce you to the human population," he hedged. "And we are going to have to import more panthers at the rate you are going missy."

"Fine. I'll try one of those monkeys next time we hunt then," I said in mock anger. "And I think I would be okay around people. But if you don't trust me, you could go into Brazil and get books. And I can live without the internet."

"It isn't that I don't trust you," Edward breathed, his guilt tangible between us. "It's just part of vampiric nature to crave our natural food source, and you are still so young."

"I'm always going to be the baby aren't I?" I pouted.

"Only in the sense that you will be the youngest," Edward chuckled. "We won't think of you as a baby after you have made it through your first year as a newborn."

My ire was climbing at the idea of being a newborn, but it quickly faded out without my thoughts changing, and I flipped onto my stomach to look around, knowing that Jasper must be nearby and slowly neutralizing my emotion. I smiled when I saw him and Alice down the beach a ways off, walking hand in hand towards us. Alice had taken my friendship with Jasper well. He had slid into her position of best friend, but our friendship was still strong.

I still wasn't very close with Rosalie, but we didn't have the hostility between us anymore. I had eventually remembered everything that had happened that night I went clubbing, and Rosalie had been there for me in a way that no one else could. Because she understood exactly what I went through. She had also let go of her anger about my change, because it had stopped being a choice I was making in the end. It was this or death, and the choice in the end had been made by Edward absolving me of guilt in her eyes.

Emmet was still like the big teddy bear brother I had always wanted. It hadn't changed between my being a human or being a vampire other than that he could play more roughly with me. I enjoyed playing with Emmet, because he would wrestle with me in a way Edward wouldn't. At the end of the day Edward loved me to much to try and pin me down in the sand and proclaim victory over me, so my victory meant very little when he let me beat him. Emmet was more than willing to try and make me eat sand, so when I was able to get him in a winning hold on him it felt like a real win.

Carlisle and Esme were doting and loving parents, and I would always be grateful for them. Even when Esme was yelling at Emmet and I for breaking the Brazilian wood table she had just brought in. It brought a sense of normalcy to the strange living situation we had, because in the end we really were a house full of teenagers with only two adults.

-`-'-

After several months Edward felt comfortable enough to take me on a short excursion onto the mainland. The entire family was there, to act quickly if I was overwhelmed by my thirst, but we quickly found it wouldn't be an issue.

I had erected my wall to avoid the onslaught of emotion, and as we walked into a market with a decent size of crowd in it, we discovered the wall didn't just block emotion. I could hardly even smell the humans. There was the tiniest of inclination that they might be desirable, but it was so easily ignored that it meant nothing to me.

Edward held me tightly, as I slowly lowered the emotional block to see if I could handle the people on my own, and I was quickly barraged with different tasty scents. Edward's hands flexed on my arms when he thought I might lurch, but I didn't waver. The people did smell good, but I could resist them. I took some focus, but all I had to do was remember why I valued human life and I no longer wanted to eat them.

When we had ventured further into the market I had encountered a book sales clerk who I was drawn to for more than one reason. He had a great supply of books, and I had Alice buy me several, but I was also drawn to him because of his incredible smell. As soon as Edward had registered the smell from my mind, his arms had locked around my waist, and we were quickly leaving the market before I registered that my mouth was pooling with venom and I had begun to growl.

"Let me go back," I whined at him. "God he smells so good. Just a taste."

"No Bella," he said tensely as he fought to keep me moving toward the water. "I know his blood is calling to you, but you would feel horrible if I let you kill him."

"You don't understand," I growled at him trying to pull free. "He smells like the worlds greatest steak. I think I will die if I don't have him."

"I understand completely," Edward said quietly, pulling me into an embrace that also held me in place when he realized he would fail at getting me away on his own. "I can read your mind remember? And I know the feeling inside when you smell someone whose blood sings to you."

If my heart were beating it would have stopped at that. I realized that I was not as strong as Edward. He had smelled me as his singer and had fought tooth and nail not to hurt me. I had smelled my own singer, and there was not even a question in my mind of whether or not I was going to kill her. What was wrong with me?

"Oh my God," I cried into his shoulder. "I almost killed her. What is wrong with me?"

"It's your nature," he soothed, running his fingers through my hair. "Don't be upset, you didn't strike. No one in the market even noticed what was happening."

"Probably only because its night," I sighed. "If it had been light out they would have easily seen the hunger and depravity in my eyes."

"If it were light out, they would be a little distracted by your sparkling skin," he said with a soft chuckle trying to distract me.

The family had joined us shortly after that, and we had climbed back into the boat we had arrived in, and returned to our island. I had little desire to join civilization after that. I didn't want to be tempted to kill anyone. Some of the others were growing restless on the island, and I knew they wanted to leave.

After much discussion it was decided that the family would separate for awhile. Edward and I would live alone on the Island until I was willing to risk being around humans again, and the others were going to go back to America for awhile. Rosalie and Emmet were going to split as well and go on an extended honey moon in Europe for an undetermined amount of time.

It was strange to think of how that would have upset me just a short time ago. When I was human I would have thought of how much I would miss the others, and how long our time apart would feel, but when you had forever stretching out before you a few months or even a few years apart was not the end of the world. We could always call one another if we began to feel distant, and how could a person turn away from our little island paradise if they didn't have to. I understood that the others had to because they had fully integrated back into human society and they missed it when they were gone. I had not done that yet, so I didn't miss it when it was gone.

One day we would be together again, but for today Edward and I had forever stretching on before us as we lived together on the beautiful sandy beach of Isle Esme. For all the trouble the snake filled island had caused me, I would always love it, and grateful for everything it had given me.


	26. Chapter 26

I hope you won't all be annoyed with me for posting a chapter that is not really a chapter. As people who have subscribed to the story, I'm assuming you will be interested in additional content. I have created a facebook page that has pictures and music that go along with the stories. I hope you will check it out.

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